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Susan Smiles
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inside i see a different reality far from the normalcy
encountered called day to day living a paradigm of false admiration
and joy only to weep and question me, was i ever real before
was it ever true?
what i've told you hasn't meant a thing in this oblivion i live aside
from others rejected and alone inside a new life bleeds within me like
water from a stone still wounded carrying it along and hurt from times
long gone i give in i collapse i find the words hiding
I wish I would have gotten a chance
To live my childhood with innocence
An adult decided that I was the "chosen" one
So my life it would change because my Uncle wanted some
The things that he'd do to me disgusted me so
But I was told I couldn't let anyone know
Because if I told he'd make me pay
So I kept it a secret and I'd let him has his way
I always felt dirty, that there was something wrong with me
Why didn't my family know that he was abusing me sexually?
The movement of his eyebrows, up and down, was my sign it was time
I'd get up immediately to go meet the slime
He'd make me do things that would make me want to vomit
But I couldn't scream, cry or even put up a fight
So in my mind I must have wanted it
I know that he got to my sister at least once or twice
The pain I felt for her was more than I could bear
So from then on out I made a deal with the Devil
I'd always make myself available
In my mind I was thinking better me than Kathy
Oh how I hated the taste, the feeling, and the pain
But he didn't care as long as he came
Now I'm an adult who's forgiven my Uncle
But the abuse is something I'm afraid I'll always recall
It's ruined me to where I can't or won't be sexual
Because sex feels dirty and that I have no control
Never again will I have to have sex when I don't want to
But I'm married now and I don't know what to do
Please God help me to feel clean again
And please, oh please, let me know where to begin
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If today were the day that I would choose to end my strife
It would be because I couldn't find the strength to go on with my life
The painful memories of seeing my Mom beaten and me, a small child,
forced to experience sex on an adult's time table
Was too much for me to handle - I just wasn't able
I have through the years been able to forgive what was done
But the support from my family was next to none
I don't want to blame or hurt anyone
But it would have been nice to hear
"Tami, it was an awful thing to have experienced for such a little
girl"
And the next thing they'd do would be to hug me and hold me near
I wish that what happened to me could have been out in the open
But instead it was hid and to never be spoke about ever again
So I was left with the feeling that I was to blame
My whole life filled with such horrible shame
I have tried so many times to work through all the pain I feel inside
But can't seem to find the courage to do what is suggested - so instead
I retreat - I go run and hide
I have always let friends and family believe that I was tough - a person
with strength and courage - who didn't need anyone
But after things are all said and done - all I am is a coward who's
afraid
of everyone
I know if today I would choose to end my life, that people would be
sad
and maybe even cry
But I would want them to know it was not their fault - I was just to
worn
down
that I'd given up - was unable to try
I truly believe that my husband, friends and family would be better
off
without me
They would go on living life, as is suppose to be, with me as only a
memory
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14 Aug 2002
Such a sad, but pretty girl,
Hasn’t smiled for weeks.
She’s drowning in this horrid world,
She chokes on regrets when she speaks.
She was abused and broken,
Thrown away like a defective doll.
She was locked up in a mental trap,
She reluctantly answers to her master’s call.
Alone in her room, no one knows
What goes on behind the door.
Her master, he doesn’t care
About what all her anger is for.
She took the blade from it’s place
By the window, shining in the sun.
She put it down onto her skin.
Her personal torture has just begun.
She wishes she could find herself,
She’s the only thing she detests.
She feels so lost, so confused, so angry,
So calloused and depressed…
Smooth white skin rips apart,
Ruby blood falls to the stone floor.
She’s so sick of her world, so sick of her life,
Her master is Evil to the core.
She’s chasing demons in her mind,
Chasing what she fears most.
She’s caught in the middle of a nightmare,
She’s always watching her sun disappear, standing on the coast.
Every time she lays down to bed at night,
She twists and turns, dreaming of decay.
She strikes a match and lights the candle,
Then she gets on her knees and prays.
She wishes she could find herself,
She’s the only thing she detests.
She feels so lost, so confused, so angry,
So calloused and depressed…
So calloused and depressed…
By Melanie
McDougall
My insides expanding
ready to blow up
Wanting to run
Needing to throw up
They filled me with chemicals
They gave me pills
But it was inside
that was making me ill
I said "I'm no hope
leave me to die"
I thought I was too far gone for help
I couldn't even cry
I know how it feels
to be engulfed in pain
I couldn't function
nothing was the same
When the fireball inside escaped it was hell
I won't lie
It hurt so much,
but I didn't want to die
It was very tough
a hard road to go
But now I can stand up
look them in the eye, and say "no"
I pet my dog
and think of where I've come from
she looks into my eyes,
she's saying "I love you, mum"
I look back and am thankful
for the people that were there
through all the hurt and shit
now I can feel their care
I see sunshine and green grass now
I see hope
I feel healthy and triumphant
not tied by a rope
I feel strong
I feel free
I am no longer trapped by what was inside
It's OK to be me.
