If you would like your story posted, send it in.

Okay, here goes >deep breath< this is my first public telling. I was abused by a family member, sexually, and I was probably only 18 months old when it started. Want to know how I discovered it? When my son was 18 months or so, I started having panic attacks and was medicated but never asked why. When I got pregnant with my daughter only a few years ago, I went off my medication and felt great! I thought, wow, I'm cured! I was grieving the loss of our first baby (lost to us at three days old before our son was born, as you'd guess from my calling her our 'first' baby..) and that's all my problem was! Well, long story short, baby daughter is born, turns 18 months old and I start watching my husband like a hawk. He's a very good man; I couldn't understand why I was watching him. Then other clues started popping up: when my children cry, I hold them and say..."You're safe." You're safe! Of course they're safe! Other people (read: normal, healthy) comfort by saying "It's o! kay - I'm here - let it all out." I was simply saying what I wanted to hear. Then I had a panic attack out of the blue. One morning I woke up and I remembered being a little girl, lying in my bed, door shut, crying my eyes out, my night light all blurry through my tears. And I knew.

I ran downstairs to my computer and jumped online, searching for results for "incest". What I found was someone's home page (wish I could find it again) that listed adult symptoms of child sexual abuse victims. I printed it out. I met every - single - one. I called the sex abuse hotline at the bottom of the page and the operator referred me to my therapist. So I called my therapist, it was 7 o'clock in the morning, and God Bless her, she immediately called me back. In the process of her trying to reach me, however, I had also called my husband who works nights. I told him everything and asked him to come right home. I have no recollection of what he said, I know he said whatever I needed to hear. My next memory is of being huddled in my bed, covered in my favorite comforter, my daughter running playing nearby, my son stretched on the end of the bed watching "Arthur." My husband came in, concern etched all over his handsome face, and sat and rubbed my lower leg while I finall! y talked to my therapist. She calmly asked what made me think I'd been sexually abused and I told her, my voice shaking so, so desperately I don't know how she understood me. She set an appointment up for me a few hours away and gave me precious advice: "You're safe. Remember you're safe, do whatever you have to do to feel safe until you get here."

The funniest part is both my husband, my ex-husband and previous therapists have asked me if I was ever sexually abused, and I laughed. Me? No, of course not! Silly! Physically, yes. Mentally, yes. Sexually? No, not me! I've always felt as if I've been running from something, some big secret that spelled out I was bad. Once this came out, and I got over the shock of it, I realized I was running from a secret that wasn't mine to keep. It was mine to give away. I hadn't asked for the abuse, I hadn't done anything to cause it (and that takes a lot for me to say, since I'm the first to lay guilt in my own lap) and it was not my fault. It was time to let it go and heal. This huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. Knowing others are out there also takes away my worst feeling - being isolated.

The best thing I ever read was in "Courage to Heal": About how living through the abuse is the hardest part, and how we've survived it. And we are strong.

Thanks for listening,
Fiona Also has a Website.

well, i have been waiting for the right time to send in the story of my abuse, but figured there wont ever be a right time. so here goes.....
i am 30, 2 years ago i was raped. i completely cracked up at the time and could no longer keep my 'secret' anymore. i confronted my so called dad and told him i remembered! the first time i remember the abuse was around the age of 4 and i know it went on until at least the age of 9. my so called dad went to court for it and got 6 months!! i actually asked my dad why he did it, and why he beat me and mentally abused me as well, dont really know why i asked that, there can never be a reason for it. one of my brothers also sexually abused me and that went on until i was about 13. i was an alcoholic by the age of 12, was the only way i could find to block things out. i know suffer from really bad bouts of depression, i cannot mix with people at all, i have no friends and my family live nearly 100 miles away. i would really like to have a penfriend from here, who can understand me and what i am going through and hopefully i can be able to be of some support to you too. at the age of 14 i lived on the streets for a couple of years, now i have a roof over my head and a teriffic son, why cant i move on from my past and be happy? how do you ever learn to trust? Joanna

I will call myself songbird.

