I came across your website several months ago when I was trying to find help with what happened to me. The first time I came to this site I cried. I felt so sad reading your story and the many other survivor stories. I didn’t realize there were so many people who had been through what I had gone through. This is my story.

When I was about 8 or 9 years old my father started molesting me. He abused me for the next 8 years. During those 8 years I was confused, hurt, angry, and ashamed of myself. I felt so dirty. I thought there was something wrong with me. My whole life I have felt isolated from the rest of my family and people around me. I remember he would come into my bed at night and do these unspeakable things to me. How could my own father do such things?! I felt I couldn’t tell anyone, because I was so scared my family would be broken up and it would be all my fault. I was scared no one would believe me. I was going through depression and I cried myself to sleep every night. During those years I hurt so much. I wanted to die. I felt I was the only one going through this pain and wished I could find just one person who understood me. I felt my whole life was a lie. On the outside I was a normal looking teenager, but inside I was living a devastating and cruel life. Everything was such a lie. Finally when I was 17 I told my teacher. The school called the police and took down a police report. I was so scared I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. I didn’t dare to look up. Up until this point, I had always known what he did to me was wrong, but it had taken me many years just to admit to myself, inside my own head that my father had abused me. A social worker was called in and they tried to get him to apologize to me, but all he could say was that, “he forgives me.” The social worker didn’t make my parents go through counseling or even try to get me into counseling! I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t understand how something tragic could happen and no one was doing anything about it. I felt heart broken and confused. I felt like I had told a huge secret and nobody cared. It was as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders, but at the same time I was exposed and naked. My family knew about it, but no one tried to help me and even comfort me. It was like they all knew, but no one would speak of it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but during this time they held my life in their hands. They had the power to nuture and heal me or turn the other way. They chose to look the other way and ignore it. It broke my heart. People say that in life you only have your family and no matter what they will always care about you. I felt so unimportant and stupid.

As years went by I tried to forget what happened to me, but I couldn’t. I started seeing how the abuse had affected me. I didn’t have any self confidence in anything I did and I felt so ugly when I looked in the mirror. I thought I was the ugliest thing that ever lived. I was so scared to do anything in life, because I was scared I’d fail and no one would be there to help me. I felt unimportant and didn’t think I deserved anything good in life. A few months ago I started therapy. It was best thing I could’ve done for myself. It was a huge step towards healing. I know I have a really long way to go, but I know one day I’ll make it. I still have low self confidence and a poor self image, but very slowly I’m healing. I realize now there are so many people that are abused and I know they feel the same way I do. “I’m not alone!” That is what I had been waiting my whole life to hear!

Before, when I would see fathers and daughters that had a good relationship I’d feel uncomfortable, because I knew what my father had done. Now when I see fathers and daughters, I feel so hurt. I was once a little innocent girl and my father took advantage of that and stole my innocence! It’s something I will never ever get back, but I realize now how precious children are. They’re so small and innocent, and have their whole lives ahead of them. They fill this world with wonder and curiosity. They make this world a better place. They really do.

Thank you so much Susan for having this website up. It was one of things the things that really made me realize there are other survivors out there and that there really is hope in this world. To anyone that is reading this that is being abused right now, please don’t give up!!! Your life is precious and there is hope and love out there. Don’t believe what they tell you! We as survivors took so much onto our shoulders and carried so much pain and hurt. Don’t hide your face or be scared. As survivors of sexual abuse we are strong to have taken so much hurt and still be alive! Please don’t ever give up….Hopeful & Healing

