Rachel's Story

My name is Rachel, I am 28 years old and married and I live in Northern Ireland.

I was abused at the age of 10 or 11 by a friend of my biological Fathers. I kept it a secret and never told anyone - his reason for doing this was that my mom was to embarrassed to tell me about the facts of life herself and asked him to show me - he was 21 at this stage. Funny thing is that I remember mum telling me about the 'facts of life' but can't remember if it was before or after the abuse.

This whole episode in my life came out into the open world when I wrote a story in English Class where the teacher asked us to remember the scariest moment of our lives and I wrote about the abuse.

I can vaguely remember the next day in school - everything happened so fast, all I remember is the two policewomen calling to my house and wanting me to talk about what happened, I can see even to this day the view from behind my eyes sitting on the sofa in our living room with tears blocking my view out of the window and me having to tell complete strangers and my own mother what Tommy Mitchell did to me. He performed oral sex on me on our living room sofa and that is the most vivid image that still remains with me today I remember crying and saying 'no! no! no! its sore', his reply was 'just a bit longer', he also had me masturbate him with a condom on and I remember all this geuy white stuff coming out of this massive thing that scared me soo much I didn't know what was going on - I was crying because I was so scared. This is something that I feel will forever haunt me, the police could not charge Tommy because it was over 5 years ago that this had happened and there was no proof it was just my word (a child) against his, so it was classified as 'alleged abuse'. My mum pursued compensation from the Government and I was granted £15,000, this money was spent so quickly (3 months) because it reminded me of what happened to me and I didn't want it - I wasted it. I cannot remember how long the abuse went on for, I can only remember the times it happened and the scenes.

I have had counselling and thought I had got over the abuse a few years ago so I just got on with my life as normal a much happier person. However this was short lived, last year (2005) my husband took ill and I was very stressed and worried over the whole thing - he was in hospital for 1 month and the Docs didn't know what was wrong with him I spent every hour I could with him in that Hospital, turns out he has Seronegative Arthritis, however thats beside the point and he is doing much better now for those of you who are curious - after this period of stress startled to settle I started getting flashbacks about the abuse that were far more vivid and stronger than ever I had experienced - I can no longer sleep without having the TV on a timer so I dont start thinking of the abuse in the darkness, I am always keeping myself busy - if I try to relax I start thinking of what happened to me when I was a kid and I get very angry and emotional. I find that everywhere I turn there is always something on the TV or abuse being talked about somewhere and I feel that I will never escape what happened to me or will I ever get over it - these things are always going to be here to remind me - I also find that I am also jealous when I hear of other victims getting justice - I ask why couldn't I get justice - these people kept it all quiet for much longer than I did?

I have yet to start counselling again and am on a waiting list with a local Charity.

There is a lot more to this story however I do not wish to delve that deep into my past - will keep that for my counsellor when that starts, reading through your website reassures me that there are other people out there who understand how I feel.

God Bless to all
xoxoxo
Rachel