Susan Smiles

PenPals


WELCOME to my Penpals Page. As  survivors of abuse, we tend to think that we are the only ones who have been abused. I have learned that is FAR from true. If you would like someone to correspond with, someone who was abused too, please send me an email. I will post it here. You do not have to use your name if you don't want to, just tell me not to. If you would like to share your story with us, that would be GREAT.It empowers us to finally break the secrecy. After all, WE DID NOTHING WRONG!!!

OK Guys, here is my story.

Just like yours, it is not easy to tell. I was abused by a member of clergy right in my own home.
My parents would invite him over for dinner. After we ate, he would offer to "say my prayers" before bedtime. He would abuse me right in my bedroom. I could hear my parents watching TV. I screamed the Silent Scream, but it was useless. I was 11 years old. My abuse lasted about a year. The flashbacks have eased up a bit now.My father is an alcoholic, so I was abused verbally and mentally also. I tried suicide twice before I was 16 years old. I have been in therapy for 6 years now. It does help! I still suffer from severe depression even though I am on medication. I would LOVE to talk to anyone out there who has been traumatized by abuse. I have decided to empower myself and speak out. I will NEVER let abusers have their silence again.
Susan

 

From Debbie

my name is debbie,i'm 41 and feel as though i'm 80. my bones are tired my muscles are weak. my abuse started about age 4 and continued till i was 19.in 1998 i had a nervous breakdown and the secrets fell out all around me,i am on the road to healing but am wearing out. i'm just looking for a friend who will believe in me and my recovery.

From Lisa

Hi I'm Lisa and I could really use a penal.
I was about 4 when the abuse started at least that is the earliest I can remember. There are flash backs that I get but I only remember bits and pieces before 4. my step father started by touching and it progressed from there. My mom was never home. When she wasn't working she was at bingo. when I tried to refuse he made life hell for me. I was not aloud to have friends over and he said he had better never here of me talking to a boy. He emotionally abused me as well. This went on until I was sixteen. I moved in with my aunt than. My mother stayed with him I don't think she believed me. She said she did but if that were true how could she stay with him? I know this may seem a little jumbled but I still to this day get very emotional when I talk about it. I am not 31 and I have 3 children of my own. I have a very hard time trusting anyone. My kids don't understand why im so protective. I never pressed charges. We went to child protective services, but as they were investigating it my mom talked me into saying it never happened, that I had lied. She said that if I didn't she would get into trouble and I didn't want that. At 16 what did I know? Well, I guess that is all I will say for now. If you want to talk sometimes that would be great.

From Diana

Hello. I'm Diana, a first time visitor to your amazing site.

I would like a penpal, someone who is like me (never have I thought there were so many of us!). If you would help me out I will be forever greatful.

I believe there is more to my story than what folllows. I'll call this my jumping off point....

I can't really be sure when "my story" began, but i do know it was before the age of five. I am 20 years old now and struggling like so many of us do. I was a little girl when my cousin started hurting me, I'm guessing about three years old. It went from talking to touching to oral/vaginal/anal sex, while others were forced to watch, and continued for about five years. Overlapping this, a man living with my family started this as well. At age 15 I was hurt again by a friend's friend, to which I did not press charges. There were also incidents with others such as uncles, friends of my fathers, and a teacher. Through all this there was my alcoholic father.

This is all I am able to write, I'm sorry. The wound is still raw and I just can't. I would really like a pen pal. I'm not quite sure how this works so I'll give you my email address... Diana_

From Linda

Hi. How to start? (I’ve just got to get past this first line!) There, I’ve done it!

My story begins when I was a small child. By the age of 4, I knew to listen for my father’s footsteps coming towards my room to tuck me into bed at night. I learned young how to cope with ‘Daddy’s game’. Many a night I spent having a tea party in my mind while we played his game.

I don’t know what to say. My father abused me for most of childhood. He made me feel special and dirty and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes I secretly yearned for his attention. Always my skin crawled as he touched me and my mind and my emotions ‘left’ as I touched him.

