Obey Thy Father

Death never comes
to those who's daydreams
erase life and its
imprinted devastation

Torn apart by secrets
Trapped inside a mind
Limits put on living
Isolation's final act

Words, a voice of darkness
echoing his evilness
Spread the sickness in my brain
Waiting for the place in my life
Showing me a meaning
for the torture I've survived

Alone inside myself
Confusion is all we know
A simple explanation
will answer none of the whys
Remembering to Breathe
Steals energy away

Fathers acts still reach out
to touch me within
Stealing more of my life
Pushing me further into mental illness
my society does not even recognize

Cancer finally took claim on my life
as the tragedy unfolds
a small moment
in the total of my life

Finally I've been given an acceptable disease
that most take the time to understand
Unlike the unspeakable "mental illness"
which kept me hidden within

Walls I could not walk through
doors I dared not try to escape
Institutionalized
more isolation

Fear to speak for myself
on my own behalf
silencing me
choking out my life's light
Imprisoned yet one more time

Father told me
if I did not obey him
and if I ever left him
he swore they'd "lock me up"
call me "crazy"
believe that I must have made it all up

He threatened my existence
He can no longer contact me
The Judge had it ordered
for my protection

Just when I begin to feel SAFE
I also begin to realize that to go out into the world
Taking the act of Faith
was putting me in more danger
of the punishments he had warned

Turning me once again inward
yet, knowing in my heart
I must expose him
and others who live by his code
Hurting little children
who I must still shelter deep within

Their freedoms stolen away
betrayal of their trust
Knowing things a little child
should never have to know

experiencing rape
through screams which no one would ever hear
photographed, molested
He called it all "making love"

I was programmed to
not hurt
not cry
as his own excitement heightened
and the exposure to pornography
brought him deeper into his own madness

Each day a new lesson
I was expected to learn
He was also studying
how to train a slave

I often wonder if it was truly real
pulling out the papers from the trial
as I read his confession

Sometimes I'd rather stay in daydreams
then live my reality
no longer do I drink or drug away my feelings
my memories

There is so much to say and do.....
Where oh where do I start?

This poem was completed on 6/18/05

By Victoria Ruth Kelly