Mary Ellen's Story

I was ten, He was my friend's big brother Stephen. He was 17. I have only begun to see it. For years, I am 48 I have known that I didnt see my sexuality as others. It has been dark, dangerous, and a source of pleasant and trouble. I have always been too quick to have sex. I have had sex with too many strangers. I get fat tooo many times. I chased the best man I have ever me away because of sex. He thought that I didnt wnat to have sex with him. I couldnt have sex with him. The demons which have haunted me. Always telling me that there is something evil about me. I am different. I am a 10 year old little girl in bed with STephen. It has been my fault. It has tainted everthing in my life. I am still little Mary Ellen. I struggle with the faact that I didnt ! stop him. I can back for more. He was my best frinend's brother. I know that there was no way I could have appreciated what I was doing. I have been told that it was rape. He had criminal intent becuase he knew. He was responsible. I want to be a survivor. I want to recover. I want to be whole. I want to be able to love a man. Finally I feel hopefully. I can understand how this has left its mark on me. I hope that I can see its impact. I can be heathly. I need to nedd reading material, survivning and living with sexual abuse. I want little Mary Ellen to heal. I want her to grow u. I want her to know that the world is safe. I want her to know that I will take care of her.