Sagha's Story

well, I don't think I've ever been abused! before reading these comments & stories I used 2 think that I had, but i don't think so anymore. actually I don't think this is the right word express the exprience that I had, maybe there's another word for it that I don't know (I'm not a native English speaker).

Before getting to tell my little story, there's something that I deeply want to say to all the people who wrote here, all the "survivors". & it's that they're really brave, to tell their secrets after all. yes, of course, for a child it is so hard --even impossible-- to share such a thing, which they even may think that they're guilty, they're bad, dirty etc (as many ones have mentioned it too). but O good God, we all know that they're not but victims of adult selfishes, foolishes & carelesses.

so here I go (finally!!). well it started when I was 8. since I was 4 I used to live just with my mom. 'cos my dad had started a new family in another city. but we've kept telephone contact & he came to visit us in the other city that we were living in (& still are). & we came there 2 see him & have small trip. my parents both reaally care about me or so they believe. & when I was 8 we met this woman --who became my mom's closest friend & she still is-- & her family: youngest daughter in my age, the other daughter 2 years older & & their son who must be something like 6 or 7 older than me (or maybe less or more!). all of my life I've been told that i'm very beautiful. & it started in a party in the beging of a winter. later I was told that was snowing then (but I don't remember). all I remember is that I was dressed like a beautiful doll. & there was that wonan's all family. & so everybody else. it w! as just I, fatherless, just with mom. I couldn't really feel the gap of it but there was that man (her husband) treating me in a special way (nothing abusive of course). but I felt angry, insulted. something like 'my father wasn't there & he wanted to be kinder', & of course I was pretty. I don't know, I don't know, maybe I've just been over-sensitive about it.

any way, we became closer & closer to them. As I was the only child I always enjoyed the company of adluts, or at least the elderly children. so I was more willing to be with the boy rather than the girls. & it happened. he started touching me. first just back, on my shirt, then got further, through my cloths, on my whole upper body, but still just on the back. & of course, I did object. I've never been the silent type who let people do what they want to do to me. & once he put his hands in my panties & that was too much. I can remember the nasty way he whispered to my ear: "do wanna hurt me?..... I love doing this...." whenever I objected. I tried not to let him, of course I knew it was sexual. but still I enjoyed his company. now that I look back at those days again I think maybe I even tried to please him too (just by my attitude, behavior I mean. never anything even physical, let alone to sexual). maybe because I was alone,! hardly any friends.... oh but he was the same asshole that his attitude showed (sorry for my words). once I told him this, I told him that he's so flirtacious & he hurt!!

& finally I decied to tell mom. O God I do know how hard it is. & at the end I could give her the sign & she realized. she said she told it to his mom but I've never known if she really did. she does give too much to her friendship with that woman.

years past & I thought it was all over. I had forgotten about it, accepted him as what he tried to be to me, not a friend of course, maybe a cousin, not someone I really cared about. then something more than 3 years ago, when I was something like 13 years old (but physically fully grown), I called him to come & get my new CD & give me his new one. mom was gonna get out of the house & he did know this & was supposed to come after that but he didn't! he came sooner when mom was not home & I --not remembering at all about what he used to be-- let him in. we talked about music & this sort of stuff & I played a beautiful ballad which I liked very much for him. "stop that, it makes me feel like something" was his reaction which I didn't take it very serious. "no no, just listen to this part, it's perfect....". he repeated his sentece this time more seriously & louder, so I stopted. we were done with the CDs & he w! as supposed to leave, so why he didn't? we stayed near the main door as he put his hands around my waist & said "do U know how much U've grown up?.... do U remember the 1st night we met?... it was snowing...." in a nasty whisper. .....oh.....no, no........ not again, I was slapped by the cold wave of memories. I don't know if I was scared, but I couldn't move, I couldn't slap him & tell him to get the hell out of there. oh I refused to have his hands on me, but he held me tighter & I dicussed it. & this is the part I hate myself for that, should have objected.... but I didn't & it went on like this,... a kind of heavy petting & he finally left the shit out of there. & I collapsed in an armchair & I sank into it. being angrier to cry. angry of myself, him, who denied all I was, used me to please himself.

oh this abuse was more mentaly & spiritualy I guess. U know I'm so sensetive spiritualy & after that I decided to make him fall for me, bring him on his knees & then leave him to his endless need & desire. it was a childish aim, U all know. & I never even had the chance to try because we barely saw eachother. he even ignored me completely in a trip in the country of the city & the end when he drove us back to home he said something that sent over the edge & I blew up with anger ".... it was the 1st time that we came to such a trip with alone, just our own family". that was it! he didn't even considered us as a family, we meant nothing to him & after that I left him completely to his own pitiful world, not even thinking of him. in the summer after that once again we met when I was alone in the house. I can't remeber of the details but I was shivering in the fear of that thing repeating, thank God it didn't....!

now we still see each other sometimes & he gives us the most stupid ideas about his future wife! the most rubbish thing U can ever hear... & I don't care. now. I have the best man in the world who loves me & I'd die for him. I'm so grateful to him 'cos he taught me the magic of the right touch & the love that flows inside it...

thanks a lot for listening, all of U. once more I share my sympathy & love with all who wrote something here. it's too brave of U. I wish healing for all of our wounds. I hope we 'all' get well. I hope we cure, not just us who've been abused but even those who are that much ill & sick in their minds who do this to us. wish a better & safer world for our children. Sagha