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This my story, I'm 26 years old, married to a wonderful man and have
three beautiful children.I had my tubes tied in June of 2001.
At first it started out as long hard hugs and rubbing on my back.Then it would get where he was rubbing my bottom the between my legs. I remember it being very close to christmas the first time he actually put his hands inside my clothes and touching my private areas. He had me sit on his lap to tell him what I wanted for Christmas.Then he started rubbing my legs and moved upward to my private parts.When he slide his hands inside my panties I squirmed and tried to get up, but he held me still. And told me to be still and tell him what I wanted for Christmas. I did as I was told. He was in charge while momma worked. So I had to mind. Then he put his fingers inside of me and it hurt so much. I cried and was told to shut up. This went on for along time. I can't remember if it ever went any furhter than that. I have locked away so many memories. But I have nightmares of him forcing his self on me and raping me. He was not the only one at the time doing this. A friend of the family who was staying with us started touching. He didn't get as far as my brother ever did because momma's boyfriend caught him trying to get his hand into my pants at night. I pretended to be asleep so maybe he would leave me alone. I started to cry softly so no one could hear but then mommas boyfriend came in and turned on the light and caught him. I thought they would kill each other . I was so scared. Thinking I had done some thing bad and would get in trouble. Momma never knew what happened no one ever told. As I got older my brother didn't touch me as much. I was relieved. Until he started bring his girlfriends home and having sex with them. Doesn't sound so bad right. But he would make sure I saw them having sex. If I tried to leave the room he would either follow or open the door so I was sure to see. I was about 11 at this time. If I tried to go outside and play he would open the window to his room and pull back the curtains. He wanted to make sure I heard and saw everything. By this time we lived in a new town and my mom was remarried. I was so frightened of my stepdad. Thinking another man to touch me. But he never did which confused me. I thought that was how everything was supposed to be. Well I had started to develope at around 11 and was getting breasts. I thought finally no one else will ever touch me again. Boy was I wrong. I had started babysitting for the nieghbor. I had been whatching the kids for awhile, when their uncle came in. He was always saying I was pretty little girl. After I had the younger kids asleep he came into the room and started touching my breasts. And continued down my body. I just felt so sick. I just turned and ran from the house. I never went there again. I thought how could he do that. I never knew any of this touching was wrong I thought it happened to every one. Then one day after school when I was about fourteen, I
was watching an afterschool t.v. special. That really turned my world
upside down. I was almost fourteen by then. I thought so it doesn't
happen to every one and it's wrong. I was shocked and felt so dirty.
I told my mom about the men who had touched me except for my brother.I
didn't want her to call me a liar. As I went through junior high and High school I could never get a boy to like me. I figured it was a sex thing.They always talked about it with all the other girls. So when I was 15 there was this boy I liked. I didn't know him very well. But I gave him my virginity. I just laid still and didn't move. I wanted him to like me I wanted to have some one care about me.When that didn't work I just went on to the next boy and the next.I did this hoping that one of them would like me in return but all I got out of this was being branded a slut by the whole town. At the end of my 10th grade year I decide to change my ways I was doing nothing but hurting myself. By then I already had a bad reputation.So the first time I told a boy NO, he tried to rape me. He busted my lip and blackened my eye.But I still protested until he put a shotgun to my head. I just froze. His friend stopped the truck and said let her go her friend already got away. So he let me go my brother forced me to go to the police.They did nothing of course,the guy I said did this was rich and a star football player in our town. They said it was all my fault. That I was just a whore. We moved out of that town a few months later .I thought I could start a new life. I was new in town and had gotten invited to a party. I went there was cute guy there. I was talking with him and we started to kiss. A bunch of us had went into a bed room to listen to music and drink. He started trying to undress me and I said NO. My supposedly new friends pushed me down for him then locked me in the room wiith him.Where he raped me. I clawed and tried to fight but just wasn't strong enough. I was again called a whore and slut. I never told any one he raped me or went to the police I couldn't go through that again. My husband who I met a few months later, is still the only one who knows till this day. He is a great man who has been here for me. It's just so hard for him to listen to me talk about what has happened to me. It hurts him to see me hurt. Two years ago I finally told my mom that I can't be around my brother anymore because what he had done to me.It hurt her so much she never knew. She felt like an awful mother. But she wasn't she just never knew. I know how she feels because the reason I told her, is becuase of my two boys. I was pregnant with my daughter at the time that had found out that the boy who was living with us, his father was our roomate, he was starting to touch my children. He was 14 years old. My children will hopefully not have any scars from this. I pray they don't I pray we found out in time. I was overprotective before but now I have gone so much further I don't trust to leave them with any one other than my parents or my husbands. Because you can never know who you can trust.I know I have not suffered as much as some people but I do know we all hurt. Thank you for letting me tell my story.I have hopes that it can help someone. I have very low self esteem and I feel very ugly. This effects people their whole lives. It's not something that can go away. I'm always afraid of loosing my dear sweet husband. I never feel Like I deseve what I have in my life. I feel ugly, I constanly struggle with not gaining weight and trying to be beautiful. I can't expect my outward appearance. I know I don't look heavy or fat to any one but myself, I know people think I'm attractive. But it is so hard to see past these scars. I never feel worthy or deserving. This is something that will always affect my life. I hope that by telling my story I will get some healing. Never give up, don't ever be afraid to tell.Be strong and love yourself. I'm always here to listen if any one ever needs to talk. Because remember we are not alone. My love goes out to all of the strong survivors and the ones who are still struggling. Please feel free to e-mail me any time. Thank you for hearing my story Misty |
I can remember
clearly being 8 years old. I have awful nightmares of being younger
and being touched. But I don't know if these are memories or just awful
nightmares. The first person I remember touching me is my oldest brother,
who is ten years older than me. 