I was sexually abused for 3 years between ages of 12-15 by a foster father who raised me.I tried to tell but was overlokked for I alse o had a lot of emotional problems that were always put off as being because I was "DUMPED"....I then went on to deal with the pain that was inside of me by drinking,drugs,and a lot of other dysfunctional behaviors.Well after 12 suicide attempts and 3 marriages,I decided to get it together...I was pregnant with my 2nd baby and wanted a better life for all of us....my first child...a daughter...was 5 when I got into a church and started praying for a good christian man.I still hadn't worked on my issues...only put a spiritual bandage on it...Well in my still dysfunctional way I grabbed onto the 1st man to come along that seemed to fit my order.We were married a few months later then within a couple of months I was thrown backwards some 20 years to finally deal with my past...and in the dealing with my issues to get my then 11 year old daughter back out of the system after she was abused by this husband for I couldn't be there for her at thar time...that infuriates me most of all...how I let her down then...we are long past that now and she is happily married with 2 sons...the apples of my eyes.God Bless you and all who seek healing

I was a very troubled child, I never really knew why. I just knew I was angry. I hated everyone and everything... especially myself. My Mom had a friend who used to be around all the time, I always remember hating him, but not knowing exactly why. My Mom and him got into a big fight when I was about 9, and he didn't come around any more. About two years later, they reconciled, and he came over. When he hugged, me, I knew instantly what happened. I felt sick to my stomach. I went in the bathroom, threw up, and cried for the longest time. I was overcome with visions of him molesting me. Since that day, the nightmares, visions and feelings have been constant. I remember so much now. A lot of things clearly, as if it was yesterday, but so many things I don't know where I was, or when it was, I can just see us. I never told anyone. I thought I just had one hell of an imagination, and made it all up. I think that's what I wanted to think. I know now it really happened. I! remember him making me touch myself while he watched. I remember him putting his penis in my mouth, telling me "It's just like a lolly pop, suck it just like a lolly pop" It tasted worse than any lolly pop I'd ever had, but I still did it. I remember him putting his penis between my legs, and moving his hips in and out, like we were having sex, but he didn't put it in. (Thank God!!) He did put his fingers inside of me, it hurt so bad, one time I was so scared I peed on him while he was doing that. I got quite a spanking for it, then his way of "apologizing" for hitting me. His apology for the physical abuse, was gentle sexual abuse. I remember SO much! I wish I wouldn't. I remember him telling me that I must never tell my Mom, because she would be so jealous. "Your Mom wants me to do this to her, but your the special one, I only do this because I love you. Your Mom would be so mad at you if she knew" He would say things like that to me. My parents were divorced,! but I still loved my Dad. My Mom's friend would tell me that my Dad doesn't love me, and that he's going to be my Dad now. I was so afraid of that happening! It never did though. There was never more than a friendship between my Mom and him, but that's not the way he saw things. Anyway... I finally met an amazing man who asked about my depression. He was the first person I ever told of the abuse. He convinced me to tell my Mom. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, but I'm glad I did. The amazing man (Ricardo) is now my fiance. He is very supportive of me, and is trying to get me in counseling. I think websites like this are great, it's hard, but feels good to read other peoples stories. Some make me feel like I didn't have it bad at all. I'm very lucky he never actually put his penis inside of me. It would have hurt so bad! When I was 12 my uncle tried to rape me. I barely got away, but I did, I'm proud of myself for it. I'm trying really hard to have a normal li! fe now, Ricardo convinced me that I can do anything I want. I decided to go to get my high school diploma (I dropped out of school in sixth grade) I'm planning to start college in the fall, I now realize that I'm a beautiful, intelligent young woman, I've decided that I'm not going to be a victim anymore, I'm going to be extremely successful, I know I'm worth it... and if your a survivor of abuse, keep in mind, that YOU are worth it too! I'm only 18 , but at any age, you can go to college, and do what ever you want! Hang in there everybody. If anyone wants to talk, please email me, I'd love to talk with you. My address is: fluffyroach@hotmail.com Thanks for listening..

