I've haven't told many people my story...I'm a 24 year old survivor of sexual abuse and to this day i still deal with my feelings of guilt and shame and i am still reluctant to share my secrets. Most of my childhood is a mystery to me i've blocked out most of it.My first memmory of being sexualy abuse was when i was 4 years old. I was raped by a 39 year old man that was friends with my parents.
My abuse continued even after that situation stopped. It then continued with my older sister and brother untill i was atleast 13.When i turned 13 i was then raped by a guy my friend was trying to set me up with. Shortly after that my brother forced me to comment incest with him. I remember going through a period of time where i slept with any man that would have me.I was so confused.
I thought that when you had sex with someone it ment that they loved you.But after a while i
relized a piece of me was dieing inside everytime i slept with them and they just left.So i decided
not to sleep with anyone unless i was in a serious relationship with them .W hen i turned 15 i met a man that i feel deeply in love with. He new just what i wanted to hear and he was the first person
i dared tell my secret.When i first told him i expected him to walk away but instead he looked at me and told me it wasnt my fault and that i wasnt a monster.I clung to him for dear life after that.At 16 i married that man and for a while everything was like i was in heaven,untill he hit me.I lived through 4 years of mental and physical abuse with that man.I remember at one point it got so bad that after making love i cried he asked me what was wrong .I told him that i was upset because he wouldnt hold me anymore and that it made me feel dirty when he did that.T he next words he said scarred me for life...he told me i was fat and ugly and that my body made him sick.My self esteem has never full recover it took me weeks before i would even go to bed with out bieng full dressed.Finally after 4 years i finally walked away after i got pregnate and he beat me in my stomache and forced me
to miscarry my first child.Then i became in volved with a man that like the first seemed so nice and sweet.Untill i got pregnate and he would get stoned off of drugs and would raped me at night.Even after the doctor worned me that having sex would cause me to miscarry,because of complications.
My baby held on for dear life .I was on bed rest when he raped me.And me bieng stupid, blamed it on the drugs and forgave him.I married that man and tried to make us a family. Right now we are splitting up because he is violent towards me and my daughter.Im 24 years old and i have been abused all of my life. I still hear my stepfathers words echoing in my ears' 'your nothing but a whore and when ever you get near a man all you want to do is get in his pants''.He said this in my room
and when i told my mom he denied it...To this day she still doesnt belive me.And i remember the spankings my stepfather gave me wich should have been called beatings.
He would hit me as hard as he could with that belt. A nd like i said to this day i still live with these memmorys and some i know is there but i cant rember them....so this is my story.....thank you for listening...............
Erica

I am 35 years old, married with two beautiful children, who, thankfully have not been affected by the trauma of my therapy. When I was 5 years old my father (although I hate to call him that) started to sexually abuse me. He would come home after an evening of drinking and would come to my bedroom -
I would hear his footsteps coming up the gravel path outside of our house and I soon learned what those footsteps meant. The abuse continued and got more severe as the years went by, and by the time I was 8
he would be coming to my room at least twice a week (sometimes more), mostly he had been drinking but not always. The thing that I find difficult is that all the time this was happening my mother was somewhere else, either in the house or outside in the garden or sitting in the car with her "best friend" ,another woman, who I now know was her lover. My father went out drinking every night and my mother and her lover would spend the evening together -this was normal for me it had always been this way. When he came home they would usually argue, big time - lots of screaming and shouting, it would terrify me. After some time my mother and lover would go outside or elsewhere and he would come to me, he
would be very angry and he would take out his anger and frustration on me. I feel like she sacrificed me to him so that she could have her own life. I have had many years of therapy now and am doing well, my life is no longer ruled by the fear and panic that has held me back. I am now able to have a closer realtionship with my husband, and my children are well balanced and happy. I still have many issues, especially in dealing with the fact that my mother knew of the abuse and chose not to help me because of her own selfishness. But I will survive and I will be healthy, they will not destroy me