As I write this, I’m stepping so far away from it that once again it seems like it happened to another person and not to me. I became so adept at distancing myself from his abuse as a child that as an adult it’s difficult to stay present long enough to talk about what he did. I feel as if it happened to someone else and my mind took a video of it for me to take out and look at it from a safer distance.

My father first raped me when I was 8 years old. The abuse ended when I was 13. No one in my family believes that my father could do such a horrendous thing. After all, he’s always been ‘so disgusted’ by child molesters. And he’s always so insistent that his girls be modest in his presence. How could such a man ever, ever molest one of his own children?

And the fact that I repressed the memories of my abuse for years only adds to my family’s disbelief. They don’t want to accept the awful truth about the man they love. They would rather believe that somehow, Linda’s psychological and emotional problems come form some other unknown and less threatening reason. I’m the ‘sick’ one in the family who needs to be treated with kid gloves lest I slip off the edge of sanity never to return again.

It’s so ironic that they all feel that they need to be careful of me and protect me as an adult. For so many years, when I really needed protection, no one was there to help me. I had to learn to help myself. I learned how to protect myself as a child and in the process I became stronger than anyone realizes. I survived.

Today I still struggle with self-esteem issues, depression, anxiety, and an inability to maintain close relationships. I say I ‘struggle’. I am not defeated. I grow slowly and heal one step at a time. Life is good some days and not so good others. What’s important to me is that I continue growing and that I remember to be good to me.

We all need that self care. That positive self love. The child in each of us was devastated and we, as adults are the only ones that can bring our inner selves out of the shadows and into the light. One, gentle, self-caring step at a time.

Linda J

From "Hurt and Lonely"

I am a 39yr old woman who was abused by her adoptive father,and his evil and vile family,the whole family was of a criminal society, this went on for 13yrs+.I lived with a mentally abusive husband for 13yrs. I ran away from home and abandoned my children to get away from him. My children are well taken care of,although I have not seen them for 10yrs. right now I'm a recovering addict. I'm trying to learn how to forgive the abuses in my life,so I can enpower my life and move on,or am I destand to a lonely and insecure life?I was a military wife for 16 years,I've been married twice.I have alot of baggage in my life.I live with my parents {not good!} because I don't have all the skills I need to make it on my own,even though I'm making progress in my life,I tend to hit brick walls,and for everystep for ward, I get knocked back two step.I just keep telling myself I'm down but not out! I'm a fighter,and I know my best revenge is to s! ucceed. so if anyone out there has been through or is going through something simular please write to hurt and lonely.Thank-you and have a nice day!