My sexual abuse began around age three and continued until about age seven . It was my cousin who was three years older and three times the size of me. He also physically abused me, one of his favorite tortures was the indian sunburn as he called it, twisting my skin on my arm as hard as he could in two different directions.I can remember sitting there and not flinching or crying out (only in my mind) He was so cruel and evil, he knew sexual things and terms that nobody his age should have known. Someone must have been molesting him as well. I can still remember the paralyzing fear that I would feel when my mother would say that we were going to his house. We would go there alot for holidays and birthdays.I can remember walking across the porch and how long it seemed.I wanted to turn and run but could't. I remember sitting through happy birthday and cake and ice cream knowing all to well what I was in for next. He would always say " Heidi come upstairs and play with me." Sometimes I would tell my mother that I didn't want to and she would say" oh Heidi go play with your cousin" . He would then do even worse things to me cause I had tried refusing to go to his room.He would make me rub genitals together with him and as he got older made me put his penis in his mouth,and would throw me on the bed and penetrate me. When I was ten my stepfather would look at ponography with me and would lay on top of me on the bed tickeling me and I could feel the erection.I can also remember masturbating him through his sweatpants,maybe he thought it wasn't abuse if we didn't touch skin. I felt ashamed and like it was my fault for a long time but he was 40 and I was 10. I became very self destructive as a teenager abusing alcohol and smoking and being violent.I used to think that all this happened a long time ago so it couldn'teffect my life today but it does. I have always thought of sex as dirty, have a difficult time finding pleasure in sex,have ocd , depression , severe anxiety and dissociation.I also have a chronic pelvic floor contraction that I believe could have something to do with all of this.I also have problems leaving my children with other people cause I don't trust them. I want others to know that they are not alone in this and I think getting it out and talking about it helps.Holding it in isn't healing. Email

Hi my name is Sanday. Ive decided I need to reach out and share my past. I remember at the age of five my dad came to take me from my mother. I was a child born out of wed-lock. My dad lied to his new wife and told her that I wasnt his. The day he came for me I remember thinking that he was my hero. He came to rescue me from my unstable mother. By the time I was five I had already been in and out of several foster homes,ect. I was back and forth in the states custody, as my mother was pyscophrenic.

The drive up to his house was a few hours away, and I held him close to me. I was finally gonna be loved, or so I thought. When we arrived I met my step mom. She immeadiatley told me that She was my mother, and I was not to call anyone else Mom. She became my mommy dearest. I wont go into that right now.

Im not sure how old I was when the first occurance of sexual abuse encountered me. I only have my memories to guide me, and through them I can assume it happened before my first memory. My first memory is about the age of five. Someone comes into my room, I am asleep on the floor, I awake to this person doing things to me. I am scared stiff, he leaves, and I dont even know who it was. Next memory My dad takes me fishing. He proceded to tell me about the birds and the bees, boys, and sex and love. He talks forever. I am embarrased and uneasy. He then tells me to unbutton my blouse, and then it goes from there. We are in his truck. He tells me this is our secret, and makes the whole thing seem like a learning expierence. More memories... I am kept home from school, he takes me into their bedroom. I am completely naked. He uses a vibrator on me. Late at night I am in their bedroom again. My step mom is out of town. He has his way again. We travel to small cities for his work. It happens everytime. I tell my brothers wife whats happening. She keeps my secret. It still happens, sometimes in my room, on trips, camping, at home. Whenever there was opportunity. My stepmom finally finds out about the abuse. I tell her. She makes me confront him. He stares at me all night long. He denies it to my face, and tells me Im not his child anyway. I must have been 11, or 12 years old then. I am up all night listening to him berate me.

The next thing I know Cps takes me out of my class at school. My step mom told a friend of hers out of state, and she contacted Cps. They question me. I am so afraid, because I dont know what to do. At that time alls I could think about was my brothers, and sisters hating me for getting my dad in trouble. And what would my step mom do would she beat me. Well I ended up telling them of a couple of instances, but minimized it. It was tough, because when he wasnt sexually abusing me, he seemed like a good dad. And if he went to jail then I would be left with my step mom who would surely kill me. From there all hell broke loose. My older brother believed me at first, then after my dad spoke to him, he came against me. My step mom did as well. They sent my dad to counseling, but I dont remember him doing even a day in jail. I remained in the home with both of them. That year was pure hell. He hated me with a passion. I think the abuse stopped for a while. When I was fourteen I heard him in in my sisters room, she was 16yrs old. He was given her a hard time about a boy she liked. She was telling him she just wanted to die. To jump out the window. A week later when most of us were out of town. She shot herself. She said she couldnt live that life anymore. She told us in a note that she loved each of us individually. She said especially she loved my brother. It was him who found her.