My name is Lisa. I despritaly want to be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I just don't yet feel like one. I am 34 years old and married to a wonderful and patient man who is trying with all his heart to understand my emotions. I have two beautiful children 5 and 7. I have a great life right now...on the outside. I should be so happy, and I am...on the outside. On the inside I feel truely lost, scared...no terrified. My sexual abuse started when I was 4 or 5. I was abused by my Fathers brothers (my uncles...although I never refer to them as that). My Grandparents had a camp at the lake. In the summers myself and my cousin's, all 10 girls would spend a couple of weeks there together. In the evenings my Father's brothers would lure us into the bunk houses one by one or sometimes a few of us at a time. My biggest memory is of my disgustingly ugly uncle over me, as my other uncle held me from behind, petting my head and COMFORTING me...if you can beleive that...no, it wasn't much comfort at all. After we were always told that if we told anyone what we did we would get into serious trouble and everyone would hate us. Well, we certainly beleived this and kept our mouths shut. How painful it is now to think of how stupid they thaught I was to make me beleive that I did something wrong and not them! I have beleived this my whole life thanks to this. I still feel that guilt, that I did something wrong. This continued until I was about 10 years old. I also am having memories of it happening on my Grandparents farm. I was also abused by a male cousin, who I have found out was also being abused by the same uncles. (not that that is an excuse)

This left all of us girls to hate eachother...I don't know why. Maybe it was the easiest way to wash away the memory and keep them out of our minds and lives forever. There is one cousin I have...we call eachother sisters. I remember the summers at the camp when her and I would isolate ourselves from everyone and have the best times just pretending things were normal...OK. We would get on a huge innertube and float out into the lake as far as we could watching the air as far as we could above us. Her and I will always share a special bond...one that can't be broken, no matter what.

I was going to take this terrible life to my grave. I couldn't bring myself to start such a horrible family fued. I couldn't bring myself to cause my Father so much pain. I was already convinced my Grandfather knew what was happening. Around 10-11 years old, I stopped going to my Grandparents camp for the summers, I was getting a little to old and My parents wanted me to stay home with my friends. When I was pregnant with my second child at the age of 28, I received a phone call from my "sister" telling me that one of my uncles was in police custody and had confessed to 20 years of child sexual abuse. He was caught. I don't know if I was releived or not because, the next words out of her mouth was "they have your name, too, he told them everything" I was soon contacted by a witness protection person and was asked to come give a statement. I couldn't beleive that after so many years of keeping this SKELETON in my closet, now I was being FORCED to tell everything...to someone I had never met. I never even had told my husband. Thinking that I had no other options...I went. I couldn't beleive what he had told them. Every detail he remembered. This was the hardest thing I had to do. As it turned out the statue of limitations was too long and they couldn't use me in court. That is sad...there is no statue of limitations for emotions and feelings. He only got 1 1/2 years in prision and is now out walking around in my same town. I again feel more guilt because I never told anyone and maybe it is my fault that he went on abusing little girls for the next 20 years, the most recient one being to young to testify...all I could picture is myself and the life of emotional hell this little girl is going to endure.

Being that I was forced to bring this out into the open and now EVERYONE knew. I saw my father go through much pain. I felt that they all wanted to know what happened and then it was over. Noone wanted to talk to me about how I feel now. Noone felt bad for me because it had been so long, not even my Mother. Everyone figures that because I have kept this a secret for almost 20 years that it doesn't bother me. The truth is that even when it all came out I wasn't ready. I felt no emotion. Now I am finding 5 years later that I am ready and it is all comming out at once. I am having memories that I never knew were there.
I am scared but, most of all I am angry ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I become moody, and I blow up at my husband or my children. I have fits of uncontrolled emotions out of the blue that I can't control. At the time I don't know why this is happening but after I realize why because my last thaught is always of the same thing...being held down while this beast thrust himself into me. I have a huge problem with trust. I can't EVER beleive when someone says "I love you" that they mean it. I am always waiting for the storm and can never be happy. I can't be satisfied with myself physicaly or mentaly and I have a constant need
for attention. I don't know where to start getting through this, at times it hurts as much as it did when it was happening.

I know I need counceling. I am scared to trust someone. I am scared they will laugh at me when I leave, share my feelings with others. I don't know where to start. All I know is that it IS starting and it is out of my control.