From Toni

Firstly, I come from a very loving, close family and to this day my Mum is my best friend and I can talk to my dad about just about anything because he is so open minded.
My first recollection of any abuse was when I was either 5 or 6, I climbed into bed with my dad one night to give him a good night kiss and hug, he grabbed my hand and said feel this, I pulled away and when he kissed me good night he slipped his tongue in. I remember my mum asking me if anything was wrong when she came to my room to say good-night; of course I told her there nothing was. Within about the next 12 months I think, my parents split up and mum, myself and my 2 brothers moved. My dad would come around every so often for a visit and I remember my mum saying to go and give dad a hug. I never wanted to.
They must have got back together soon after that because not long after we all moved to a new town. I don't recall anything else until I was about 10. I had started to bud breasts and when mum was at work, she did shift work, he would try to touch me and kiss me all the time. I hated him. I dreaded nights that my mum worked, I couldn't even lock my bedroom door. Friends would come and stay over and he started touching them too. It got to the stage where they wouldn't want to stay over and for that reason I didn't want them to either. A couple of years later my parents seperated, to be divorced, I couldn't wait for him to leave. My brothers and I would go for weekend visits, but I would never go without my brothers. One weekend I refused to go and got so upset, my brothers didn't know what was going on and kept having a go at me for not wanting to go with them. I eventually told my mum that he had been touching me and that I wasn't going with him. My mum told my brothers later on what had been happening and they didn't believe a word of it.
Mum remarried a couple of years later and I didn't get on with her new husband at all. I started rebelling, running away and staying with boyfriends, drinking, smoking, not caring about school or what anyone thought of me.Eventually I moved out to live with my dad, I didn't want to live with him, but I didn't want to live with my mum and stepfather either, I at least knew I would be able to do pretty much what I wanted living with my dad as he was never home, he was always at work during the day and then at the pub till all hours of the night. He kept coming into my room at nights and making advances towards me and telling me what he wanted to do to me, but still I didn't leave. One night some friends and I went on a drinking binge and I got so wiped out I couldn't even lay straight let alone stand up. One of my friends who had not drunk so much, phoned my dad (at the pub) to come and pick my friend up from where we were. We had thrown up all over our selves by this time. He put us in the car and took us home where he dumped us in the bottom of the shower and washed us off. The only thing I remember after that was him with his fingers inside me and I was to damn drunk to even be able to push him away. Shortly after this incident I moved back in with my mum and proceeded to pull my act together.
To this day I still don't like to be alone with him, as I know he will try to look at or touch my breasts and slip a tongue in when he kisses me good-bye. But unlike most survivors I don't hate him, even though I feel I should. Is that wrong, does that make me a bad person? I have been married for nearly 7 years to a wonderful man I have been with for 10 years, we have 2 wonderful children aged 5 & 3 but I fear for my marriage as I never want any physical contact with my husband, especially making love. I don't know if my abuse is the cause of this or something else. I am also on medication for severe depression (the medication is controlling it well). Has anyone got any answers or even suggestions because my marriage and kids' happiness is so important to me.
Toni

From Dawn

Hi!Just wondering if you can add me to your penpal page so that i can get some support for all the sexual abuse that i went through as a child. Life is hard trying to raise my three sons and yet having so much trouble with the male gender. Anyway my name is Dawn. Thank you so much for having a web site where people can go to for support!

From Cheri

I'm 32 year old. I've been involved in incest with my father since I was
about 3 to the age of 12, it ended finally when my father lost his life in a
car accident. I didn't cry at his funeral. I've tried to tell my mom, but
she keeps denying it, saying I must be confusing reality with fantasy. I've
been to concelling and I am married and a mother to a wonderful five year
old girl. I would like to write to others and share experiences.
Cheri.


From Flora

Hi my name is Flora I'm 26 years old I was sexually abused by my brother I was about 7 or 8 years old he was much older.I can only remember bits and pieces of it I remember he always babysat me when my parents weren't home I remember running chasing my parents down our drive way crying I remember being so scared of him It was always in his room he would tell me to go wait there for him I would go to his room crying he would come take only my pants and panties off and he had a bottle of lotion under his mattress first he would touch my privates than he wolud kiss me than get the lotion and put it on his penis than I think you could imagine the rest.I know it happened more than once what i'm telling you now is the only thing I remember clearly I remember other stuff but not that much.I wake up with nightmares like 2 times a week it seems like I wake up thinking about this and go to sleep th! inking about this.My brother is dead now he committed suicide about 11 years ago.I told my mother and sister about it 4 years ago my mom didn't believe me but my sister did.Sometimes i'm glad he's dead but for my mom and dad's sake I wish he wasn't.Is it bad to think like that?I'm so glad I found this website I need to talk to other people like me.Thanks for listening I feel so much better

Flora

From Mary

I would love to have a penpal. I am 24yrs old, married and scared. I was raped when I was 2 and a half which lasted until I was about four. Then I was molested at the age of about six until I was about eight. My dad got abusive when I was about nine, mentally and physically. It is funny how I can remember all that that took place so many years ago and not remember what someone says to me a second later. I do not work, I stay in my apartment. I am so scared of people, when someone knocks on my door I run to the back of the apartment. If my husband is here, he comes to the room I am in to let me know that they are gone. I have seen a therapist many of them ,but none has yet helped. It hurts my husband to see me like this. He has suggested for me to take these men to court, but I don't want my family to hate me. I don't know what to do. My husband has moved me a few states away from my family, hoping it would help me. My husband is a kind, loving and caring person. And he wants to help me so bad. But, I am scared to leave my home. It has gotten so bad that when I do watch t.v. I turn the volume down so low so no one outside will know I am home. I just sit here with my heart pounding so fast and hard it scares me. I don't want to be posted on the internet. But if you want to be my penpal, I would be thankful for it. If you would like to know my full story just let me know.