I WAS 8 WHEN THE ABUSE STARTED WITH ME FROM MY STEP UNCLE WHO LIVED WITH MY FATHER. I WOULD GO SEE MY FATHER EVERY WEEKEND. DURING THE SUMMERS WE WOULD GO TO FLORIDA . IT WAS FUN EVERY TIME BUT ONE TIME
IT CHANGED ALL FOR ME. IN FLORIDA WE STAYED WITH MY GRANDMA. I WAS IN 2ND GRADE. MY PARENTS AND G.MA WHEN OUT TO DINNER ONE NIGHT. SO MY STEP- UNCLE WATCHED ME AND MY 2 BROTHERS AND 6 MONTH OLD SISTER. I WNET TO GO TO BED IN MY GRANDMOTHERS BED AND HE CAME IN THERE. HE LAID BY ME AND STARTED TO RUB MY LEGS UNDER MY PJ'S. THEN HE WENT ON THE DO EVEN MORE. I STARTED CRY AND REMOVED MYSELF OUT OF MY BODY AND LAID THERE.
THIS WENT ON THAT WHOLE 2 WEEKS I WAS IN FLORIDA. I THOUGHT ONCE I GOT HOME IT WOULD STOP. I WAS WRONG. EVERY WEEKEND I WNE TO MY DAD'S HE
WAS THERE AND DID THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. HE TOLD ME IT WAS OKAY. WHEN I DID SPEAK OUT MY FATHER TOLD ME TO TAKE LIE DETECTOR TEST. AFTER THAT I SHUT DOWN AND DIDN'T TELL MY MOTHER THE WHOLE STORY. I WOULD CRY AND HOLD ON TO MY MOM SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO MY DAD'S.
I WOULD ACT LIKE I WAS SICK ALL THE TIME. NOW I AM 16 AND I HAVE STARTED HAVING THE FLASHBACKS AND EVERYTHING. I STARTED COUNCILING AND IT'S OKAY. THE HARDEST THING IS I HAVE SO MUCH ANGER TO SO MANY PEOPLE
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. I HAVE STARTED TO LIVE MY LIFE DAY BY DAY AND THE DAYS I WANT TO RE CALL MORE OF WHAT HE DID TO ME I DON'T IF I FEEL I CAN'T DEAL WITH I DON'T. THE HARD PART IS I ALWAYS WONDER
IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPEND TO MY SISTER.

When I was 25yrs old I had a flashback of my stepfather sexually abusing me. I was fourteen and we went to a father daughter dinner dance at school. I also started to remember my "normal" life. The abuse began when I was about 9 or 10 and I don't know how long it lasted. The memories haven't surfaced. I do r emember my baby sister displaying alot of signs that she was being abused, and how my mother would always yell at her to stop crying, stop being difficult, always punishing her for acting out. My stepfather kept us all separated emotionally from each other. Somehow he controlled my mother getting her to always tell me how they weren't such terrible people for fear I would tell my real father when I would visit him. I felt like I wanted to kill myself when I was 12. Then I started drinking when I was 15. By 17 yrs I remember looking in the mirror and saying "I give up". I can't keep living a lie. I always felt I was no good. That I was bad. That no matter how beautiful I looked on the outside I felt ugly and repulsive on the inside. My family was about appearances. Everything looked good on the outside. The house the cars, my grades, my weight. Except the rage I started to display towards my mother at about 17 and the defeat I felt and numbing at 18. In college I drank heavily blacking out and usually starting fights. I was severly depressed and didn't get out of bed for weeks. I was far enough away from home to keep this all hidden to protect our "Normal" family. I never slept around, in fact I hated sex all together. I despised it. Which leads me to believe I was raped by my stepfather. Today I am 26 and have been in therapy for almost 1 year. It has helped me in leaps and bounds. I am getting ready to confront my abuser as well as my mother in order to move on with my life and to save my 14yr old sister. No one was there to save me. In fact the sexual abuse in my family spans generations. I feel my mother knows that the abuse happens but is in strong denile. She was always emotionally invalidating and cold. She instilled guilt in me in order to control me. I have so much rage and anger still that it has started to cause physical problems to my liver and gallbladder so I know that in order for me to heal and move on with my life
I must confront those who abondoned me and left me fend for myself. I am happy to say that I have started to work through my chronic depression and have gotten off my medication. I also have started to love myself and gain a sense of myself. I now know that I am worthy of receiving love. I honor all of
you who are survivors and have been inspired to share my story to bring healing and strength to others.Remember we are love and we deserve love.
Malinda

My story starts 40 yrs ago as an infant when I was born the 5th of five children. My oldest brother caught another brother with his finger inside me. He was changing my diaper. That was the beginning of a lifetime of abuse. When I was 5 my Mother began accepting money from men and sending them to my bedroom as a way to make ends meet. I was raised to believe that I was put on this earth to satisfy men no matter how badly it hurt. In time I was having sex with all the males in the family (I was the only female). Yes that means brothers, cousins, and uncles as well as paying customers. Upon reaching womanhood I started getting pregnant and was forced to have illegal abortions over and over again. I began to take this into my adulthood by becoming a prostitute until I married at age 21.He was an abusive husband. He was physically, mentally, and sexually abusive, but because I was taught to satisfy the man at all costs I allowed him to treat me this way. I did have 2 more pregnancys but this time carried them both boys to term. now ages 18 and 14 After 6 yrs of marrage I was sent to the first of many mental health hospitals. After 10 yrs we divorced but I lost custody of the boys because I was not mentally stable. I was all alone again and the abuse continued as I turned to the streets again, doing and satifying any man that came along. for this is what I was put on this earth to do. I married again 5 yrs later to another abusive man that wanted to use me to satify other men. He took money for my services and got high off of cocaine
while watching me be hurt by these other men and him. This lasted 1yr before he went to jail for assult with a deadly weapon and off to divorce court I went again, I found myself alone again and returned to the streets. This went on until I recieved a call from my ex-husband to come and get my youngest son because he didn't want him any more. I knew this was my chance to leave the only life I new and raise my child who I hadn't had for 8 yrs. Just 3 weeks ago I underwent a complete and radical hysterecomy because of all the damage that was done to me over the 40 yrs. I am all alone in this adventure and I am trying each and everyday to raise my child not to hurt any woman and to know what the word NO means. I live with my past each and everyday I will never get my childhood back, nor will I ever give myself to a man without wondering what he wants out of me, or how bad will I hurt later. Cheryl
ICQ#= 63389949 IM= Missy1CNS