I searched the web under childhood sexual abuse, I read your opening. I read as many stories as I could emotionally get through. I noticed one thing, wether it was an Uncle, a Brother, A Father, stranger or simply someone you trusted that hurt you, we all carried it through life heavily and it could never stay inside forever. Some of them sounded almost rejoiceful that they are over it and have had help and actually LIKE themselves again! I am envious of this...I am desperate to forgive myself, desperate for the anger and memories to go away. I want to wake up and not have a thaught of it for the enire day.

When I wrote this I didn't care if anyone read it or not, as I came to the end I realized I felt differently. If you reply please do ...Author

Hi my name's Andrew. I just want to give thanks to you Susan for your website. It's full of inspiration and I love the music. I'm 27 now but I was sexually abused between the ages of 7 and 11. My mother used to take me around to her friend's place and it was her friend's son that sexually abused me.

I was so frightened and I remember my abuser telling me to keep quiet or else he would come and get me.

I'm trying to face life positively but it is so difficult. I have only just arranged therapy but it doesn't begin until August.

Now all I feel is trapped and scared to get close to people. This is part of the thing that happens I suppose. The child loses it's innocence.

I have read some of the other stories and some of them made my cry. I would like to correspond with anyone who has been abused in one form or another. We can all support eachother and work on moving forward with our lives.

Thanks again Susan, you're a credit to everyone.

Andrew

Hello,My name is Erica from your servivor storys on your web page. It is 2:40 in the morning and I find myself sitting in from of my computer wanting so much to scream help! It was over a year ago when I wrote you my story and alot has happend. After I left the father of my baby I went thru a serious depression. And I felt so angry inside ,something in me snapped. I decided to lose wieght . I wieghted almost 400 pounds when I decided this. And I decided no matter what the cost I was gonna do it. So I slowy starved myself. I ate every 4 days,and within a month dropped 100 pounds. Untill I had to go to the hospital because I was so dehyrated I couldnt even hold liquids in my stomache. When i got out I started to eat again,but only once a day or once every 2 days.When I got down to 220 I was raped by
a co worker of my ex husbands. For a while I considered going back to wieghting 400 pounds because I felt atleast then men would leave me alone. I felt like I could handle men not even treating me like I was human because I was so big other than bieng raped because I was smaller. I went thru a serious depression and stayed angry for a long time but I managed to pull thru and be okay. Then I started having flash backs and remembered my father molesting me when I was 2 years old. And for a while there I felt like there was something wrong with me,maybe something evil and that was why even my
father saw it in me and touched me when I was 2. Untill I met a man I had thought was so wonderful. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was on the rebound and this man made me feel soo good about myself. By this time I had starved myself down to 170 and was making myself throw up when I was so hungry I couldnt help it and had to eat. The man I had started to see got me to start eating again and realy made me feel special. And he was so good with my daughter. Untill he started trying to control me. He would get jealous if I flirted with another man. And even gets jealous about my relationship with the father of my baby. Even though it isnt a good relationship we try to get along for my daughters sake. Then my ex boyfriend and I started talkin and I realized I never realy loved the current guy I was seeing . He just felt safe to me and that I was still seriously in love with my ex. But I was confused. I told both men how I felt about them and asked them for time and space to sort out my feelings. Well my current boyfriend got worse. He started treating me like a trophy and acted like it was a compotion. And started trying to control me even worse. We started fighting all the time and he even kicked me out of the house at one point. Untill I told him I would leave but before I went I thought he should know that I though I was pregnate. I was on the birth control and was trying not to get pregnate but obviosly it didnt work. He bought a test that night and it turned out I am. I cried my eyes out when I found out I was,
And at first I was gonna settle and try to make things work but after a while I realized I still wanted to see my ex one last time to see how much I still cared for him. I wanted to make sure there was nothing left between me and my ex and make sure I was doin the right thing. But also part of me didnt want to be pregnate. I was on the diet pill and still starving myself. Even though by that time I wieghted 160 and had lost a total of 240 pounds I still couldnt see a difference when I looked in the mirror. When my boyfriend found out he was angry,and told me if I wanted things to work out between me and him then to get an abortion, He said if I didnt and I got involved with another man and didnt stay with him he would take the baby, And if I had it I would be having it on my own.My ex has stayed out of this and told me what ever I decide to do he will understand and be there. He hasnt pressured me or felt compeled to turn this into a contest. I have already decided to have the abortion. I cant raise another baby by myself. And me bieng pregante wont stop me from starving myself or throwing up. And I dont want the baby to be born with
birth defects. I currently wieght 163 (im 5''7 by the way) and I still cant see a difference. And I cant seem to ever lose enough. Now I find myself goin thru another depression. One min im fine with everything. The next I feel sad inside,becuase I will never get to hold the baby or see it. And the next I feel so much anger towards my boyfriend I want to hurt him. When I do have the abortion I know the baby wont be the only thing that will die. A small part of me ive managed to keep alive thru everything ive lived thru will die to. The part of me that still wants to belive there is good out there and not all men are bad. The part of me that cares about others and can still feel emotions will die also. I feel so lost and alone. So numb and angry. I want so bad to scream help at the top of my lungs but im afraid if I do ill never stop screaming. I dont know why im writting you this. Im sure you have your own problems in your life to deal with. I just feel the need to tell someone before I go crazy. If you can offer any advice or suggestions I would apreciate it. If not thank you,bieng able to just tell you this and get it off my chest has helped me.I think I can finally fall asleep. Thanks

