Toyah's Story

I wanted to share my story. Its one that I have never put on paper before. Im in counseling now but when my counselor asks me questions related to if i was sexually abused, I deny it because i dont want to talk about it

I was sexuallyabused from the time i was 4 or 5 until i was 7. Its hard for me to tell how old I was then. My father used to drink and when my mother went to work, he would bath me and he would cross the boundary sexually. I honestly dont remember any feelings of dirtiness yet then. As a child at 8, I would masterbate and show the other kids my age what I knew about sex, and I also made a comment about my fathers penis that should have clued my mother that something was going on. However, when she heard all this she got so angry with me, she grounded me for months, she wouldnt talk much to me, she would pick up on little things i would do and call me perverted. I hated myself to the core.

By 11, i was just a shadow of a child. I began being moderately concerned about my weight, hiding my masterbation problem, and self loathing myself. I always thought my parents anger at me was my fault. Its only recently through working with my counselor and the revelation that I can see myself as a child deserving of love. I used to throw away pictures of myself as a child. Now i try to embrace them.

Toyah