Thank you, Mary

 

From Miriam

hello everyone,
My name is Miriam and I am 42 years old. I was abused when I was a baby. My mother abonded me when I was 2 days old, a policeman has found me. He couldn't find my mother, so I was taken to the children's home in Kaloon.
The matron has physically and mentally abused me. I didn't have a bed to sleep on, nor did I have the toy to play with. I got used to being in the dark, so I didn't know any day light. Didn't meet anybody from outside.
I didn't have any fresh food or water, so I ended up eating stale food. Didn't play with other children, wasn't allowed. Maybe because of my disabilties. I had polio when I was 9 months old, so it was very hard for me.
At the age of 7, I was adopted by two couple from England. I didn't know what was happening to me, as I never been on the plane before.
When arrived in England, the couple met me and I constantly cried and cried, because I didn't know what was going on.
My mother and father took me to Royal Free Hospital in London, to be checked. I just screamed and screamed. They had to bring a chinese woman to communicate with me, but I didn't understand what they were saying.
The consultant was very shocked what they saw, where I had the operations on both legs, my scars was very sore and red, he couldn't believed how much cut and bruises I had on my body, my parent was really shocked as well.
I went to my mums school, I had a lots of problems because I couldn't communicate with anybody at school. I used to tear the books up and smashing everything up in school, because I was fustrated, didn't speak any English, so it was very hard for me.
The only person who could speak my language was my father, because he has been going to evening class, learning to speak chinese.
Cutting the story short, I am happily married to Roger and we both got lovely two children. Laura who is 14 and Matthew who is 10.
It has taken me 30 years to accept what has happened to me. I always thought it was my fault and kept blaming myself. If I get down, I used to go in the toilet and locked the door, I literally scratch my arms till it bleed.
I was crying for help, since I had my son, I was so down, couldn't playe with him, couldn't love anyone because I wasn't shown love.
Even my husband cuddle me, I just shiver because I felt so trap, now that I've been counselling, everything has changed. I know you will get there, it is worth it.
If anyone want to write to me, your very welcome. It is supporting each other and understanding what its like being abuse. Talking to people, who doesn't understand about abuse, its very well for them to forget it, but you are scared for life. You try to live a normal life, what is normal?
I have two children and I am so scared for them, especially for my daughter, because being a girl, I worry sick, some of you must feel the same as I am.
If you want to write to me, my email address is: lamkiufan@hotmail.com
Thank you for listening to me, thought you might like to hear my story. All the best to you all. Be strong, nobody can hurt you now. Show people how strong we are because I know we all get through it. All the best to you all.

Miriam

From Ann


i stumbled across your site 3 months and today is the first time i am about to write to you and hopefully to receive a few reply from some of the penpals you have on your site.
i'm 28 this year and have wished most of my life away hoping to die. I was abused by my stepfather for 8 years i believe from the age of 8 or so and have only just notice why i was always getting angry and depressed, cause i have this monster in me that wants to get out
i'm still finding life a struggle, yet i should be so lucky that i have 3 beautiful girls and a wonderful caring husband, but like most of us it doesn't heal the pain.

