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I Was 10
No Answers
It's Not Easy
Mask
Each Little Baby
THE LITTLE GIRL IN ME
A FIGHT I WILL WIN
Being
I AM NOT TO BLAME
Little Girl
Emptiness
THE ME IN THEM
Do I Dare
Hands
I remember the confusion most.
The first time, I didn't understand
what was happening.
10 was still very innocent then.
That summer everything changed.
I was forced to abandon childhood.
The first time she touched me
I didn't know how to react.
I knew grown ups weren't supposed to touch there.
But she wasn't a grown up.
She was my babysitter.
I knew it was wrong
but was too scared to say stop.
I was too ashamed to tell anyone.
Now the shame is gone
but the fear and the secret lives.
Sometimes when I'm back in that room, my room
I can still smell her vile breath
and feel her on my skin.
It makes me shiver.
As I fall asleep
I can hear her frantic whispers and moans
as her lips press against mine.
I can still feel her weight on top of me,
her strong arms holding me down.
She called me her lover.
I didn't know what a lover was.
I am still afraid to be a lover again.
I don't have all the answers,
I don't think i want them either,
it would take all the fun out of any naivety i have left,
Not much thanks to this cruel world
but there is still innocence there.
I have a free independence but it is caged,
Caged and bound by those who hurt me,
I wonder if i will reach my full potential
before someone nips me in the bud - for good.
So hurt, so broken,
A rock where there was once a throbbing, compassionate heart,
I don't think there is enough glue in this world
to fix me.
Never anything solid, safe or secure,
Just me and that's not much.
I really don't want all the answers,
It would be no fun,
I would just like to know
Why it is me that you hurt?
Sarah
IT'S NOT EASY
it's not easy to say i tried,
to protect my temple once filled with pride,
the edges that once gleamed,
and fought to hold my bubbling self esteem,
are now in a million pieces,
shattered, bruised, torn and battered.
it's not easy to say he cared,
he threw away the trust and love we once shared,
they all flooded in, ready to help,
yet none of them could understand how i really felt,
they peeled each layer away,
until i had no hiding spot, no longer could i stay.
it's not easy to say those days are gone,
but slowly and painfully i'm moving on,
those dreams and nightmares are a thing of the past,
helping me to realise his love was never meant to last.
it's not easy to say i tried,
but now i'm happy with my regained pride,
my temple has been repaired, and i no longer feel scared,
i'm proud to say i've hung in there,
through all the worries, and despite the fear.
Amie
Mask
The face you see
is not of me
only small pieces
of who I use to be
emotionless lies
which pollutes the skies
distorting all those who view
deceived again
by another friend
an empty smile
deception gone wild
to eradicate the truth Inside
Mysterious
Fear
Like an unlearned child
You look at me
But knowing my soul
Only causes more trembling
You said you wanted to know
You asked me how to show you
Then you pulled me away
Recoiling in confusion
The horror of honesty
By what you had seen
Which was better?
The fear of what was imagined
Or the nightmarish reality
Of what was confimed
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Each little baby born on this earth
is given with promise of life filled with mirth.
The purest of faith in each tiny heart
trusts they’ll be loved right from the start.
But mommies and daddies sometimes don’t agree
and babies are hurt as no baby should be.
And sometimes things get so terribly bad
babies are sent from their mom and their dad.
They’re sent to a home where it’s hoped they’ll be
loved,
encouraged, and nurtured, and highly thought of.
But this isn’t the way things turn out to be.
They’re hurt with parents ignoring their pleas.
“Mommy, don’t leave me alone with that man.
He hurts me so bad and I can’t understand
why you still leave me alone in his care.”
But you go out the door just leaving me there.
As soon as you’re gone he grabs my small hand
and forces me down to the nursery, and then
he takes off my clothes and pleases himself
while my mind puts the pain away on a shelf
The mind of a child is a marvelous thing.
It protects her small soul and calls her to sing
of the love of a Savior. She can’t understand
how Jesus can let her be hurt by this man.
She has these compartments built in her head
where bad things all go, so she has joy instead.
But bad things don’t stay there, they want to come out
and one day she goes crazy and starts in to shout…
“Why, tell me why, did these things have to be?
Why did you let these things happen to me?”
She cries out to mommy and cries out to God.
The pain’s so intense that she breaks down and sobs.
“Please, God, oh please let me rest in your arms.
Let me come to Your home where there’ll be no more harm.
Where Abba can love me and hold me and then
wipe away all my tears with His gentle, sweet hand.”
But You told me my work isn’t done in this world.
