Susan Smiles

PenPals

Firstly, I come from a very loving, close family and to this day my Mum is my best friend and I can talk to my dad about just about anything because he is so open minded.
My first recollection of any abuse was when I was either 5 or 6, I climbed into bed with my dad one night to give him a good night kiss and hug, he grabbed my hand and said feel this, I pulled away and when he kissed me good night he slipped his tongue in. I remember my mum asking me if anything was wrong when she came to my room to say good-night; of course I told her there nothing was. Within about the next 12 months I think, my parents split up and mum, myself and my 2 brothers moved. My dad would come around every so often for a visit and I remember my mum saying to go and give dad a hug. I never wanted to.
They must have got back together soon after that because not long after we all moved to a new town. I don't recall anything else until I was about 10. I had started to bud breasts and when mum was at work, she did shift work, he would try to touch me and kiss me all the time. I hated him. I dreaded nights that my mum worked, I couldn't even lock my bedroom door. Friends would come and stay over and he started touching them too. It got to the stage where they wouldn't want to stay over and for that reason I didn't want them to either. A couple of years later my parents seperated, to be divorced, I couldn't wait for him to leave. My brothers and I would go for weekend visits, but I would never go without my brothers. One weekend I refused to go and got so upset, my brothers didn't know what was going on and kept having a go at me for not wanting to go with them. I eventually told my mum that he had been touching me and that I wasn't going with him. My mum told my brothers later on what had been happening and they didn't believe a word of it.
Mum remarried a couple of years later and I didn't get on with her new husband at all. I started rebelling, running away and staying with boyfriends, drinking, smoking, not caring about school or what anyone thought of me.Eventually I moved out to live with my dad, I didn't want to live with him, but I didn't want to live with my mum and stepfather either, I at least knew I would be able to do pretty much what I wanted living with my dad as he was never home, he was always at work during the day and then at the pub till all hours of the night. He kept coming into my room at nights and making advances towards me and telling me what he wanted to do to me, but still I didn't leave. One night some friends and I went on a drinking binge and I got so wiped out I couldn't even lay straight let alone stand up. One of my friends who had not drunk so much, phoned my dad (at the pub) to come and pick my friend up from where we were. We had thrown up all over our selves by this time. He put us in the car and took us home where he dumped us in the bottom of the shower and washed us off. The only thing I remember after that was him with his fingers inside me and I was to damn drunk to even be able to push him away. Shortly after this incident I moved back in with my mum and proceeded to pull my act together.
To this day I still don't like to be alone with him, as I know he will try to look at or touch my breasts and slip a tongue in when he kisses me good-bye. But unlike most survivors I don't hate him, even though I feel I should. Is that wrong, does that make me a bad person? I have been married for nearly 7 years to a wonderful man I have been with for 10 years, we have 2 wonderful children aged 5 & 3 but I fear for my marriage as I never want any physical contact with my husband, especially making love. I don't know if my abuse is the cause of this or something else. I am also on medication for severe depression (the medication is controlling it well). Has anyone got any answers or even suggestions because my marriage and kids' happiness is so important to me.
Toni