Please could you help me to start healing the pain by forwarding any people that would like to have me as their friend from a very lonely little girl. Ann

From Tammie

We need to reassure each other that this is truly not our faults and we might not be able to change the past,but we can sure change the future!!And if there is one thing we got out of it,it's tha ability to make sure it doesn't happen to our children.
I have two teenage children and John,who is seven years younger than me,has two young boys.I love children...I just lack the ability to tell them so.Because of this,my children have not known love like they should.I am far too overprotective.I am the kind of mom who attended all their games(my mom and dad didn't)I even coached them.I was the cool mom to all their friends...but we cannot have those heart to heart talks like some families do. You can read Tammie's entire story here.
I would love to hear from someone who has these things in common with me....
Tammie

From Jade

Dear susan,
I am a 20 year old alcoholic and survivor of childhood sexual abuse. That was one of the hardest things I have ever written. I would like some one who I could talk to, so that I can start dealing with all of this in a posotive way. I have been covering my pain with drugs and alcohol for about 7 years now, and I cant do it anymore. I think I am finally strong enough to try talking. I came here rather than to a councellor, because though I know I shouldn't feel shame, I do, and cant talk about this face to face. This seems the best way to confront things so I can begin recovering. I would greatly appreciate a pen pal. Thank you
Jade

 

From Vicky

My name is Vicky Harris. I'm 48. My mother started sexually abusing me when i was 8. I would like a penpal. I'm still having problems. Thanks and God Bless You. Vicky

From Misty

Hello Susan.I was just wondering if I could be added on to the pen pal page.I would like to have some one I could talk to about what has happened tome.My dear husband just can't listen right now. He is still dealing with his own issues from his past.And to hear the pain it has caused me causes him pain.It hurts him to know that poeple have hurt me.He wnts to listen and wishes he could but for now it is just to hard for him.I understand him.I hope I'm not annoying you or anything.I seem to always think I get on peoples nerves. I have no one to talk to.I don't have any friends.And I don't want to put my mother in more pain than she has already suffered.If I could just find some one to talk to I might feel better.I'm also a great listener.I'm always willing to listen.Maybe I can help some one just listening to what they need to say and make a friend in the process.

Thanks Misty

 

From Katie

Last week, I went through my third divorce. I suffer from severe depression. I am in therapy. I have only recently heard the term "inner child". My therapist says that I have never dealt with the abuse I suffered in my childhood, nor the death of my mother when I was 10. I am trying,
now, to get through the muddle of all these things. It is a dark and confusing trip. I would like to hear from some of you that have already been there and are on the other side. Was it a difficult trip? What is your life like now? Was it worth it, dredging up all the old and buried memories again? I'm not sure I really want to go through the whole thing. I'd love to hear from some
others. Katie Scarlett

From Desiree


I am 35 years old and started counseling for child sexual abuse about 6 months ago. I have always felt I remembered everything that happened to me. I had been abused from the age of 8 to 13. However, I am now having very strong experiences suggesting something terrible happened to me when I was as young as 3 years old. I am afraid and I feel so fragile that I can break at any moment. I never have cultivated any close friends and my husband can not deal with talking to me about anything. The only support I have is from my therapist. Right now I feel that it is not enough. Do you know about any pen pal or free support groups I can join online? I thought your web page was beautiful. thank-you for having it. Just seeing the picture of the beautiful child and reading what you wrote helped me a little. Sincerely, Desiree'


From Debbie

I am 38 years old and cannot contact my family because my mother does not believe me and my younger sister about what I finally told her about in recent years - about what happened to us all those years ago with our older brother and mum's boyfriend. (One of many boyfriends) She blames us for our brother having to be in Australia and I feel I now have no-one. My younger sister and I grew up in sheer hell. I absolutely hate and despise my mother now. In fact all this has brought even more memories back for me. I feel so lonely. I shouldn't because I am married with 2 beautiful children. I think it is just Christmas time looming and everyone asks what are you doing with your family on that day. I scream inside because I can't tell them why I don't have anything to do with them. Instead I smile and holdback all the tears. Even after all this time. So hello. I have no idea what you have been through, but I think I just need
to get help putting all this stuff out the window. Sorry about this, but there's not a whole lot of people one can turn to. Debbie.