At the age of 24, I began to remember a series of events in my life that I at one time blocked out or chose not to remember. The first memory that came to me was one of a little boy. I immediately recalled the name Lamont. Age 7, I saw us sitting in my aunts living room playing air hockey as kids. He was my brother. I began to recall, my cousin who molested me in his bedroom while I sat on top of a bean bag while my mother visited his mom in the next room. I remember my mother holding her head to the side so I couln't see the marks on her neck and head while her bitch lover stood over and behind her. I remember looking at the markings on the wall from her body faling against it and scaring the paint. I remember the many nights of feeling left alone to raise myself as a teenager in a single parent
alternative lifestyle living home. Many aunts I've grown to know all weren't related to my family tree though. I remember running away, cutting my wrist and taking half a bottle of Seniquan and ending up in ER with tubes of charcoal running through my esophagas (sp.), I also remember the night I cried wantign to go home and hiding behind a door inmy fathers mothers house, when no one else was around. Don't remember why I was crying though. I remember when I finally thought I made it through the storm and my talents were finally going to be acknowledged for the whole world to see, until a well known big name music ICON came and took my group and vision from me. They went on and grossed 12.5 million in record sales and are still well known til this very day.I also remember the past nine years I've spent in an abusive relationship. I tried to walk away in 3/21/99. Since then I've been searching for peace. I've been looking for someone or something to happen that would help me forgive and move on. This songbird is ready to sing again.Will you listen to what it is that I have to say. Songbird

I am not a survivor myself, it is my fiancée whom I have been friends with for five years. I just wanted to be able to talk to someone and maybe get some of my feelings off my own chest. It all started four days ago. We were having a night in at her place and we had about two drinks each. We started talking about a variety of things and one of them was Veteran's day. So then she began talking about her father and how much she loved him. After a few subject changes and a little time I decided to give her an early valentine's gift, a monogram wax sealer for our wedding invitations. She was very happy and then she wanted to sit up on the bed. This caused her to get a little dizzy and so I came over to her to see if she needed assistance. That is when all hell broke loose. I have never experienced anything like it before and I hope I never do again. She had gotten a sudden flash of remembering her childhood. She started screaming, flailing around and trying to hurt me and herself. I had no idea what was going on, but after a bit she calmed down and just sobbed saying, "you won't let him touch me again will you, it hurts so much." I nearly hit the floor. I asked her if she meant her father and she started screaming and thrashing around again. Somewhere in the next six hours of this episode I talked to some little girl trapped inside and another who would only say that she wanted him dead and herself to die. This scared me many times and I wanted to call for help, but she seemed TERRIFIED of someone else knowing. The worst part is that sometimes she thought I was him coming to get her and the fear in her eyes was unbearable. Finally at seven in the morning all of a sudden my girl came back to me. I absolutely saw the difference in her eyes and could hear it in her voice.
I convinced her to see a doctor and she is going this week and I am going to see someone to see how I can help her. I wanted to thank you because there was a section in your site, "Spa" and it mentioned a teddybear and keeping it close. She has a very old ragged teddy bear that she refuses to part with. She even feels better sometimes going to sleep holding it rather than me, which I really don't mind. I thought that the teddy bear was old and not necessary so I had tried to convince her to get rid of it. I REALIZE now just what it means!!! And I feel terrible for having ever tried to convince her to get rid of it. I appreciated being able to read all these stories and they are helping me to understand a little bit more about what she is going through. Take care and wish us luck healing the wounds.