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Now at 5:30 in the morning as I write this
Many are sleeping soundly as they should be
Now at 5:30 in the morning I will share with you
When I was 5 and gained the privilege to go play with friends
there was laughter and running, the safety of my home nearby
within sight, the only sigh was when it was time to stop playing
because I had so much fun
At 6 I went to play a game, I was glad to be wanted
in my best friends backyard while they were away
about 7 children blindfolded me and removed my clothes
decorated my bottom with flowers and pushed another boy to me
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?
At this same year the 17 year old neighbor had a car, he wanted
me to see it, while I sat in his garage in this car I heard his pleas
for
me to touch it, taste it, I tried to talk my way out of this, get on
his
good side
with words and logic as I looked at the corner of the roof of my house
outside of the car window, and the garage window and the window of my
soul
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?
15 and laughing at a party at my house everyone happy
we were safe, when a drunk uncle tries to hit on us and I
get my cousin and say Lets go, hes drunk, what a jerk
we laugh
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?
Lots of Lessons in between, Lots of Fun and Laughter
Running, Using, Denying, Soon will come Disaster
A marriage, a baby, a divorce depression maybe
Hollywood is fun and thrilling, small breaks at last
Abuser Animation Director with a PROUD FAMILY
likes to stand in stairwell corners with me looking at my chest
likes to literally force sex yeah he likes this best
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?
The baby I was pregnant with from my 2nd marriage
when I went to be morning sick, the Animator pushed me
on the floor, I stuck up for myself, I said, I will call the Police!
He left me alone, Hooray who cares if I was fired for acting weird after!
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?
Another divorce, but more creativity and experiences I was having
Sad time Happy time Mixed Up time Strong Beautiful Meaningful time
Later I would find that my beautiful boy who was with me when
the Animator pushed us on the floor
would he himself, my baby boy would be molested and I dont know by who
my 11 yr old boy has a lot of anger, he has several mental health issues
and meds
he is in treatment, he has exposed himself to other children
I fear sometimes that I will break, that maybe the devil has a special
liking to me
Where is our life headed to? where will it go?
I have learned that no matter where I am headed to I will paint it
Beautiful
I will have music with me all the time
I will be strong in whatever fashion I choose to be strong
I will LOVE my child, for without LOVE he will truly die inside and
be
Feared
I will Forgive no matter how much or little I can at a time Myself and
Others
I will wake up in the middle of the night and write a letter at 5:30
in
the morning
Marina M.
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Depression
The weight of it
is pulling me down
I can't breathe
I'm drowning in sorrow.
I can only see
what i cannot have
such as joy, happiness,
wholeness.
I know they love me
I wish I could bask in it
like the sun on a sandy beach
life-giving heat
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raped and abused and crying inside, i think the child
once inside of me died. i never lived in reality
because i just wanted to hide me.keeping all my sadness hid i couldnt
let anyone see what they did.
dont look into my face you might see,the embarssmennt written all over
me.now at 40 the scares are real,but give it to the lord he will heal.then
the pain will get lighter each day,and one of these days will
go away.then you will relize there is nothing wrong with you ,that when
your a child you cant help
what adults do.know your just as good as anyone else then maybe you
will start loving yourself.
written by linda
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The memories recently surfaced
Just about six months ago
I didn't know what was happening
Or the feelings my body let go
I was at a point in my life
Where everything was going wrong
And then one day as I watched the clouds part,
The memories, in crept upon
Like the rays that should have fallen through
Only this time there was no shine
Someone, my uncle violated me
And took this now dark soul of mine
My eyes fell open to this
As I looked from outside into a window
As I laid on my uncles twin bed
And watched my innocence go
The curtains were spread wide open
And the sun was shining through them
As if it were supposed to be a glorious day
Yet my insides were ripped from within
Like a story unfolding before me
I watched like the turn of a page
His hand ran down to my breast
Yet I didn't have them at that age
What age was I, I cannot tell you
Between 4 and 6 is all I know
I lay there in my little pink nightgown
At this man everyone loved so
Not even a man at that moment
A teen boy is how he looked
While it seems like he wanted to only lose
His virginity, while it was mine he took
Why am I looking in through a window?
Is it because I did not want to be
The child feeling this terror
The one I lost long ago, me.
After feeling his way with his fingers
With his hand, never fully grown
He decided to enter his penis
And I watched as he thrust and he moaned
By this time I'm inside this room,
Looking down from the ceiling above
While this uncle had his way with me
As I lost the true meaning of love
Did I scream or even try to fight?
At first, I did not understand
Until at once I was back in my body
And I smelled over my mouth, his hand
Was this the only time he did this?
At this time, I really don't know
Then again, do I really want to find out?
And feel pain again as they flow
These memories decide to just now appear
Shouldn't I have a choice of when to face this fear?
The ugliness that I put behind me, thanks to my brain
No I can't seem to wash it down the drain
I must face what has happened, no matter what
Will I make it through this, or will I just give up and die
Why can't I just shut my self into my own little world
Where no one can enter, where I can just hide
I've been told I'm a survivor
A survivor of what?
