Susan Smiles

Now at 5:30

Now at 5:30 in the morning as I write this
Many are sleeping soundly as they should be
Now at 5:30 in the morning I will share with you

When I was 5 and gained the privilege to go play with friends
there was laughter and running, the safety of my home nearby
within sight, the only sigh was when it was time to stop playing
because I had so much fun

At 6 I went to play a game, I was glad to be wanted
in my best friends backyard while they were away
about 7 children blindfolded me and removed my clothes
decorated my bottom with flowers and pushed another boy to me
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?

At this same year the 17 year old neighbor had a car, he wanted
me to see it, while I sat in his garage in this car I heard his pleas for
me to touch it, taste it, I tried to talk my way out of this, get on his
good side
with words and logic as I looked at the corner of the roof of my house
outside of the car window, and the garage window and the window of my
soul
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?

15 and laughing at a party at my house everyone happy
we were safe, when a drunk uncle tries to hit on us and I
get my cousin and say Lets go, hes drunk, what a jerk
we laugh
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?

Lots of Lessons in between, Lots of Fun and Laughter
Running, Using, Denying, Soon will come Disaster

A marriage, a baby, a divorce depression maybe

Hollywood is fun and thrilling, small breaks at last
Abuser Animation Director with a PROUD FAMILY
likes to stand in stairwell corners with me looking at my chest
likes to literally force sex yeah he likes this best
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?

The baby I was pregnant with from my 2nd marriage
when I went to be morning sick, the Animator pushed me
on the floor, I stuck up for myself, I said, I will call the Police!
He left me alone, Hooray who cares if I was fired for acting weird after!
Where was my life headed to? Where would it go?

Another divorce, but more creativity and experiences I was having
Sad time Happy time Mixed Up time Strong Beautiful Meaningful time
Later I would find that my beautiful boy who was with me when
the Animator pushed us on the floor
would he himself, my baby boy would be molested and I dont know by who
my 11 yr old boy has a lot of anger, he has several mental health issues
and meds
he is in treatment, he has exposed himself to other children
I fear sometimes that I will break, that maybe the devil has a special
liking to me
Where is our life headed to? where will it go?

I have learned that no matter where I am headed to I will paint it
Beautiful
I will have music with me all the time
I will be strong in whatever fashion I choose to be strong
I will LOVE my child, for without LOVE he will truly die inside and be
Feared
I will Forgive no matter how much or little I can at a time Myself and
Others
I will wake up in the middle of the night and write a letter at 5:30 in
the morning
Marina M.