Sincerely, Brian

Hi I'm a 33 year old female who was sexual abused at the age of 8 till 11 by my stepfather. Don't remember my mom or brothers being around those years Just remember him raping me day and night and putting objects up me.At 111/2 i was put in a home cause they said he was a alcholic and i couldn't see my mother for a while. Well he went to AA he never touched me again but i still couldn't move home i was to angree i felt my mom loved him more at age 16 i came home at 17 i left home still alot of angree in me i hated them so much I had a son at 18 years of age divorce his dad in two years got married 1 year after thet to my daughters dad we were together 5 years and got a devoice married again love this man he understands and he is the first i told about what happen to me not in details.Now we are going through a trial cause the same man sexual abused my daughter at the a! ge of 4 till 7 It has been rough for us and sad I don't trudt anyone cause they told me he wouldn't do it again well he has been all these years cause i have a brother who is handicapp and it has been happening to him all this time intill my daughter came forward. I was angree at my mom for not making sure my daughter was protected while in her care but we thought it was over i hate myself for trusting the doctors and for not protecting my little angel.i hate him for taking her trust and for threating her if she ever told anyone cause i would always tell her if anyone ever touches you in bad places to tell me and she was scared cause of him I just want him dead. I had to never talk about what he did to me cause i locked it in side and kept to myself and now all the nightmares are back and all the pain I still can't really talk about this it hurts I fell dirty . But i will make sure my daughter don't hold things in i want her to talk about this any time she wants cause i am h! ere for her unlike my mom was for me.i would die for my daughter to be happy all the time she is my sunshine when I'm down when she smiles it lights up everything and helps me want to go on Hopefully one day I can talk about this and let it all out so i won't be angree Thank you for listening Writer

I found your web site Susan Smiles and I wrote to say it's wonderful. I am 24, my name is Jeannie. I was molested by my babysitter when I was 10. I still can't remember everything but some parts I remember. I have felt different from all the other kids growing up but never knew why. My parents are wonderful, I love them so much. I was always so frightened of strangers and wouldn't go out on my own. I would have nightmares but wouldn't remember what they were about, would only remember being scared, then I would be sick. After she molested me I was sick for three weeks, in the hospital where I knew I would be safe. The doctors never found out, no one did. Teachers noticed I was nervous but they never asked why. I am starting to remember more, and it's very frightening. I have thought about suicide, like most everyone who is abused. I recently returned to the church, I am catholic. It has given me some solace. I would like to share this poem with you. I give you permission to use my story and poem on your web site with a warning to parents, please take notice when your child cries when you leave them with a sitter, or tells you that he or she does not like that sitter, the child may not be able to tell you why but it is important that you take these cries seriously. I never told my parents, they still don't know, I know I am not alone, there are other children out there who were molested or raped by teenagers who were paid to care for them. Jeannie

Here is a story of a scared little girl...

She was very small and had little face with blond hair and big blue eyes. People thought that she was cute. She thought that she was just made to please others. Why did she think that?

See, this little girl was always told how bad she was. She was dirty, mean and bad. She didn't deserve to be loved. Her business was to give enjoyment to others. She really tried, she tried and tried to be a good girl. She wanted to be loved.

She never had a father either... She stayed a lot with her grandparents because her mother couldn't get herself together. One night when staying at her grandparents it was very dark and a big monster came in. Or maybe he came from under the bed. And he was on top of her and she travelled away, she was not there and it was not happening to her. The next morning she was somewhere else. She had moved to sleep with her grandfather and her grandmother had moved to sleep in the kitchen. "Why am I here? Why is grandmother sleeping in the kitchen?" she just got some unclear answers. Maybe she had walked in her sleep...

After that she got scared. She was scared that the monster would come again. She always had to check many times if the door was locked and she never wanted to sleep without the light on. She started having panic attacts and trouble sleeping... She was very sad... Silly girl, why did she believe in monsters... There are no monsters living under the bed. But she prayed, she prayed to God to help her.

Then sometimes this little girl also stayed at het mother's house. She was mostly alone because her mother was at work, or in the bar, or maybe with her latest boyfriend... But she had a nice friend as her neighbor. The only problem was that her friends father was a monster sometimes. He would want
to play monster games and he had big monster hands. He would hurt the little girl with his hands. Put them inside her and make her feel really bad. But he said that it is a nice game. That he just wanted to make her feel good. She was ashamed, but again, she just wanted to be loved. This went on for a
long time until the little girl moved away from the neighbor.

