Wondering

Living in fear wondering how you found me here.

So small yet i still can not hide, So distant, yet still not so far away
why am i unable to escape. Why do the continuous visions of those times have
to be repeated indefinitely in my diseased mind.

Protect me mommy please i cried, but mommy is busy with her drinks and men
and i am baggage carried along.

My fears i hide, my tears are not cried My hate is internalized.
Helpless and alone to my god i pray that these acts forced upon my childhood
body will end one day.

To death i turn as the time lingers on, begging for some way to escape.
Mommy why didn't you help me, i wonder through my mind for the only solace i
am able to find. I hide these childhood secrets i can no longer bare.
Greener pastures i find and the events of reality distant in my mind.

The knife so tempting as triggers bring back the past. Death the only way i
can escape the tumultuous place.
A failure at death so it seems. All the good it did to try for neither God
nor the devil answered my demented cry. For what purpose am i left to bare
this despicable pain of these entrenched mind games.
Hope nor love can heal the memories produced by my childhood sexual abuse.
The baggage of me left for the predator to go through taking what he chose
and not caring that maybe i could have been a beautiful thing.
April