Pam's Story

Hi all! my name is pam and im 38 years old. Its been 10 years since i started on my journey to recovery. Just recently in threapy i learned i have post tramatic stress disorder. It really doesnt surprise me. My therepist congradulated me on comming so far on my own. Im in the supposed last stages of recovery. Although my heart is still heavy.
I was molested by my older brother starting at around 3?. My father woke us up at 4am one morning and put us in bed together, he had a porno-book in his hand. Im assuming he instructed my brother on what to do, but im not sure. Ive tried to talk to my brother about it, i know he was severly beaten by my father (everyday until he was 14) and i dont want to upset him further-he says he trys to block out everything dad did. All of us were tortured in some way by my dad, but hold on-1 of my sisters calls me a liar!!To my face. She says i dreampt the whole thing up! I told her repeatedly to ask Dad or brother about it, but she wont. She says her life is happy right now and she doesnt want to "mess up her reallity", of everything being normal. Can you imagine??!!Although Ive had to live in a messed up reallity my whole life!!!
That brings me back to now!! Im starting to wake up and look at my life and the way people treat me. Ive always been a victim. About a year ago i decided Not to be anymore. I guess it finally sunk in that things that happened to me when i was a child was not my fault. So i started drawing lines on how people should talk to me or treat me.(family&husband). Let me tell you, when you do that people dont like it!!! Some will respect you-some will fight you, but its better to be alone than walked on trust me.Its where i am right now. In the process of making my life better, for myself. Alot of times survivors are caregivers always for other people!. never for themselves to me its time to care about myself and whats good for me! and i think its not selfish or vain its what all of us need to do!.
Id like to get one thing off my chest though something ive been thinking about recently. I was brought up in a small town, in a very close knit neighborhood. Alot of people knew what was going on when i was growing up.
In hopes that they will stumble upon this i would like to ask them "what were you doing when we were getting beat up,molested,neglected,and abused????" "would it really have took alot to pick up the phone and call somebody??" "how do you live with yourself now?? "how do you see me in the grocery store and smile at me?" To everyone from me-real tragedy comes from watching an injustice and not doing anything about it!!!
thanks for listening Pam