Later on in school it was already clear to the little girl what she has to do. She is made to please others and others are pleased if they can use her body. Since first grade the older boys would come and they knew that she was already dirty, they knew what she was made for so it was alright to do it to
her. But she was not bad, was she? She just wanted to be loved. Often she prayed, prayed to God that she could die.

When she reached teenage she had many boyfriends, but they also knew what she was made for. They knew they didn't have to care. They knew they could just take her body but not her. She accepted that as normal. She never thought about feeling. She hoped though...that someone would love her. She
had tried for so long and she kept trying. She stopped praying. Now she just took drugs. She went away...

Next thing that came was beating. She thought this boy would love her and she moved together with him. But he knew also...He knew that she was bad. That's why he hit her. Beat her head against the wall. Threw her around the room and raped her. Sometimes she thought about leaving, running far away,
being free. She was taking more and more drugs, not wanting to face the pain. Anyway, she was strong, she didn't have problems, no pain.

People often told her she was pretty. She heard that she was intelligent, but she knew... She knew that they didn't know... They didn't know yet. They didn't know the secret. That she can never be loved...because she is made for others.

But then came a point where God helped this little girl. She was still young, only 19...but God helped her. He had always been there. Her boyfriend left her and she started praying. She discovered meditation and then she found people who cared. She joined the Hare Krishna-temple and stopped doing drugs...

After some years she met her teacher who told her to move to America(the little girl was from Finland). She was told for the first time that she wasn't bad. She could be loved by God and not only that. She could also be loved by God's servants. These people were the first that didn't want anything from her. They found out about her secret, but they didn't use her. She got a change to be small for the first time in her life and the people around her always made her feel safe.

Now she has been crying for the tears that were lost for so long. She discovered she had emotions and she learned how to love and to be loved. No-one is wanting her body, she is now very safe. The only thing she can say is that, it is only God's grace...

Thank you for listening to my little story... That little girl was me and I want heal... from this terrible acts that these people did to me. I hope they burn in hell... I can't say I have much compassion... I think it is actually compassion if they get what they deserve... I want to thank you Susan for this webpage. I wish there were more compassionate people like you in the world... Hare Krishna.

Gayatri devi dasi

Hello Susan, My name is Pam , I am 39 yrs. old and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have enjoyed reading your web. The world needs more people like you. I don't really know where to start, maybe where I am at in my life now. I am in my healing process now, closure has finally came to me. My #1 thanks goes to GOD! I am also in the process of going before a grand jury about my childhood sexual abuse. For 2 years my demons have really anguished, with my wonderful counsler,antidepressants and most of all my faith in GOD I am coming full circle. My story starts at the age of 6. I have 2 siblings also who were abused. I am the oldest and I do believe it affected me harder. I always remembered trying to save them. My brother was 4, my sister 3. This monster who molested us was our stepfather.
Not only did he sexually abuse us he physicaly and mentaly abused us. My mother was always away before he would abuse us. You see she worked nights. He would come into our room at night and wake us from a dead sleep. He would take us for car rides in the night also.He would beat us. The times that really haunt me were the night time baths. He would drown us, hold us under while the others siblings watched. You could barely breath. My story is alot more detailed that I will present to the grand jury. On Sept.11,2001 that was my first scheduled appearance. I traveled from NC to WV. But as we know that was a day we will nwver forget. I then turned everything over to GOD. Since that day there has
been a calm in my life,but GOD has been sending me signs to go on with this.See I do know one thing there will be judgement day! But also I do believe he must face mans law. People have said leave him alone hes an old man, but I see no difference between an old man and a child.My E-mail address is
pg112591@aol.com A SURVIVOR!!!!!!!!!