*~*~Erica~*~*

AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER I WAS IN PRE SCHOOL THE TEACHERS HAD TAKEN ME AND THE CLASS TO A FIELD TRIP THERE WAS THIS ROCKET WE AS CHILDREN COULD CLIMB INTO SO I DID AND SO DID THIS FEMALE TEACHER WE WERE BOTH THERE AND THIS TEACHER STARTED TO KISS ME IN MY MOUTHE I WAS 4 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME AND I KNEW IT WAS WRONG SO I STARTED TO CRY AND SHE SLAPED ME SO HARD IT MADE ME NUMB AND WITH THAT I NEVER TOLD ANY ONE BUT AT NIGHT WHEN I WAS AT HOME WITH MY PARENTS I CRIED TO SLEEP HOPING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ME IF SOMETHING HAD HAPPEND TO ME BUT NO MY DAD ONLY WOULD SAY GO TO SLEEP OR ILL HIT YOU AND I NEVER TOLD.
THEN WHEN I WAS 11 YEARS OLD MY MALE COUSIN HAD MOVED INTO THE HOUSE WITH US HE WAS 23 AND HE STARTED ABUSING ME SEXUALLY AND ITS UNEXPLEINABLE I WAS SO YOUNG AND DUMB I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY A GAME THAT BIG PEOPLE PLAY AND I PLAYED LIKE THAT WITH MY SISTERS AND COUSINS THINKING THAT I WAS GROWN UP BECAUSE SOME ONE HAD THOUGHT ME WHAT ADULTS DID.
THEN LATER IN TIME A BROTHER OF THAT SAME COUSIN CAME TO MOVE IN TOO AND ONE DAY HE SAW HOW HES BROTHER WOULD MOLEST ME AND HE STARTED DOING IT TOO THE ONE DAY HE TOLD ME IF I TOLD HE WAS GOING TO TELL MY PARENT THAT I SAID A BAD WORDS AND I WAS SO AFRAID OF MY FATHER SO I NEVER TOLD. AS I WAS GROWING UP I COULDNT HAVE A BOY FRIEND BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS UGLY
I THOUGHT I NO BOY LIKED ME ONLY GROWN MEN THIS ABUSE LASTED UNTIL I WAS 16 I JOINED A GANG FOR SUPPORT. WRONG DECISION I MADE THERE I GOT RAPED LIKE A MAN IN A PUBLIC PARK I VE NEVER TOLD UNTIL 3 YEARS AGO I GOT MARRIED BUT I GOT DIVOCED BECAUSE SOME HOW IT DINT WORK NOW I HURT BECAUSE ALL MY FAMILY THINKS IM A LESBIAN BUT IF ONLY THEY KNEW THAT IM AFRAID OF BEING ALONE WITH A MEN I CRY SO MUCH BECAUSE IM NOT NO
LESBIAN IM JUST AFRAID AND DONT THINK ILL EVER BE WITH NOONE OF MY SAME SEX I DONT THINK SO!!! I STARTED GOING TO A PHYCILOGIST AND HE GAVE PROSAC PAXIL AND SEROTHIN BUT AFTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS TAKING THIS PILLS I COULDNT SEE OR MOVE MY ARMS IM VERY DEPRESSED IM ALSO INTO THE WORD OF GOD AND I SAY TO MY SELF ONLY THE MOST POWERFULL MAN KNOWS WHY THING HAPPEN (PLEASE DONT USE MY NAME) ANY ONE WITH KIND WORDS TO ME PLEASE EMAIL ME