 

From Anonymous

Hi my name is **** please dont use unless you have to. I am 41 and just last month started counsiling to adress my abuse. I have felt lost for so long an even though i've decided to do something about it I think that if i had a penpal I could talk to that knows what it was like it would help in my recovery. If you can help connect me to this I would greatly appreciate it you can contact me at my email if you want more information. Contact



From Mary

i was 7years old and had just met my half-brother for the first time.he was great buying me sweets,playing games with me,and making me feel extra special.then it started,i used to always sit on his knee because i loved him so much and loved the attention he gave me(i was the youngest of 3).he was 19years old,my mums son from her first marriage.he started by tickling me then it progressed to him coming into my room at night to play"our secret special game"there wasn't anything he didn't do to me sexually,thia went on for 4 years when i eventually told my mum(she noticed the way i started to shy away from him)her reaction was to give him money to leave to go to my uncle in Australia and not return.i was told not to tell my dad as this would break up the family and it would be my fault.i was always a daddy's girl and my dad was the best in the world so kind and gentle and i didn't want to lose him so i never said anything to anyone.i'm 31years old now married with two kids(girl13 andboy11)i can't say i'm happy because i can't remember what happiness is.i love my kids with all my heart and i'm very protective of them,my husband is a good man and he is the only person i have ever told about the abuse but he doesn't fully understand.i don't suppose you can understand unless it has happened to you,can you? if anyone is interested in contacting me i would like that very much. from Mary


From Denise

I'm so glad i found your web site and pen pals page. I feel so alone and isolated. I am at a real turning point in my life,my fear is that i will lose the way again and give in to my despair My story is this,i'm a single mum,two beautiful angels, 6yrs and 14yrs.In july of this year i will be the state's chief witness in a trail against my father. He physically mentally and sexually abused me as a child.
I grew up in a house where there was no stability. My father was relentless in his desire to control.
My mum dropped dead five years ago,a week before she was due to be legally seperated from him.
I feel as though my whole life has been one very long bad dream.I know that if it weren't for my girls i wouldn't want to be alive. I live in a very small town in ireland (pop.3000),and it never ceases to amaze me that there is such a huge gaping hole in this country where support and information is concerned, especially in light of recent public revelations of crimenal convictions against state institutions, not mention incest cases where the adult survivor has gone public. My family and friends tell me that i am very brave and strong. I don't feel either.I feel washed out. I just want to get on with my life,to really be here for my girls,not to always feel as though i'm walking on eggshells or in a minefield where my own emotions are concerned! Is there anyone out there who knows what i mean?Has anyone gone through a courtcase against their abuser?please contact me.
Denise...Denise

From Dawn

Hello my name is Dawn. I,too, am a survivor of child sexual abuse from my step-father,my cousin,my step-brother,and once from my cousins best friend. I know all too well the"silent scream" and would love to have someone to turn too for emotional support.
Dawn

From Anonymous

Hi there! I had the pleasure of visiting your page. It was a pleasant visit...I also enjoyed the music.
31 years ago I was a witness to a rape of a 13-14 year old girl. I was ll or 12 years old at the time
It caused a great deal of emotional regression for me. It took years to recover. I tracked the guy who did it each day as I delivered newspapers. I finally tracked him to his home...the Sheriff arrested him there that night. Ten years later I took my own oath as a Deputy Sheriff. Later I became a charter member of the California Sexual Assault Investigators Association. I still investigate sex crimes, in addition to my other assignments. I can't tell you the number of women who have told me their story. Some of them carried that story from childhood into adulthood, and shared it with me. It's heart wrenching when the story is shared with you, especially if it's the first time it's been
shared with anyone. Such a selfish crime that does so much damage to all those involved. Thanks for the page! Thanks for the chance to chat. Anonymous.