My name is Rhonda and my story starts when I was 5 my Aunt and her kids lived with us. My cousin was alot older then me and I really didn't like him much- he was always in trouble.I can still remember it like it was yesterday. He started doing things to me when my mom was at work even when my Aunt was there. He would make me go the bathroom with him, then he would lock the hook latch and would take off my pants and his and get on top of me. I did't know at the time what he was doing I just knew that it hurt and it made me feel bad. After awhile it didn't matter if my mom was there or not; he would just take me outside in the back of the house where there was a hill, there he would repeat what he did to me in the bathroom- one time he even put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me if I didn't do what he wanted me to. He said he'd kill me if I ever told, and that no one would ever believe me anyway. So I didn't tell for a long time. I still remember when I told my mom- it was after my aunt died. She first called me a liar, then said to me it was my fault too for not telling. Later I started visiting my dad who did not live with us. One night, I was sleeping on the couch- I woke up to him fondling my breasts. I was 14 at the time. I made excuses for him in my mind, later I and my brothers moved into his house. Dad then began to teach me how to drive- during such outings he would put me on his lap to practise steering the wheel. While on his lap he would put his hand down my pants- the rest you can figuire out. So when I didn't want to go driving anymore, he would come into my bedroom at night and continue his abuse. I went back to live with my mom because I couldn't stand the abuse anymore. However, Mom and her boyfriend were physically abusive. I have been kicked, hit, and spit on- and couldn't take it anymore, so I called my dad and asked to come home if he promised not to touch me again. He told me he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again. When I moved back in with my dad, it started all over again. And I knew this time he would take it farther than before if you understand what I mean. There was an incident where it all came to a head-my brothers had read my diary and were angry. They started beating on me, and I begged my dad to tell them the truth. He looked at me and said he didn't know what I was talking about. I lost my brothers. My oldest brother won't even let me see his kids now that we are older. Which brings us to Now. I am 29 & married with 3 kids. I finallly got up the courage to call my dad and confront him. He told me how sorry he was, and that it was all his fault for what he had done to me all those years ago. We began talking and e-mailing each other. I thought that the nightmare was over- I really wanted to forgive him and when he said he was sorrry, that was all I ever had wanted. I and my family visited him and his new wife for the first time this last thanksgiving. His wife could sense that there had been something wrong for us not to have been around each other all these years (15). When She and I were alone, she kept asking me what had happened between I and my dad.
Eventually, I told her that my dad had touched me the wrong way as a child. She said she was going to try to get him help, that he wasn't the same man that had done those things to me. Of course, I and my husband never let our kids alone with dad the whole time we were visiting- I think thats why she got to wondering.When I, and my husband and kids returned home from the visit, I called my dad,and found out that his wife had told him about the talk we had. He was very angry- saying that his wife was upset, and that he blamed me for her mental instability. He told her that I had made it all up- I realized then that he was never really sorry after all, all he cared about was himself. I felt I had been violated all over again. The last several nights I have had very little sleep- the nightmares are back. I don't know what to do. Thank you for your web site- It has been a great release to share my story. God bless all of us.

Dearest Susan,
I came across your web site when I was trying to pull up some statistics on numbers of sexual abuse throughout the USA for a friend. I completely and totally identify with your homepage. I thought you might want to check out my web site I started in February of this year.

Father Scanlon, out of Steubenville, Ohio, laid hands on me at a mass two weeks before my father died... and this web site was a fruit of the Love he prayed for the Holy Spirit to pour out upon me. I started working on the web site that very night and everyday and night until the early morning hours of my father's death, February 15th, two weeks later. Dad died suddenly in his sleep. You see... my father sexually abused me for months when I was about 8 years old.

There are several stories and poems relating to my healing and forgiveness on the site. I also have many writings in my personal journal, that I kept for three months while I was in therapy, that might serve a purpose for other souls searching for peace and forgiveness in their lives. Please review my site and let me know if you think anything will work for your site... for I want to share the healing balm of Jesus and Mary in my life with others. God bless you and keep you safely tucked in the palm of His hand.

In Christ through Mother Mary,
Tina Sylvester

My name is Carolyn. I'm glad and sad that I found your website. It's so hard to see and know so many have suffered such an awful, horribly, deep rooted pain and yet there's comfort in it too.