I was rape and still am every time i think or talk about it...it is the downstair neibhor that did it to me...I am 11...his wife is gone to the hospital to have her second baby... he as a son age six also gone for the week. We are poor, my father work no time to give us attention, also my mom work she dont have any time for us ether...i have a brother who is 3 yars older he also abuse me mentaly , physicaly,emotionnely. but not sexually thank god...
I am very vulnerable, that men knows it, at home i am always by myself, this man knows it , at home there is no much love, this man knows it, my brother is bad whit me this man knows it. One day a summer morning , very early , like i always do i go to talk and play whit his son , he is sitting outside half dress drinking a beer , he tells me no one his home,talk to me like i was a grounup, he has a game, a pegboard game, he ask me to come in and play, innocent i go inside so glad that some one is carring about me, then as i was playing he started by putting his hand on my knee and leg higher and higher , i said in my mind ...naaaa it is not happening , i will ignore him and he will stop , but to late he drag me in to his bed room , undress me, lay me on his bed and did raped me....i was and still am cold as ice...wanted to scream but i could not...looking for some one or something nothing nothing... i choose to
live my body , now i am on the sealling looking at the situation, yelling to him ...stop stop... nothing so i closed my eyes ...when i came back in my body, he was dressing me back...wanted me to touch him, never did, I totaly refused...he said it was ok i did not have too...told me not to tell my mom cause she would die,,, if i told her she die crying...i loved my mother so much , i would not want to kill her by my fault.
When i got out of his house, the world was change, the sun was sad ,the colors of the grass and tree and flower's was looking dirty...i ran ...alone i was ...no one to tell...what did i do... i said to my self...shivering ,crying, thorn, hurt, my heart and soul, feeling so myserable... what am i going to do...after a while i came back to my senses ...said to my self ...ok nothing never happend... My brother keept on abusing in other way's ...all of this was destructive to me so, i eat ,and heated ...now i am 58 and over weight... always alone inside, scared ashamed ,lonely, affraide that my mom who is still alived would find out and die...this story is much longer then that but this is enought for tonite...please excuse my english cause i am french....sorry...i thank GOD that my daugther is beautyfull and have never been rape...i wish i could love myself. Name withheld by request

My name is Anita , I have a 4 yr. old grandson that has been sexually abused by his dad while on visitation. my daughter does not have a computor ,, but she is involved in the victim center with my grandson. the prosicutor in the county where he is ,, is trying to get out of prosicuting him because he says it will ruin a mans name.. we asked him if by his file (my grandson) if he the (prosicutor) thought he for sure did it he said YES... we asked him , he seen all of the files ,, by his files not as a prosicutor but as a dad,, what he seen in the files what would he do ? He said if he was us he would have killed him along time ago.. so i cant understand why he is backing off.. we have councelors and dr. s said he did sexually abuse my grandson.. trial suppose to be the 5th of this month... but prosicutor is trying to get him off.. would appreciate to be in a support group. and if there is any one that would like to become a pen pal in writting to her ( because she has no computor) I know she would appreciate it..
Thank you and May God Bless You
Anita