I can't even handle these feelings
Even from the ones that I remember as I continue growing up.
I was 13 years old, enjoying my own little rebellion
When I'm sent to a town to live safely with my aunt.
And I meet this nice boy, or so at the time I thought.
Until he decides to show me how much he can flaunt
We're alone for the first time and I'm so nervous
Never having been with anyone, of course I had forgotten this
He tries to make a move, wait, he's going to far
Now again, I am going through this ugly abyss.
He did not get what he wanted, although not for lack of trying
He threw me to the ground and told me I accept
That he was going to do this to me, no matter what I said
Until I kicked him in the balls and ran away as he wept.
Never told anyone about this, until almost 2 years from then
When I ended up losing my virginity again
Like before, I didn't want it, like before he didn't care
It was a different man this time, with a greed behind his stare
This time I was not able to fight back and run
I had to stay and let this man do what he came for
While his wife slept in a different room
The same name as the guy 2 years before
It was my fault, I was drinking, I should never have stayed there,
But I thought since I was at a friend's house, I thought I would be ok
Until his older brother caught me in the middle of the night
And showed me why I shouldn't have stayed.
I got up to drink some water and he was there on the couch
I was shocked to see him still awake as the rest of us were not
When he saw me, he kissed me and I tried to push him off
Until he laid me on the floor and on top of me he got.
He was older, 26 and in the army, what a shame
I was only 14years old and I knew I lost this game
He kept telling me I like it, I kept telling him to stop
He said I enjoyed his big one, I told him that I did not
Once he finished he laid back down, leaving me to fend for myself
I got up and drank my water and just went back to bed
I was scared to say anything
To the woman that he wed
The next day, I spent two hours, with his wife at the store
I was afraid to go straight home for fear that she would notice
That something was really wrong
And ultimately blame me for this
I was scared to tell my mother, once I finally went home
If she knew that I had been drinking, she would blame me
She would think it was my fault
She would not be able to see
So I told my friend who also was a friend of my mother's
Make her keep it a secret, knowing for her it would be hard
I was afraid I may have gotten pregnant, or had caught some weird disease
I had never had sex before this, or so I thought with disregard.
We took this man to court, when my mom finally found out
He pleaded "no contest" doesn't that mean he's guilty
I was told not to go near his house and he got probation
Even then he wasn't charged for rape, only for assaulting me
I moved on with my life, which is short yet very long
So much stuff has happened since then, never thinking anything was wrong
I got pregnant when I was 15 and had my baby a year after
I met my husband while I was pregnant, and now our marriage is a disaster
As I watched my daughter was taken away from me by my father
Screwed again, by another man, why the hell do I even bother
Married young and had more children, never realizing at all.
That I've not been able to show love, now I'm taking a hard fall.
My husband suffers because of me and feels like being suicidal
Only our kids to keep us afloat and remind us of our bridal
Commitment to each other and the children we now see
Running around before us, just as innocent as can be
Now I have to deal with this terror, having put it six months ago behind
Due to other arising problems, that have left us in a bind
Now my marriage is a mess and I have once again
been left with the decision to heal if I want to keep my kin
He does not know that I love him
Although I can see why
I have never showed him emotion
I can't even try to cry
I have told my father the truth
About this memory I had
He told me he would support me
Then he turned around and got mad
My mom now knows about my uncle
I just broke her heart I know
Where was she while this was happening?
How could this uncle have done so
How she loves me, my mom tells me
How she'll always be there for me
How she feels extremely guilty
That she could not protect me
Mom it's not your fault, I tell her,
Mommy you never did know
If you had you would have killed him
Just as you always told me so
Daddy does not believe me
Mommy can you call him please
Although I think it's his new wife
That refuses to let him see
Husband thank you for being there
Helping me to get through this
As I'm trying to float above water
And I'm trying to beat this
So far now, I feel so ugly
Although I know it was not my fault
I feel dirty and ashamed
Why didn't I remember sooner, I thought
I'm depressed and suicidal.
With my kids keeping me alive
If it weren't for those precious faces
I'd have gone to take a dive
Into the oceans of hell
Into the flames that I know so well
From the way I've always felt
Never having to have dealt
With these emotions running strong
Why is this taking so long?
How do I go through these stages?
Why is my depression contagious?
I will now end this long poem.
Cannot see from what this stems
Only that I wait for night
So I no longer have to fight
Get in touch with your inner child
How when I have gone so wild
I can't take back the things I've lost
I'm just waiting for the frost
To slowly melt away
Like I'm told may happen someday
I don't even deserve to heal
Please tell me what is the big deal
Can't I keep living my life numb.
Just because I feel so dumb.
Does not mean there's a problem there
Only that I don't have to care
Why can't I keep up these walls
That have since protected me
Why must I be vulnerable?
Why must I have to believe?
I know why, it's all because, my family deserves the best
And if it weren't for my kids, I'd have long ago failed this test
I have rewards out there to reap, the worst is over isn't it?
Who knows, I'm only beginning to deal with this shit.
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