Then later my stepmom began having an affair on him. Before that though, there were times when we would come home from school, and he would have her in the room at gun point. My brothers would tell us to sit on the couch and wait. The day he found out she was having the affair. He took me and my step brother with him, and moved us into a small apt. It was there that he beat me when I tried to run from him to escape the threat of being sexually abused again. He choked me and hit me in the face repeatedly. Then he took a gun out of the closet, and set it on the table. He told me he brought it for his protection, but I knew what he meant. I was forced to sleep beside him that nite, I dont even know if he did anything sexual to me. I just remember pretending to sleep. Then there was another incidence shortly after that were I remember like it was yesterday. I was sixteen. It happened again. Im at a motel room with him and my step brother. He questions me endlessly about a boy i like at school. He wants details, and acts like a jealous boyfriend himself. He makes me go into the bathroom with him. Im in the shower hes touching me all over. Then he sits me on top of him and fondles me telling me, now doesnt that feel good. I am so scared. I dont remember what I say or did , and cant remember how it ended.

Finally, I thought moving out of state to live with my older brother would bring me to saftey. Well, he followed. Always a pity party. Telling my brother that I didnt even act like his daughter. My brothers kept trying to tell me I should live with him. I became desperate to escape and attempted to take my own life. While I was in the hospital recovering, he left and when back to the small town we grew up in. He staked out my step moms house and went inside cut up all her clothes, with a knife while they were gone. When they came home he was waiting. Her boyfriend who was a hwy patrolman discovered the door was unlocked. My dad shot him in his neck. Then he chased my step mom around, telling her see what you made me do, and shot at her several times, only hitting her in the arm. She had hid under her car. Thinking she was dead he walked up the road a ways then shot himself three times. They all survived. He was never prosectuted for her attempted murder because she was indian, and the trible handled their laws differently. He was sentenced to 20 years for the attempted murder of the hwy patrolman. Although, he was released 2.5 years later.

Not only did he abuse me, but my sisters as well, and I suspect my brothers, but they havent said. Besides, we hardly speak to each other now anyway. My oldest sister was committed to a mental institution when she was young, and was in and out for many years, until now. Now its been said she may never get out. She was diagnosed physcophrenic as well, but if you ask me, she was just severly sexually abused. I was told thats what I was too. All my life they told me I was crazy. Im sure I wouldve ended up there too, if I had believed them. My younger sister ( my stepmoms daughter), was supposed to be at the house the day he came to kill them. I thank god she wasnt.

My dad was, and is such a great manipulater, he charms those he comes in contact with. He charmed his way out of prision. To this day he is a free man. And I and my sisters are the outcasts. The ungrateful children. I just found out yesterday that he may be molesting my nephews child. Everyone I told did nothing, I have tried several times to tell authorities, lawyers, counselors. Ive been told hes too dangerous, or that I have to go back to my childhood state, the statue of limitations has expired, ect.. Now that I know that he may be hurting another child I am outraged. I am looking for any suggestions on how to handle this situation. My grand niece is under the age of 2. I dont have contact with him, or most of my family, but my brothers ex wife is the one who told me this. She said the baby is acting like she is afraid everytime a man enters the room. She rarley gets to see her grandaughter because of the control my dad has placed over most of my family. I believe her because I know my dad will never stop. There were others outside of our family that he abused too. I just cant believe he continues to get away with it. Any suggestions or comments are welcome.

