Susan's Story

This is the first time i've actually tried understanding what happened, as none of it actually felt wrong until i was taken in to foster care and told it was wrong.
Also as I was abused mentall/emotionally and physically, the sexual abuse seems to almost fade into nothingness.
And because i suffered all three i can't remember when it all really started, although I can remember(what is classified as abuse) from my earliest memories- which are from when I was about three.
it started with my parents accepting nudity as normal and took photos of both me and my sister(to prove that point i think) but also had no problems with us going to school without nickers on(and them not mindinig) and answering the door with no clothes on. But the beatings started when I got a bit older(i've always been a rule follower) and were usually because i stuck up for my sister and mother when my father was shouting or beating them up.this led to me not trusting any of them because when i intervened they'd both just run off and hide or try and talk him down. It meant that in the end i just decided to take it rather than try and fight it(i think this is what my mum and sis did but they're both older than me).This meant he had the power to twist how i behaved with people and subsequently the way i behaved with him.The first time he abused me was when he was sat watching porn(i used to sit and watch it with him) and i didn't mind because he told me we would be doing like the porn actress had done, which was why she was so good.These sort of incidences carried on till i was nearly twelve but in the end he had me believing i was growing up to be this amazing pornstar.When i wouldn't do as he asked he'd beat me or tell me how useless i was or just shout at me and ground me to my room. This i learnt to cope with this because i learnt to accept it but because he also gave me extra pocket money for keeping his secret i started stealing so that i always had lots of money(and because the only way i seemed to have any friends was to give them money or buy them things).What has been beating me up ever since i came into care though is that some of the worse stuff i actually asked him to do because i wanted to be like the women we watched on tv.
I am now 18 and it's nearly 7 years since i got taken away from my family but i still feel guilty that i helped put my own dad in jail(he abused one of my sisters friends) as me and my sister were involved in it.I helped do the abuse and my sister filmed it.this makes me feel like i should have gone to jail too.Instead i've carried on with my life and noone has ever wanted to charge me for it(even though they have it on tape) and i don't understand why.
Even though i have quite a few really good friends that i trust now and am in contact with every member of family but my dad, i still feel scared that i won't be able to handle personal/sexual relationships because i can't seem to be able to trust peoples real intentions and i cant understand how people flirt or anything.
I don't care if noone ever reads this, i'm just glad i could get it off my chest and tell someone.
It may help me with the healing process(if i can call it that) and help me put things in prospective.

Susan