Deneane's Story

As a 5 year old little girl, I looked up to my father as a strong, smart, good man. I feared him when I did something wrong and I feared him when he came into my room at night.I did my best to be a good little girl and to make him "LOOK" like a wonderful father to others. What a responsibility for such a young child. The mental, physical & sexual abuse continued until I was 12. I am now 32, a mother of a 3 year old daughter. I am happily married to a wonderful, patient, loving man. There are still times I struggle to stay "In the present". Those memories will NEVER go away. I can't allow this evil person to have control over me anymore. The greatest revenge is to never lower my standards to his level, and be a happy, healthy and "In control" woman. So, Jim Thomsen, know this.......You were never a father, a dad, or a confidant. I have pity for you. But, Look at me now! I just pray others who have been through what I have, will be able to say that and believe it. God
bless the little children who still dwell within us. Deneane Magliano

From Anonymous

Your page has touched me so much. I actually found your web site days ago and have briefly looked at it several times but never really allowed myself to explore until today because from the beginning,from the title and the music I could feel triggers, painful yet beautiful that they are what I needed to be alone for them and give myself permission to feel them again. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for your work. I have been working on my survivor issues for 16 years now and most of the time I consider them taken care of (so to speak) except that they continually sneak into my life again. I feel very frustrated when they do, especially the low self-esteem. I am thirty-five years old and I work as a mental health counselor. I hate it when I feel three all over again and I'm supposed to be strong and confident. It's not so hard with my clients because I can put myself aside then but with my peers it's very hard. I am also married and my husband and I have been trying to have children for five years.We have been unable to find out why we are not getting pregnant but I
often find myself blaming myself even though my rational mind knows better. I just feel like I'm being punished; that I don't deserve to have a child, that my body has been spoiled. Thanks again. Some of what I just wrote I've never said to anyone else before, even myself. I find tears very healing. I am so busy and have so little time by myself that I find I don't get in touch with my inner child and what she is feeling much anymore. I feel very lonely when I allow us to become separated for too long. It is something I've had a hard time explaining to other people but she, and all of her pain is a very real part of me and I love her.She ,I, had so much courage and didn't know it. I had a doll when I was young that originally stood about as tall as I did. I had found her in a garbage can and named her Sally. I used to tell her everything I felt and punish her for the anger I had inside. She was my best friend. I gave her away when I was a little older and wanted to
literally become a saint.I knew that to become a saint I would need to make a great sacrifice so I gave away my best friend.I have missed her ever since.Thank-you.:)

D.D.'s Story

I was sexually harassed at the age of 12. There were several occasions,that older guys (16-20) would
chase me, touch, and attempt to rape me. I never thought I was pretty,in fact, I always felt like an
ugly duckling. This kind of harassment lasted until I moved to another state. At 13, I thought my nightmare was over. I was moving in with my father and his new wife and stepson. The trip going to my new home my stepbrother started making moves on me. He said it was okay because we weren't blood relation. He started making me do many things I didn't want to do. This went on for 5 years. I wanted to end my life countless times and started overdosing on Tylenol;to make me numb. I lost most of my self esteem and later I realized I had bulimia. For the last 8 years I have dealt with depression. I was too embarrassed to ask for help. My husband has been real supportive and
convinced me that I did needed help. I took advantage of counseling at my workplace and was later referred to a psychologist. I continued to be depressed until my beautiful son was born last year. I felt so blessed. I soon became a Christian. For the first time I had felt some release of my pain, it was the beginning of my recovery. God is getting me through this now and I'm not sure how I survived without Him. No one should hurt alone. D.D.

Minoi's Story

I am so grateful to have found this special page. I was sexually abused by my father from the age of 5 to 11 years old that I know of. I repressed it till my 30's when I had flashbacks which went on for many years because I avoided therapy,thinking it would mean I was crazy, and having been programmed well by the parents to enmeshment with these 2 sick people was severe, as I was an only child. 4 years ago at the age of 44, I entered therapy after my grown daughter told me my father sexually molested her also, and she never forgot it. I had already confronted my parents about my own sexual abuse, and I did so again for my daughter who lives out of state. They have
sought revenge for my speaking out---have brainwashed my middle son into not believing me or his sister. I have not seen him in 4 years, and he as well as the perps have been harassing us by phone and mail. I know that my mother always knew of my molestation, from the memories I have
recovered, and she is a sick woman,and most of the hate mail is from her, in addition to the psychotic letters I received from my son. I need others to talk to. I am no longer in therapy, having come far in my healing process, but I believe survivor's healing is a life-time process and we always need support and love. My heart goes out to all of you. I encourage all to speak out, and break the silence and the mind-control of the abusers who continue to abuse victims.
Minoi