I was 5 years old when my abuse started. My mother was an alcholic and had severe mental health issues. She was constantly in and out of hospitals and my father couldn't take care of us and work too. So, he asked his father to come and live with us. Logical choice. Unfortunately he wasn't the loving Grandfather I believed him to be.

I have an older brother and sister but I guess he really liked them young. I remember one of the first times he assaulted me, in the bathroom. He always told me that it was his way of showing me how "special" I was. God, as much as it hurt, I used to be thrilled that I was "special."

The abuse continued until I was 10 years old. Almost on a daily basis. It finally stopped when at the age of 10, my Grandfather died of cancer. I remember feeling so guilty because I knew it was wrong to be "happy" someone so close to me was dead. All I could think was he couldn't hurt me anymore.

I am now 37 years old and still am dealing with the ghosts of the past. I finally told my father what happened to me. For some reason that seemed key to the healing process. I was so shocked to his reaction. He was loving, supportative and so incredibly angry at his father. I have since found out that many of my cousins were also "special."

I am so proud of all of you for sharing your stories and I hope over time your pain will end and happiness will flow in your life.

God bless.Love,Carolyn

Hi, My name is Sarah. I just got done looking at your website (surviving childhood sexual abuse). I read your words and they hit home with me. I am 25 years old and was abused as a little girl. I am guessing when I was about 5. I blocked everything from my memory until I was 13 (actually it was my 13th birthday it starting coming back to me). I was alone, well, that creature (I won't give him respect enough to call him a man - he is not) knew what happened as well. I was so depressed as a kid, even having thoughts of ending it all for me. I didn't reach out to anyone in fear of what people would think of me. I never dated in high school, I always felt dirty. I didn't have close friends.
Everything changed in my life when I met my husband...he changed my life. I had my 1st baby in 1996 and not even 1 month later I told him my secret...it was like a dream. I swear the second it came out of my mouth a ton was lifted from my shoulders. He was so kind to me and kept on telling me I didn't do anything wrong. He made me see the light for the first time in my life. I told my parents a while later and they contacted human services to make sure that it was documented so that the creature that did this to me was not near children again. He did this to at least 3 other girls...we were all quiet, dark hair, dark eyes...it's like he even had a profile of what kind he wanted to go after. Now, 5 years later I have a very happy marriage 2 beautiful sons. But, I still need help. My question to you is how did you cope with it? I really would like to get some help but don't know how to go about it. I have this anger that I would just like to go after this creature, but I am a mother and have to be here for my children. I feel like I am still being violated because he got off with what he did and I will pay for it forever.
Thank you for your time.-Sarah

my story is this at the tender age of 8 , i was raped by my adopted brother , to let you know I am adopted ..I blamed myself for being adopted . because i took the lime light away from my brother i was` the new kid in the family ,the rape took place at home the parents were away for the day and left me there to be with him ..the whole expierence was traumacit for me i went to thearpy for four years ...i hate my brother for doing that too me , my father was angry with him for a very long time ..my mom beleived me when i told her , which surprized me .. for the longest time i held that anger in side me .whicht was later told to past boy friends why i was so shy , and why i didn't have a very good self-esteem about my self i still deal with this pain on my own ,, some years later ,, it happened again ,,but with my
mother's father i visiting my grandparents for the summer ,, i told my mother again and the strange thing about this time it happened to her but with a family member also that later died .... my grandfather recently past away i was by his bed side for that whole week ,,, i and never cried so hard in my life i made peace with God about it but it was still with me & him i told him love d because he was my grandfather still to this day no one knows about that summer expect me ,my mom dad ,, and thats the way it had to be told to me by my mother ,,,i asked her why couldn't we tell my grandmother , her response was no it would kill her if she ever found out about it ,,it would divide my mom's ' side of the family apart and no one would believe me it's all lies why would i do such a thing . so it brought tons of guilt on my shoulders ..what was i to do about this .. suffer thur my personal relations later down the road , my brother later came me and said sorry about the way he was acting and what he put me thur . and asked to be forgiven by me , i told him how i felt and what hell he put me thur said all is forgiven your my brother i still love him ,,,,,,thank you for letting me share my story with you
i feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders anonymous.........