Bless all of you that have had similar expierences. I know your pain, and thank you for taking the time to listen to mine. Sanday

I just turned 24 as of April 21st. and yet again, I promised myself that I wouldn't think or cry about it this this year. That I would allow myself to ve happy this time. This is my true story of a girl just like yourselves.
I was adopted from Costa Rica along with my sister. Our parents are middle class citizens from Louisisana. He started to come into our room when I was 8 and Jen was 7. My mom worked nights and my father would come and read to us before bedtime. He started to hold me and say, " Do you know what a fish kiss is?" He would teach me to kiss him on the lips. He would wait for my sister to fall asleep before he made his move. My father would put his erected penis between my legs and move till he ejaculated on me. This continued till I was 10. I thought it was a game. I asked my sister if he plays the same game with h! er and she didn't even know what I was talking about. I just thought this was our secret game. Then, he gradually started to preform oral sex on me. It's seemed to help me sleep. Never, did I know what sex was either. Now, I'm 12 and my father places me on his lap in the bathroom that was in my room also. He put a lubricant on his penis and in my vigina then inserts it in me. I lost my virginity straddling my father. It hurt but I didn't cry to show how tough I was which I thought he'd be proud. He came inside of me and showered me after. My father continued to show me all these positions which was like a new game and as if I received points for having him ejaculate. Now, I'm 14 and I'm addicted to this game. I enjoyed every part of it. Until, I began my first relationship which turned sexually. I was so confused, this was the game, he knew it too. He explained that this was sex. ! My parents sheltered us so much that this was a shock. I started to sleep in my closet for I was afraid that my father would know I sept with another man. Not, fearing that he would disapprove but that I had played his game with another which he instructed me not too. Now, 15 he has left me alone and so I this is how I started my teen years: I began to sleep with guys to get some attention, runaway, sucided (2) all the crazy things to forget my childhood. I now am 24years old and have moved 10 different place in the past 4 years of my life. Also, I was married twice and divorced twice before the age of 22 and to make matters worst in my memories, I lost my first and only child to mental abuse. He was born to early, for that's what was probably best. Now, I reside in Southern California and still running and trying to deal with this woman I've become. Things are looking up though, I just made one year with a good company, I work for.&n! bsp; I've stayed in one place for a year also and bought an old car but I bought the car! My life will go on but the pain is so deep it's like a leash cutting into my neck every year until I choke.
Take Care Always,
Madelyn
Southern California

My name is Donna Jones and I am 41 yrs old and I don't know if my nightmare meets your story line of survivor or not no let me say that it doesn't because I haven't yet dealt with it I don't think.I was about the age of 8 when my mother's brother started messing with in little ways like just kissing me and telling me how much that he loved me and that I was his special little Angel.At that time he had no children of his own I don't think I can't remember.But by the time I was 13 yrs.old my mother and dad has been long divorced and my mother was a drunk leaving us 5 kids with just whom ever would keep us me being the oldest of the 5 I took on the role as mother and tryed to always protect my youger siblings.We were staying with this same brother of her's and he ask me to ride to the store with him and of course I said yes to get some candy and ice cream for us all at this time he was married and had step-children.We went to the store and got the things that we had went there to get and strated back home and he drove past the road to the house and my heart stopped I ask him in panic where were going and he said that he had to go see a man and talk to him about work so I sighed in releave and then we turned down this road that was dark and scary.I was so afraid again asking where we were going and he said just wait and see.I remember going across a creek with water in it and then way back into the woods it was so dark and by then I was crying and he told me to sut up.He back the truck up in a bunch of trees and got out of the truck and came around on the other side and opened up my door.He had a knife and told me to take off my cloths and lie down in the seat and crying asking him why he slapped me in the face and called a bitch and he threw me down in the seat and started to raped me the whole time holding the knife.After he was done he told me to put back on my cloths and then he said if you tell anyone and i mean anyone about this I will do the same thing to Anna and Peggy which were my two younger sister's.So scared that he would I stopped crying and put my cloths on and we went back to his house.When I walked in I went stright to the bedroom and layed on the bed with the same cloths on that I had on and my sister Anna came in and I started to cry uncontrolably and she ask what was wrong and I said nothing but being so smart as she is she knew and the next morning when my mother got there we left and my sister Anna told her what had happened and I started once again to cry and she ask me and I told her said and we went to the police department and reported it and they arrested him.But then a few days later when I had to go to take a polygraph test he was there over in another room and my mother saw him and made the commite that he looked so bad and unhappy and she felt sorry for him well to make along story short I being a minor she had to file the charges and she decided to drop them and I went through hell never getting any kind of help I blocked it out until now that it has come home to me.I have a neice that has been sexual abused by my now ex-brother-in-law he was her uncle also.Now I find myself like going back through the whole ordeal and it is causing so many problems for me I can't seem to get on with my life I'm comsumed with getting even now.I have had bouts of wanting to kill myself and heavy depression and I am afraid that I am going to lose my husband cause he doesn't understand this at all.I can't afford to get help we don't have any ins.or do we make enough money to afford help so I am a dead-end road it seems.
Thanks for listening to me
Donna

