I am Sheit Lan. I was abused by my older brother when I was about 12 years old

I guess life is full of ups and downs…when I wrote the 1st draft of this story, I was feeling so positive. Indeed, some days I do feel very positive…I can be so cheerful and happy…I can feel like a child…but
then reality eventually beckons too. Now, I am feeling less positive. I hate myself for being so weak and
wish somehow that I could be stronger. Yet I must also be patient with myself….be patient with others…with this world.

I don’t even know if I am using my sexual abuse as an excuse to not move on in life. I hope I am not. You see, some days it does affect me. Little things that can be insignificant for others, can be so significant for
me. But then, this is the same for everyone…regardless of whether they have been abused or not. Perhaps this is just life? Also, do I give others the time they need? Do I try to understand others the way that they need to be understood…to be supported? Do you think in this way too?

I can’t quite remember how long it went on for because I have blocked off so many memories as a way to cope.
I have somehow blocked off other positive memories too. I don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing. Perhaps what I do know is that I have to cling onto my sense of faith in life…...in myself…and in others. I feel trapped.
On the one hand, I want others to understand me….but yet I also want to protect my little inner sanctuary.
I want to remember the positive memories…to remind myself that it is possible to feel carefree joy …to
give me inner strength. However, this implies unearthing the feelings of guilt about the abuse, and the hatred
I have for myself. I don’t know if I am can cope with unearthing these inner pains…but yet I know that I can’t cope if I continue to suppress them either. Indeed, I am fully aware that in order to heal, I need to confront my feelings. This means working through my feelings so that I learn to deal with them in a
controlled manner….within a structure which promotes healing…as opposed to being overwhelmed by uncontrollable feelings of shame, guilt and self hatred.

Sometimes I hate myself for how I look and feel. Yet there are times when I want to feel good internally
and look attractive externally. In fact, I have learnt to create an outer shell to protect myself from being hurt by others. So what does this outer shell consists of? It is one whereby my outer exterior (physical looks)
and the way I communicate is so confident and attractive as far as possible - so that no one can ever guess that deep down, my inner child is silently crying out with pain...so that no one can ever exploit my vulnerability again…..so that no one can touch that precious part of me…so that no one can see through
my horrible scars. Perhaps it is also a way to help myself to forget. and to move forward too.

Some people tell me that I am pretty. I hate them for being so superficial….for judging me by my outer
shell. But yet there is some part of me that also enjoys hearing them say that even if it is in this superficial
way. Because I am vain…because I also hate myself so much that I crave for people to “like” me in any
way, even if it is superficial. I hate myself for being so superficial.

I have recently started a relationship. I want so much to love him but yet I am so scared too. I have invited him to read this right now because I want to share this with him. I want him to know and understand me so that together, we can pave the way for a brighter future – even though the future does not always seem very certain. Perhaps we can use this as a possible example to illustrate what we can do together, regardless of whether he considers it to be helpful - so that if he needed the support on this or some other level, we can attempt to explore this together. But yet I am scared that one day, he may use my vulnerability against me.
I want to love him and have to remind myself to not push him away from me when I am feeling a little sad
and insecure. I have to remember to communicate with him. He (like my other friends too) is ever so patient and understanding with me. I hope that his (and my friends’) patience does not run dry but if this should happen, then I too will understand. I am very impatient with healing process too…I find the process frustrating and for someone external to me, it must be even more frustrating for them too.

I want to tell my sisters and brother how much their apathy is hurting me. But yet I don’t know if they will believe that I am hurting so much. But then, can I really blame them? Since it is but I who has created this outer shell. Do I have a right to feel sad? Perhaps they will think that I am making a mountain out of a molehill…that I should have “got over it” by now. However, I believe that time is but a relevant factor. For those who have been through trauma, our intense emotions can freeze, with time standing still for us whilst
the rest of external reality continues to revolve unknowingly. I feel angry with them and do not want to
admit this, yet I love them so much too. Will they believe that I can be feel anger and hurt…and also love
at the same time? Do you think that this is possible?