Hi! My name is Missy. I am 25 years old. This is the first time I have really told anyone my story in at least ten years. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. There are only a few people I have chose to tell my story to. Contrary to a lot of stories I have read I have a wonderful family that is very supportive of me and could not have known the secrets I held inside since childhood. The man that abused me when I was four years old wasn't much of a man at all he was a boy of fourteen. I don't remember all of the incidents but I remember clips, it all seems like a bad movie. The boy that abused me was our neighbor. I lived in the country and I remember telling my parents that I wanted to go see the cows. I didn't know
what he was doing to me was wrong. I just thought that I was doing what was right, keeping our little secret. I remember certain things that I was wearing at the time, certain things that he wanted me to do to him. I didn't tell anyone my secret until I was fifteen years old. Even then my Mother had to pry it from me, asking many questions about why I hated ourneighbor so much. I just want people to know that they are not alone.Melissa

My name is Kris, my full name is Kristen but I really don't care for that name so everyone except my family calls me Kris.I was just looking at your site and really found it painful and enjoyable at the same time if that makes any sense. I am a survivor of incest by my Grandfather and my Father even though at times I have doubts about my Father and sometimes I doubt about my Grandfather. I don't remember much and I often question my sanity. I have looked at these issues for some time now and actually this is the longest I have been in therapy but I have never told my story. When my Grandfather passed away I felt extremely and physically sick to my stomach. It was a sucky Feb vacation from school...nothing like going to PA to a funeral. Everyone was crying and I couldn't. I remember sitting outside in the van trying to make myself cry but all I felt was sick. I wasn't aware of any memories at that point,I had blocked it all out. My Grandmother died the following year and my sister came into my room and asked me if my Grandfather had done anything to me and it was like she had flipped on the movie projector only the images haven't been edited. She said she was going to tell my father about it and I begged her not to. My Father came into my room and asked me about it and I remember telling him that it was no big deal and that was the end of talking about it in the family until I confronted my Father about his abuse to me.
Things that I always wondered about fell into place....why was I trying to kill myself, why was I drinking and drugging the way I was and why was I sooo fascinated and felt like I deserved to be raped. Things escalated after that day with my sister. I was slashing my wrists and covering the cuts up. I would lock the bathroom door, couldn't go into the basement, had anxiety attacks at night waiting for my mother to come home from her night of gambling. The drinking, drugging and permiscous behavior only got worse. I graduated from HS barely, quit my job and took off from home and eventually was living out of my car, trading my body for drugs and booze. Eventually a good friend took me to a AA meeting and eventually helped me get into my first rehab. I wasn't ready to clean up and sober up for it took a guy to put a gun to my head and I really didn't know who he was and I didn't care if he shot me. Why am I telling you this, probably because I feel like I need to puke it all out of me. I am not doing well with anything. I got sober when I was 19 and stayed sober for 9 and a 1/2 years until I chose to sleep with a married man and then picked up drinking again and I'm having a hard time stopping again. My therapist(Sue) wants me to go to an outpatient rehab and I am struggling with that cuz I am a single mother a 7 year old boy. I just feel
like I'm really alone and that I'm going nuts. I'm meeting men online who want to tie me up and force themselve onto me and I feel like I deserve it all. Am I going nuts?

Hi, my name is Rose Anne. I am 51 years old. My abuse started when I was 4 or 5 years old. My mother was emotionally and mentally ill. She still is. My father was emotionally distant and worked two jobs. I had a male babysitter. Or what I thought was a male babysitter. I now realize this was a friend of my mother's. When it started, my mother's friend would play "horsy" with me, my mother would hold me down. I remember crying and my mother hitting me and telling me to "Stay still and be quiet". This went on for about 3 or 4 years. When I got older, I would run out of the apartment. My mother would come after me and force me back. My father was never home. He worked two jobs. When he was home, he was verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. To say he was emotionally distant is to put it mildly. He was emotionally non-existent. I knew what happened to me all of my life, but I chose to ignore it. I was ashamed, because somehow I felt I caused it. I started my recovery last year and feel wonderful. I hated my mother all those years for what she allowed to happen. But now I realize she is someone to be pitied.
Rose Anne

My name is Susy and I'm soon to be seventeen. A man abused me when I was ten years old. I was on my way home from school when someone grabbed me from behind , pulled in my clothes and covered my mouth with his hand. The other hand went inside me and I cried and screamed in my mind. I was so
afraid! But I never told a soul.I felt ashamed, didn't know what had happened. I took me many years to remember and deal with it. I had a boyfriend for a few month ago and I told him what had happened to me when I was a girl. He knew, but still he did it to me. He raped me. I said no , I pushed him away, but he kept wanting me. How could I ever trust in a guy again? I try, I really do. I'm seeing a pshycologist and it had helped me a bit, but the memories are still there. Susy