Hello Susan,
I stumbled accross your page while looking forsome answers to childhood sexual abuse. I am an incest survivor. I am looking for someone to correspond with since I myself am starting to deal with my issues at hand. I have started to go to counseling but I haven't had the courage to talk about my past yet. Well this is hard since I cant even talk to my counselor yet. And my fiancee says he cant hear or deal with my pain so I need someone to talk to. I am 23 years old. I was abused by my father for 9 long years of my life. The earlist I can remeber being abused is 3 but that doesnt mean it didn't happen earlier. It hurts to keep this secret burried for so many years. As I read the courage to heal among other books it tells me to tell my story to feel better so well here it goes. I can remember being so young my dad walking to my room after mom left for work and my younger brother was sleeping. He would say this is a special game for daddy's and their girls and not to tell anyone.

I can't remeber all details yet as I repressed alot of them. what I can tell you is that during all the abuse I was forced to watch adult porno movies. He would try to do the stuff they were doing. It hurt so much when he forced himself on my small not yet developed body. How can a grown man do that to me. He even got me pregnat later in those years and to hide it he took me out of our town and made me lie to some doctor which we used a fake name that he made me again rehurse. I had a painful abortion which still makes me hurt I dont understand why? I guess thats one reason I am afraid to have sex and get pregant again. I had no childhood. I had no friends as I was not allowed to. Well when I turned 16 I ran away and started to look for help but when i did no one believed my when I ws trying to seek help so I stopped trying and just pushed the pain down. Well I now live on my own with my boyfriend of 5 yrs. i am looking for friends who can help listen give suggestions. As!
I feel comfortable I may send you more or any friends that you may help me to meet. Please feel free to send this to anyone who wants a penpal as I do want someone who understands and listens. ann.

Hi. How to start? (I’ve just got to get past this first line!) There, I’ve done it!

My story begins when I was a small child. By the age of 4, I knew to listen for my father’s footsteps coming towards my room to tuck me into bed at night. I learned young how to cope with ‘Daddy’s game’. Many a night I spent having a tea party in my mind while we played his game.

I don’t know what to say. My father abused me for most of childhood. He made me feel special and dirty and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes I secretly yearned for his attention. Always my skin crawled as he touched me and my mind and my emotions ‘left’ as I touched him.

As I write this, I’m stepping so far away from it that once again it seems like it happened to another person and not to me. I became so adept at distancing myself from his abuse as a child that as an adult it’s difficult to stay present long enough to talk about what he did. I feel as if it happened to someone else and my mind took a video of it for me to take out and look at it from a safer distance.

My father first raped me when I was 8 years old. The abuse ended when I was 13. No one in my family believes that my father could do such a horrendous thing. After all, he’s always been ‘so disgusted’ by child molesters. And he’s always so insistent that his girls be modest in his presence. How could such a man ever, ever molest one of his own children?

And the fact that I repressed the memories of my abuse for years only adds to my family’s disbelief. They don’t want to accept the awful truth about the man they love. They would rather believe that somehow, Linda’s psychological and emotional problems come form some other unknown and less threatening reason. I’m the ‘sick’ one in the family who needs to be treated with kid gloves lest I slip off the edge of sanity never to return again.

It’s so ironic that they all feel that they need to be careful of me and protect me as an adult. For so many years, when I really needed protection, no one was there to help me. I had to learn to help myself. I learned how to protect myself as a child and in the process I became stronger than anyone realizes. I survived.

Today I still struggle with self-esteem issues, depression, anxiety, and an inability to maintain close relationships. I say I ‘struggle’. I am not defeated. I grow slowly and heal one step at a time. Life is good some days and not so good others. What’s important to me is that I continue growing and that I remember to be good to me.

We all need that self care. That positive self love. The child in each of us was devastated and we, as adults are the only ones that can bring our inner selves out of the shadows and into the light. One, gentle, self-caring step at a time.

Linda J