I crave for peoples’ understanding but yet, I am scared if they were to understand me…scared to allow
them to care…Sometimes, I also do not care too, simply because I have to in order to cope. I want
others to know that I feel like a child beneath my outer exterior. That I am hungry for love, craving to be caressed with tenderness and compassion, to feel protected like how parents will protect a child when
she is ill…or for no apparent reason at all except for who she is in her entirety. Yet I shy away from being loved. I want to be loved by others for what I am…including all my negativities that have evolved from the abuse and those that are not related to it too. However, I am scared to let people close to me because
I am scared of being hurt. Just like how I have learnt to associate closeness with being hurt, so I must re-educate myself to unlearn that physical, emotional and spiritual closeness does not have to lead to hurt.
I will learn to disassociate the two, so that one does not necessarily have to be an inevitable by-product of the other. Instead, closeness can lead to profound love…..it can lead to things which we may never
conceive of as possible – but which is possible because it cannot be expressed through my (human being’s) limited understanding of life and therefore, my limited use of communication.

I know I am “normal” but sometimes struggle with this. Perceptions of normality and/or abnormality can
only be relevant since it varies culturally, historically and dependent upon our personal upbringing and positive/negative life experiences. Despite knowing this, I sometimes want to feel “normal” yet at times I
feel that my sexual abuse has made me the way I am today. I cannot reverse time…neither would I
choose to should this option become possible because although I sometimes hate me, I am also happy
to be me too. I know no other way. No one can tell what I have been through by virtue of their conversing with me. Indeed, I do not wish for them to know since I do not want them to see how much negativity I sometimes feel within. Besides, it is not necessary for them to know. Yet, there are times when which I will yearn for understanding. I want everyone to understand and acknowledge what I have been through, to understand that beneath Sheit Lan’s outer exterior, beneath what I may say….lies a child that feels can feel emotionally so fragile. But yet during other times, feels like a tower of strength because I have learnt to become self sufficient.

Although my brother sexually abused me, although my parents don’t know….although I can’t always share everything with those I care about and those who care about me because I am scared to love and be loved, because I have blocked many things out, although I still hate myself, I know that I am on the path towards healing.

I do not always feel so numb and empty. Some days, I wake up and I find everything so humorous….I become like a child, chuckling away as I am amused by little things. My life is filled with so much hope
that I feel like bursting with happiness. This sense of inner happiness fills me with such joy that I cannot
quite find the words to express it. At times I feel so peaceful and serene, knowing that nothing can disturb
my inner foundation….nothing can hinder my path…that everything has a reason, for the greater good of
the whole…even though it may not always feel like it.

I know now, that no one and nothing can ever harm me. I have a deep sense of faith in human beings, in myself, in others and in life’s process. I have ceased questioning why it happened to me …what could
have been “if “ things were different.

I look around me and am able to find so much humour and inspiration from so many little, insignificant
things in life, from friends…from people in my life……….as well as from others whom I just happen to
cross paths with for a temporary period of time e.g. from work, on the streets…from a brief telephone
call. Not everyone is fortunate to be blessed with so much inspiration and positivism in their life. Or
perhaps more appropriately, we are all blessed in this way but just need time and relevant support to
exhume this possibility.

I will just continue to walk along life’s paths. Where possible, I will try to create as many little rainbows
in my and others’ life. I may not always be very effective with this and may not always create the positive effect that I intend. However, I believe that some day, somewhere….things will work out. As long as I do not let go of my or others’ inner dreams, no matter how difficult or far away these small (or larger) dreams may seem.

Please excuse me for being so egotistical. I have written a lot about how I feel, about my needs. I have
also repeated myself in many paragraphs: going over the same issue again and again. I know it is a bit
boring, but I think I need to do this in order to heal. Even though it may seem boring to others, I wanted to do this for myself. I also hope that what I have written will someday provide a little inspiration for others – whether they have like me, been sexually abused, or not.

Inner pain and suffering is not confined to sexual abuse victims and survivors. Lack of self esteem and
feelings of self abasement are quite common, whether we are conscious of them or not. Although such phenomena is universal, this does not in any way negate the unique experiences that we as sexual abuse survivors have endured.

No matter what you are struggling with, whatever you are learning and coming to terms with in life, you
will be fine. Just stay strong. There are many people out there who care but perhaps do not know how to express it and who are going through their own inner pains too. Let us try to remember this together.

Thank you so much for listening.

Sheit Lan