Selene's Story

I am a 27 year old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have 2 children of mine own. After reading the letters posted on your site, I feel I have to strength to tell my story. I was only 9 years old when my biological father was released from prison for rape. You would think that with his record I wouldn't have been made to visit with him, but that was not true in my case. I still lived with my mom and dad (step- dad, but the only dad I know). The courts surrendered custody of my older sister and brother to HIM (my biological father), and I was told that I would attend the visitations set up. I, being only 9 didn't mind, I would be able to bond with my older sister that way.
It was only 2 weeks into those visits that it was approved for over night weekend visits. That's when the abuse started. It started out with just touching that I knew in my brain was wrong, but I was told that this was the way Daddies showed they loved you, so I didn't say anything. Once it progressed into more I tried telling my mom, she confronted HIM and of course he denied it. I felt horrified when mom didn't believe me. But I went on with what I was told to do, which was continue these visits. It went on until my 16th birthday, by which time I had been arrested for shop lifting, a desperate cry for help, not that anyone listened. The last time it happened I swore it would not happen to me again. Even if I had to kill myself to stop it I was going to stop it. I attempted suicide many times, too many to count. My older sister was subjected to the abuse on a daily basis and I wanted more than anything to get ! her out of it, I was happy when she turned 18 a month after my 16th birthday.
I then told my mom that I was not going back for visitation because my sister had moved out of the house and in with her boyfriend. This was good enough for my mom, she didn't question it any farther. I lived with my secret for another 2 months before my older sister "came forward" about the abuse. Which in turn forced me to come to terms of it as well. I had tried ever so hard to block it all out, I had done a good job of it, even though it was only because I had become dependent of street drugs and alcohol.
Upon coming forward, an investigation was started, as did the harassment from HIM. Just 13 days after the initial reports I had all my nerves could take of the harassment, I attempted suicide again. I would have been successful had it not been for the love of my dad, who found me and took me to the hospital where I was transfered to an adolescent psych. ward, and underwent evaluation. I was placed on medication for depression and was attending group and individual counseling. I felt I was finally receiving the help that I needed. When I was well enough to return to my "normal" life, I went back to school. Only to find out that horrible rumors had been started about me. Only a few knew why I was in the hospital, and they being the friends that they are kept my secret, and tried to kill the rumors without having to tell the truth. They felt that if I wanted anyone else to know it was for me to tell not them. Once the r! umors where lied to rest and everyone knew the real reason I was in the hospital, things started to calm down a lil.
Until i was notified that the courts had no record of me coming forward. Basically my files were "lost", and I was told that i would have to go through grand jury and the trail, if I got the indictment, alone, by myself. This was something that I was not mentally or emotionally stable enough to do. So I stood behind my sister and the others, in the shadows. Knowing that they would get the justice that was needed. HE was found guilty and is going to die in prison, I know this in my heart because he was 40 the year he went to prison and that was 10 years ago and he's first parole hearing is not until 2015.
Once I turned 18, I fell into the bad habit of confusing sexual acts as a way of showing love. It took me years to retrain my brain, so that I do not confuse them anymore. I still have trouble with relationships and I feel I may always have these troubles, but God has blessed me with 2 lovely children and I will not allow anything to happen to them as it has happened to me. I have long since forgiven my mom of not believing me, she of course will not admit that I tried to tell her before about the abuse, but I know that she suffers with the fact of knowing that I did. I wish I could say that I forgive her completely, but I can not. I have tried, but can not, this doesn't by any means change the fact that I love her, she is my mom. HIM on the other hand I can NEVER forgive, I will not even try, I know that most psychiatrist say its the best thing to do, but they do not understand what this man has done to me as a person, I am never who! le. I will never be whole, I am missing a huge part of my life that was blocked due to that abuse, and the dependency of drugs and alcohol. Thank you for allowing me to tell my story, this has helped a little.
Selene