You need someone here for the poor boys and girls
with no one to love them and see that they’re fed,
and clothed, and housed, and put into bed
with no fear…
of tomorrow and what it will bring.
You need someone to love them and teach them to sing
the song of a Savior who holds every tear
and loves all the children year after year.
You still hold me and love me, God, and when I fall
apart because something makes no sense at all,
You’re there to reach out and take hold of my hand.
You help me to get back on my feet and to stand.
You remind me that babies are born on this earth
with the purest of faith for a life filled with mirth.
And when mommies and daddies just can’t understand
Jesus is there to hold onto their hands.
“Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…
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Unable to breath the peace and joy that God has woven
into you're soul,
You cry, scream and demand answers to the abuse that has taken it's
toll.
I kept you as safe as I only knew how,
I cringe and wince feeling the scars left in you now.
My girl, you didn't deserve all the abuse and to not be loved,
They damaged your soul with a smile and then they just shrugged.
How could evil take over such a precious innocent lamb?
It puzzles me today God, I needed your hand.
Protection from the "blackness" was to become part of the walls,
Being small, created a cover to protect you from all.
That same cover has locked you inside a prison of shame,
You're scared and alone waiting for answers that never came.
They were all bad, they did evil bad things,
Just like scorpions all around you, you took all of their stings.
No one loved you, just I... and I couldn't protect you, or we'd die.
I tried to be strong so I could save you one day,
You are safe now my child, with me you will stay.
I will give you the love that you never embraced,
We will play and have fun, ugly past we'll erase.
A blank stoned faced look as they raised their voice to shout,
But now you can cry when the tears need to come out.
My child, laugh, smile, and cry anytime at all,
Get angry, face the demons, climb out from that wall!
I will embrace you and sing to you as mothers do,
You're my precious child, and I'll forever take care of you.
Sleep well tonight little girl,
We've a big day tommorrow,
Rebuilding our life and letting go of the sorrow.
I love you little girl in me...
Tauna TaunaMarie
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A FIGHT I WILL WIN
I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE
WITH ALL THE DECEIT THAT HAS GONE ON BEFORE
ALONE EACH NIGHT,MY TEARS FLOW FREE
AN END TO MY SADNESS I CANNOT SEE
WITH EACH NEW DAY, I TRY ONCE MORE
I WONDER WHY,I ASK WHAT FOR?
THE PAST WONT CHANGE,WHATS DONE IS DONE
BUT I MUST KEEP GOING FOR MY SON
HE DESERVES THE LOVE THAT IVE NEVER KNOWN
I CANNOT LEAVE HIM ALL ALONE
SO EACH NEW MORNING I AWAKE
AND PUT ON A SMILE FOR MY SONS SAKE
ILL LOOK TO MY FUTURE,NOT DWELL ON MY PAST
I DESERVE HAPPINESS, I CAN SEE THAT AT LAST
I TELL MYSELF THIS,BUT SOMETIMES ITS HARD
MY HEART HAS BEEN SO DEEPLY SCARRED
>AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL,THERE MUST BE A LIGHT
>SO EVERYDAY I CONTINUE TO FIGHT
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Being
I hate me. For 'being'.
how stupid to exist as an object
not owned
by me
but by you.
Only 5 when it started.
so young, so early on
but i knew,
it was wrong
oh, i knew.
So glad to get away from him.
safe at home, not alone.
so no one knew
course, in years to come
they asked
i lied.
So safe at home. Forget him thought i.
so i tried and i did but neva did it go
..away, always there and then-
another, mum's boyfriend
cruel is the fate
that lead him here..
to me.
endured it i did.
for my mother's sake i must
carry on, be as normal
as permitted, i
held on
ready to die.
And when he left so great was my relief,
but held i still, onto the belief that
best not known
my suffering pain,
he caused me
then.
Then fate ruined me, for
it threw him back to me again.
now so alone, always so cold.
now he has fun, he
taunts and
he plays.
So tired of threats and the constant misuse
of my body but so scared, what if
people found out, how dirty i would look
to them, thought a liar,
how he laughs
roars.
Just 15 now, in my 'prime'
my body he enjoys. Worships.
i disgust myself and all i want
is to die, not much
but so selish when i deserve
but what i'm given.
His hands so big, so large, so rough.
he drools he teases and he kills me
systematically as he --------
how much have i lost of my life?
what i'd give to have
it back.
