Tammie's Story
My story begins about the time I was seven years old,I
think.My mom and dad,whom I thought the world of,lived two separate
lives.Mom got pregnant before she married and in those days,there
wasn't a choice and she wasn't happy,so she began to stray and Dad
looked for comfort by the bottle.He had a friend named Jim who was
divorced and would spend alot of time at our house,and although Jim
was my mom's target after they would all go out drinking together,I
became Jim's target when everyone went to bed.I too,was led to believe
that if I told my mom would hate me and that I was the one to
blame.I never understood why my mom wouldn't see this and there was
even a night when she let me go spend the night at this man's house,where
he lived with his mother.I was too young to understand that this wasn't
normal behavior and when my mom was out playing around and my dad
was passed out,this was all I was getting for attention.This lasted
for a couple years then they all had a"falling out"and Jim
no longer came around...but it happened again when another divorced
man,Don came around.By then I was so brainwashed that it probably
continued til I was ten or eleven.Then when that finally ended,I went
through the psychological and verbal abuse that comes from a drunken
father who just doesn't care.Imagine a 350 pound man calling his 13
year old 120 pound daughter fat and when I would tell him I got an"A"
in a class,he would shrug his shoulders and say"so.."My
mom was working swing shifts and supposedly did alot of overtime,but
we never had any money...it was several years later that it came out
into the open that she was having another affair with another"Jim"who
is now my step-dad.With the neglecta nd abuse,I turned to food for
comfort and have been a compulsive eater ever since.At 38,I am 5'7"
and weigh 195 pounds.I am on a constanbt battle with my weight and
my self-esteem.I have had alot of problems in my life(distractions
is what I like to call them)to block the abuse from my memory.A major
distraction in my life was having my husband of 14 1/2 years die of
cancer in 1997.We had a pretty good marriage,but I was a total bitch
for unknown reasons.Then I got into a bad relationship four months
later because Iwas so insecure that I didn't want to be alone.That
was a short one,then I got into a second one that lasted 3 years and
it was never a good one,because his drugs were more important than
I was and he ignored me as much as my parents did and he told me I
was crazy.
Six weeks after I kicked him out,I started dating John,a man I have
known for a very long time.He was four months into a divorce from
a wife who cheated on him and was a little hesitant about dating but
we fell into a wonderful relationship at the beginning...Cinderella
story??NOPE!!Because all my distractions were gone,alot of mixed-up
feelings were surfacing and I felt like I was going crazy.John was
a psychology student and felt like it might have something to do with
my childhood and talked me into getting therapy.I have been going
for a couple months now and am learning to deal with the anxiety attacks
I get whenever John and I are apart and I am struggling hard with
the feelings of jealousy that tear me up when I see him talking to
another woman.I know he is not fooling around on me,but crazy thought
take over my head.I am truly blessed with such a loving man and future
husband and I want to treat him like I should treat him,and not like
a control freak who cannot let him out of my sight for a moment.I
am looking for someone to share my feelings with,someone who knows
how I feel and someone who is not afraid to let a friend into her
heart.We need to reassure each other that this is truly not our faults
and we might not be able to change the past,but we can sure change
the future!!And if there is one thing we got out of it,it's tha ability
to make sure it doesn't happen to our children.
I have two teenage children and John,who is seven years younger than
me,has two young boys.I love children...I just lack the ability to
tell them so.Because of this,my children have not known love like
they should.I am far too overprotective.I am the kind of mom who attended
all their games(my mom
and dad didn't)I even coached them.I was the cool mom to all their
friends...but we cannot have those heart to heart talks like some
families do.
I would love to hear from someone who has these things in common with
me....
Tammie
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