I will make this brief. I have read many of the stories and my heart aches. A simple run down of my story I am sure is more than sufficient. I am no.4 in a family of nine daughters. All of the same father you ask, no, no, no, my mother had been married 23 times that I could think of and I quit counting in the seventies. The topic of this web site is abuse and not number of marriages so I shall input a small bit of the life of nine little girls. When the abuse started and with who........anybody's guess. But, the highlight of abuse came when my mother, who only came home once a week at best, began to yank us out of bed at night ( if you call a mattress on the floor a bed) and line us up and allow her boyfriend the pick."Their Girl." Quit the honor. My co-dependent self soon learned how to get the attention of the
suitor and keep the little ones from being the honored girlfriend. I spent half of my young years promising my younger sisters I would grow up and take them away from that. At eighteen years old and being married only eight months a judge granted me custody of five young girls and completely terminated all parental rights. Those girls are now grown and the saga continues. I am 41 and have five children of my own and much like the rest of you am taunted by the past. I see the different affects our childhood has on each of us. My story is really too horrific to go into in much more detail but, it is considered one for the
record books by most psychologists. The point, I am really not sure, maybe that life does go on and maybe I am still caught in the PLEASE GOD LET SOMEBODY CARE syndrom. The stories touch my heart and I wish I could help to show it doesn't matter the severity of the abuse............the damage is the same. I don't know what I wanted to accomplish from this letter I really don't but, maybe some of these people can realize it doesn't have to be repeated and it doesn't have to be by several people the abuse still changes you and thats okay. It's not our fault no matter what they say and there is a way to realize
the light at the end of tunnel even if we don't believe it is there.

Starbabyyr60

DEAR SUSAN,
I'M A SUVIOR OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND SO IS MY BABY SISTER GINNY.
EVER SINCE I COULD REMEMBER I WOULD WAKE UP AT NIGHT SEEING MY FATHER SEXUALY ABUSING MY 2 YR OL SISTER. IT HAS LEFT SCARS ON ME FOR LIFE I DONT EVER REMEMBER MY FATHER ABUSING ME. BUT SOMEHOW I FEEL HE DID I JSUT WAS MAYBE SO SMALL I DO NOT REMEMBER IT. IS THIS POSSIBLE?
I HAVE NEVER MARRIED BECAUSE I'M AFRAID OF HAVIN SEX. AND I STAY AWAY FROM MEN I DO NOT LIKE BEIN LEFT ALONE IN THE CAR WITH A MAN . I START TO FEEL MYSELF PANIC.
MY FATHER DIED A YR AGO AND I FORGAVE HIM I NEVER HAD A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER UNTIL 3 YRS AGO. THEN WE GOT TO KNOW ONEANOTHER ALL OVER.
I WAS BY HIS BESIDE HOLDING HIS HAND WHEN HE SLIPPED AWAY I DO NOT THINK MY LIL SISTER REALLY MADE PEACE WITH MY FATHER.
SHE DRINKS ALOT AND DOES DOPE SHE WONT CONFIDE IN ANYONE OR SEE A COUNSELOR.
THE ONE SEXUAL ABUSE I DID REMEBER WAS WHEN I WAS 22 AND IT WAS A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY I WAS SO SCARED I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. HE RIPPED MY CLOTHES OFF OF ME AND PUT HIS FINGERS UP IN MY VAGINA. WAS THIS A RAPE? I WENT TO TELL THE PERSONAL IN THE BOARDING HOME FOR DISABLED PERSONS AND THEY JUST TOLD ME HE WOULD NOT DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS BECAUSE HE WAS A CHRISTIAN.________###!!!! I EVEN WENT TO MY PASTORS WIFE BUT SHE DID NOT HELP ME EITHER. WHAT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IS WHERE ARE THE VICTIMS RIGHTS THEY PROTECT THE PERVERTS BUT NOT THE VICTIMS AND THE VICTIMS SUFFER FOR MAYBE THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
THE ONLY WAY I FOUND OUT THAT I WAS SOMEHOW SEXUALLY ABUSED WAS WHEN I HAD AN OPERATION THEY FOUND OUT THAT MY UTERUS WAS DAMAGED EITHER BY BIRTH OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND THEY HAD TO REMOVE MY CERVIX AND UTERUS.
IS THIS POSSIBLE? I WAS ALSO ABUSED SEVERALLY BY MY MOTHER WHO IS MENTALLY ILL
I HAD MY HEAD BEATEN INTO CEMENT WALLS,CHOKED AND HAD SHAKIN BABY SYNDROME.
WHICH NOW IN MY ADULT YRS HAS LEFT ME WITH CP AND MYOCLONUS AND SEZIURES BUT THIS DID NOT SHOW UP UNTIL THE EARY 90'S. I HAVE FLASH BACKS OF MY MOTHER BEATING ME. I DO NOT TRUST PEOPLE. ALL NINE OF US KIDS HAD TO LIE ALL OUR GROWN UP YRS JUST TO STAY ALIVE. AND NOW LIKE MY SELF I FIND IT HARD TO TELL THE TRUTH.
ITS HARD FOR ME TO EXCEPT MYSELF AND MAKE FRIENDS. I FIND MYSELF GETTINALONG BETTER WITH ANIMALS THAN PEOPLE I'D RATHER BE AROUND ANIMALS I HAVE A SERVICE DOG KAILEE WHOM I CALL MY LIL ANGEL SENT FROM HEAVEN AND TWO GERBILS.
SORRY THAT THIS IS SO LONG. JUST NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
THANK YOU M.J SIZEMORE & KAILEE