I AM NOT TO
BLAME
I AM NOT TO BLAME
Lies upon lies, nothing makes sense
My whole life has been a pretence
What Ive been taught has all been wrong
Theres no place where I feel I belong
Cant let anyone in, must keep up my guard
I feel so alone why must life be so hard?
since I was a child,I have lived in fear
I don't understand why I was put here
My whole life has been suffering and pain
Why did they do it? What did they gain?
All I wanted was for someone to care
To love me and hold me and just be there
Wipe away my tears, and hear someone say
From all this misery let me take you away
It's too late now, that was just my hope
Now 20 years on I'm trying to cope
I wish I had never broken my silence
telling of sexual abuse and the violence
I have to live now with all the shame
But I will no longer take the blame
It isn't me whos done anything wrong
I have taken the blame for much too long
Now my parents must face what they have done
They ruined their child, so innocent and young
For all these years, I've wondered why me?
I thought I was evil, but now I can see
They were the evil ones, I was not bad
I'll give my son the love I never had
Joanna
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LittleGirl
Little Girl
Raindrop
Tear
Cold wind
Fear
Grey sky
Sad
Thunderstorm
Mad
Empty inside
Cold outside
Little girl don't cry,
I won't ever say good-bye.
A pat on the head for learning so well,
Surviving through all the pain and hell.
Alone you and I,
Breaking free - oh how we try.
Little girl don't crumble yet,
There's a need that has to be met.
It will come,
I know it will,
Shhh - hold real still.
Pull the evil out-
Let pain flow - Pain, Pain, Pain.
By Tauna Santas 2000
Tauna
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Emptiness
Content moments
Sleepless nights
Tearful or joyous
Which one is right?
Love me thoroughly
Or make me bleed
I don't know which one I need.
I crave something
I don't know what
I'm all alone
The doors are shut.
Singing softly in the rain
Makes me wonder why I feel shame.
By Tauna Santas 2000
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THE ME IN
THEM
THE ME IN THEM
ONE BY ONE THEIR STORIES SCROLLED,
WHILE MUSIC SPOKE OF WORDS UNTOLD.
FACELESS VISIONS OF ACHING SOULS,
LONGING TO MEND THE PAIN OF OLD.
"HELP ME RID THE SHAME, "ONE WROTE,
"FOR I CAN'T BEAR IT ANY LONGER.
CAST ME JUST A SHREAD OF HOPE,
THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY I'LL GROW STRONGER."
TALES OF FATHERS, UNCLES, TEACHERS, PREACHERS,
AND THE TITLES THEY FORSAKE,
TO STEAL THE RIGHTFUL JOYS OF CHILDHOOD,
STREAMS OF TEARS LEFT IN THEIR WAKE.
AM I GOOD OR AM I BAD?
THE ETERNAL QUESTION IN THE MIND,
OF EVERY CHILD WHOS HURT RUNS DEEP.
THE ANSWER THEY MUST DARE TO FIND.
SOOTHE MY TREMBLING FRAGILE CHILD,
HIDING WHERE THE GHOSTS ABOUND.
LET ME GLIMPSE THE DISTANT LIGHT,
LET ME WISH WHAT MAY BE FOUND.
KINDNESS, LOVE, AND WARM EMBRACES,
NEVER SADNESS OR DESPAIR.
CHILDRENS' LAUGHTER ALL CONSUMING,
SIGNS OF SAFETY EVERYWHERE.
Mimi
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Do I Dare
Do I Dare
Do I dare surrender
The fears I harbor in my soul?
The painful memories I remember
Of sacred times so long ago.
When eyes that wept
and lips that pled
hid neatly out of sight.
And ghosts of waking hours,
abided in the night.
With morning came a ray of hope
The journey would be sweet,
I trudged to reach the distant castle
with calluses on my feet
The castle door closed fast behind me
and with nowhere else to go,
I knew my fate was forever sealed,
So no one would ever know.
As court convened, the king and queen,
did lead the blind procession,
of children who, unknowingly,
became their prized possession.
At day's end the king ascended
to deliver his admonition.
That safety was his promised gift
for maintaining "our" position.
As the years passed
My castled slowly crumbled to the ground.
Amongst the ruins I searched in vain,
But shame is all I found.
So do I dare surrender
the fears I harbor in my soul?
The painful memories I remember
Of sacred times so long ago..
Mimi
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Hands,
hands everywhere
whispered words and mutted threats,
taking away my innocence,
breaking me in slowly,
like a wolf,
silently closing in,
on its cornered prey,
like a sour lollie,
the after taste is more bitter,
than the inital act,
does he know what he did was wrong,
or is he more insane,
than i have become.
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