As survivors we often don't read anything but the trauma of our abuse.
Dear Susan,
I sure will send the rest to you as well. It’s been a long journey since I’ve spoken to you the first time. Today I look back and I am just so grateful that God put people like you and your hubby in my life. My road to healing has been long and hard, but I can finally say, I’m alive, I’m healing, and I’m one step closer to fine.
God has given me a wonderful man, ON CHRISTMAS DAY! We have gotten engaged and will be married on 30 June. But the most wonderful part is this, I know I can tell you because you will understand. I am just so excited. For so many years I couldn’t allow a man to touch me, I didn’t want him to even look at me. I didn’t want sex or intimacy in any way. I didn’t want anything from a man. I’ve never experienced butterflies, or a shivver down the spine, or that sheer confusion of falling in love. I’ve never had that. I was afraid that I would never feel whole again. That I would never be able to love again. But God knew my heart. I went for counselling, am still going, and with the help of my faith and the guidance of my psychiatrist, I’ve managed to learn the tools necessary for healing. It’s so great.
The first time my fiance took my hand in his, I shrugged and pulled away immediately. I went a few steps away from him and tried to think realistically about what just happened. In my mind I made the conclusion, Willie was Willie and the molester was the molester. They are two different people. The one said he loved me but abused me, but this one really does love me in the purest way. The moment I could see the two as separate people I could walk back to him and put my hand into his and for the first time in my life, I felt complete. I’ve always felt as though something was missing inside of me, but it feels as if I had now found it.
The idea of kissing and making love, also freaked me out completely, but then once again I was able to gain perspective and I must say, even though we said we wanted to wait until after we were married, it just felt like I needed to do this so I could be sure that I would be able to be a good wife to him in every sense of the word. The feelings of falling in love are great. I enjoy thinking of Willie and feeling the quiet sensation inside of me that comforts me and lets me know that I am 120% loved. I enjoy his touch. I enjoy his kisses, and most of all, I am able to stay fully present during lovemaking. It’s taken a bit of practice of course, getting back to reality, just taking that step back and looking at this man before me and telling myself, it’s not the molester, it’s Willie, and I calm down again. For the first time ever I am able to make love without thinking back to those days of abuse.
I just needed to share this with someone. If you want to put this on your website too as encouragement for others, you are welcome. I am just so happy today. I feel so blessed. And whilst you are sharing my joy in realising that healing is slowly taking place, know that I pray God’s blessings upon you and your family because in a great way you have touched my life. My healing process started because you reached out and grabbed my hand when I was frantically trying to grab hold of someone and no-one else was willing to help. I can never thank you enough Susan. May God really bless you and always keep you safe.
Lots of love, Vlekkie van Deventer
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