Hi all! my name is pam and im 38 years old. Its been 10 years since i started on my journey to recovery. Just recently in threapy i learned i have post tramatic stress disorder. It really doesnt surprise me. My therepist congradulated me on comming so far on my own. Im in the supposed last stages of recovery. Although my heart is still heavy.
I was molested by my older brother starting at around 3?. My father woke us up at 4am one morning and put us in bed together, he had a porno-book in his hand. Im assuming he instructed my brother on what to do, but im not sure. Ive tried to talk to my brother about it, i know he was severly beaten by my father (everyday until he was 14) and i dont want to upset him further-he says he trys to block out everything dad did. All of us were tortured in some way by my dad, but hold on-1 of my sisters calls me a liar!!To my face. She says i dreampt the whole thing up! I told her repeatedly to ask Dad or brother about it, but she wont. She says her life is happy right now and she doesnt want to "mess up her reallity", of everything being normal. Can you imagine??!!Although Ive had to live in a messed up reallity my whole life!!!
That brings me back to now!! Im starting to wake up and look at my life and the way people treat me. Ive always been a victim. About a year ago i decided Not to be anymore. I guess it finally sunk in that things that happened to me when i was a child was not my fault. So i started drawing lines on how people should talk to me or treat me.(family&husband). Let me tell you, when you do that people dont like it!!! Some will respect you-some will fight you, but its better to be alone than walked on trust me.Its where i am right now. In the process of making my life better, for myself. Alot of times survivors are caregivers always for other people!. never for themselves to me its time to care about myself and whats good for me! and i think its not selfish or vain its what all of us need to do!.
Id like to get one thing off my chest though something ive been thinking about recently. I was brought up in a small town, in a very close knit neighborhood. Alot of people knew what was going on when i was growing up.
In hopes that they will stumble upon this i would like to ask them "what were you doing when we were getting beat up,molested,neglected,and abused????" "would it really have took alot to pick up the phone and call somebody??" "how do you live with yourself now?? "how do you see me in the grocery store and smile at me?" To everyone from me-real tragedy comes from watching an injustice and not doing anything about it!!!
thanks for listening Pam