Shadow's Story

Hi i'm Shadow...i'm 41 yrs. old and have just started dealing with my childhood sexual abuse during the past year ..i know i never forgot but i'd chosen to bury the memories deep enough so i didn't have to feel the pain..or share my shame with anyone... the memories & nightmares began after i was raped last year & i can't push them away any longer...I lived with my uncle as a child, after my parents had died...he was a preacher...loved by everyone in town...and everyone thought it was wonderful that he treated me like his own little girl & loved me so much .... i was 4 yrs old when the sexual touching started. ...he'd give me baths and play naptime games that were in his words 'to make me feel good & let me know how much he loved me', while mentally & physically abusing me in other ways.... I don't remember ever being near him when his hands weren't on me. Soon after that he began having sex with me regularly until i was 11 yrs old.... he told me i was his special angel, a gift from god.....i remember the tearing pain, the fear, else in my head....at times i was looking down & watching it happening to someone else ....it was my escape...my way of not feeling.... after he finished with me i would escape to my private, safe & silent place under the front porch...staying there talking to my invisible fairy...waiting & hoping for her to take me away from
there to a place where i could laugh, play & cry like normal little girls...but noone came....noone
even knew i was gone...sometimes i would sleep under the porch until morning....i told my aunt that my uncle hurt me & i was scared of him...she told me i was crazy, evil & had a wild imagination....i was finally taken away from my uncles house when i was 12 & had to go to the hospital for a pelvic infection that the dr. said would make me unable to have kids...i told noone...i was afraid of my uncle's threat that god would kill me if i ever told our secret..I was sent to an orphanage, which seemed like paradise at first, but at 13, I was raped by a house monitor & became pregnant. I was placed in an unwed mothers home. I wasn't allowed to hold my baby or know what sex it was...i only remember seeing a headful of dark curls..and crying & screaming for the nurse to bring my baby back ...I had to go back to my uncle's house after that because there was nowhere else i could go. ...he started having sex with me again but this time with violence & anger & hate...always accusing me of betraying him...when i couldn't take it anymore i tried to kill myself several times.....i was put in a psychiatric home for teens and stayed there until i was 15.....released again to my uncle...i stayed with him for a week or two until he beat me one night for saying no to him.....i ran away & never went back....have never heard from him again nor do i want to....but his
grip on my life seems as if it will never go away....i've been in therapy for over a year & undergo hypnosis.....some days are great, i want to be here...other days are dark & i search for a reason to stay.....i know i'm a survivor...& i'm grateful for that....i'm taking it one day at a time & trying to reach out wherever i can...needing to find support & understanding......it's been hard but i'm trying....& i do have hope....Thanks for letting me share my story....i was deeply touched by reading others stories & amazed by all the courageous, strong women who have shared their pain.....
May you all have peace in your journey..... Shadowor Shadow

Joe's Story

This is an excerpt from a letter Joe wrote to his dad.
I never told you how much I respected you as a kid, I remember one time when mother was in the middle of one of her fits, I don't know what you had done, or what she thought you had done, but I
remember her beating on you like a mad woman, and you stood there and took it, you never even acted like you wanted to hit her, you grabbed her arms and tried to hold her and keep her from
hitting you, but you never hit her!! God I respected you for that most of my life, and I guess I still do, I couldn't do it.. I don't think...who knows? Anyway...that was lost in your fight against the truth! You know...that is what makes it all so sad, all you had to do is to simply say "I did it, I know that I did it, and I am sorry" and then get help. Anyway...I just wanted you to know how I felt about you as a kid,
despite what you did to me, I thought that you hung the moon! How do I feel about you now????? I think mostly that I pity you!! I know the kind of pain I was in, and I can only imagine the kind of pain you must be in, to know that you allowed yourself to almost destroy your own kids! I know that you are not my biological father, but you were my only father.
Joe

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