Sanday's Story

Hi my name is Sanday. Ive decided I need to reach out and share my past. I remember at the age of five my dad came to take me from my mother. I was a child born out of wed-lock. My dad lied to his new wife and told her that I wasnt his. The day he came for me I remember thinking that he was my hero. He came to rescue me from my unstable mother. By the time I was five I had already been in and out of several foster homes,ect. I was back and forth in the states custody, as my mother was pyscophrenic.

The drive up to his house was a few hours away, and I held him close to me. I was finally gonna be loved, or so I thought. When we arrived I met my step mom. She immeadiatley told me that She was my mother, and I was not to call anyone else Mom. She became my mommy dearest. I wont go into that right now.

Im not sure how old I was when the first occurance of sexual abuse encountered me. I only have my memories to guide me, and through them I can assume it happened before my first memory. My first memory is about the age of five. Someone comes into my room, I am asleep on the floor, I awake to this person doing things to me. I am scared stiff, he leaves, and I dont even know who it was. Next memory My dad takes me fishing. He proceded to tell me about the birds and the bees, boys, and sex and love. He talks forever. I am embarrased and uneasy. He then tells me to unbutton my blouse, and then it goes from there. We are in his truck. He tells me this is our secret, and makes the whole thing seem like a learning expierence. More memories... I am kept home from school, he takes me into their bedroom. I am completely naked. He uses a vibrator on me. Late at night I am in their bedroom again. My step mom is out of town. He has his way again. We travel to small cities for his work. It happens everytime. I tell my brothers wife whats happening. She keeps my secret. It still happens, sometimes in my room, on trips, camping, at home. Whenever there was opportunity. My stepmom finally finds out about the abuse. I tell her. She makes me confront him. He stares at me all night long. He denies it to my face, and tells me Im not his child anyway. I must have been 11, or 12 years old then. I am up all night listening to him berate me.

The next thing I know Cps takes me out of my class at school. My step mom told a friend of hers out of state, and she contacted Cps. They question me. I am so afraid, because I dont know what to do. At that time alls I could think about was my brothers, and sisters hating me for getting my dad in trouble. And what would my step mom do would she beat me. Well I ended up telling them of a couple of instances, but minimized it. It was tough, because when he wasnt sexually abusing me, he seemed like a good dad. And if he went to jail then I would be left with my step mom who would surely kill me. From there all hell broke loose. My older brother believed me at first, then after my dad spoke to him, he came against me. My step mom did as well. They sent my dad to counseling, but I dont remember him doing even a day in jail. I remained in the home with both of them. That year was pure hell. He hated me with a passion. I think the abuse stopped for a while. When I was fourteen I heard him in in my sisters room, she was 16yrs old. He was given her a hard time about a boy she liked. She was telling him she just wanted to die. To jump out the window. A week later when most of us were out of town. She shot herself. She said she couldnt live that life anymore. She told us in a note that she loved each of us individually. She said especially she loved my brother. It was him who found her.

Then later my stepmom began having an affair on him. Before that though, there were times when we would come home from school, and he would have her in the room at gun point. My brothers would tell us to sit on the couch and wait. The day he found out she was having the affair. He took me and my step brother with him, and moved us into a small apt. It was there that he beat me when I tried to run from him to escape the threat of being sexually abused again. He choked me and hit me in the face repeatedly. Then he took a gun out of the closet, and set it on the table. He told me he brought it for his protection, but I knew what he meant. I was forced to sleep beside him that nite, I dont even know if he did anything sexual to me. I just remember pretending to sleep. Then there was another incidence shortly after that were I remember like it was yesterday. I was sixteen. It happened again. Im at a motel room with him and my step brother. He questions me endlessly about a boy i like at school. He wants details, and acts like a jealous boyfriend himself. He makes me go into the bathroom with him. Im in the shower hes touching me all over. Then he sits me on top of him and fondles me telling me, now doesnt that feel good. I am so scared. I dont remember what I say or did , and cant remember how it ended.

Finally, I thought moving out of state to live with my older brother would bring me to saftey. Well, he followed. Always a pity party. Telling my brother that I didnt even act like his daughter. My brothers kept trying to tell me I should live with him. I became desperate to escape and attempted to take my own life. While I was in the hospital recovering, he left and when back to the small town we grew up in. He staked out my step moms house and went inside cut up all her clothes, with a knife while they were gone. When they came home he was waiting. Her boyfriend who was a hwy patrolman discovered the door was unlocked. My dad shot him in his neck. Then he chased my step mom around, telling her see what you made me do, and shot at her several times, only hitting her in the arm. She had hid under her car. Thinking she was dead he walked up the road a ways then shot himself three times. They all survived. He was never prosectuted for her attempted murder because she was indian, and the trible handled their laws differently. He was sentenced to 20 years for the attempted murder of the hwy patrolman. Although, he was released 2.5 years later.

Not only did he abuse me, but my sisters as well, and I suspect my brothers, but they havent said. Besides, we hardly speak to each other now anyway. My oldest sister was committed to a mental institution when she was young, and was in and out for many years, until now. Now its been said she may never get out. She was diagnosed physcophrenic as well, but if you ask me, she was just severly sexually abused. I was told thats what I was too. All my life they told me I was crazy. Im sure I wouldve ended up there too, if I had believed them. My younger sister ( my stepmoms daughter), was supposed to be at the house the day he came to kill them. I thank god she wasnt.

My dad was, and is such a great manipulater, he charms those he comes in contact with. He charmed his way out of prision. To this day he is a free man. And I and my sisters are the outcasts. The ungrateful children. I just found out yesterday that he may be molesting my nephews child. Everyone I told did nothing, I have tried several times to tell authorities, lawyers, counselors. Ive been told hes too dangerous, or that I have to go back to my childhood state, the statue of limitations has expired, ect.. Now that I know that he may be hurting another child I am outraged. I am looking for any suggestions on how to handle this situation. My grand niece is under the age of 2. I dont have contact with him, or most of my family, but my brothers ex wife is the one who told me this. She said the baby is acting like she is afraid everytime a man enters the room. She rarley gets to see her grandaughter because of the control my dad has placed over most of my family. I believe her because I know my dad will never stop. There were others outside of our family that he abused too. I just cant believe he continues to get away with it. Any suggestions or comments are welcome.

Bless all of you that have had similar expierences. I know your pain, and thank you for taking the time to listen to mine. Sanday