When I was 25yrs old I had a flashback of my stepfather sexually abusing me. I was fourteen and we went to a father daughter dinner dance at school. I also started to remember my "normal" life. The abuse began when I was about 9 or 10 and I don't know how long it lasted. The memories haven't surfaced. I do r emember my baby sister displaying alot of signs that she was being abused, and how my mother would always yell at her to stop crying, stop being difficult, always punishing her for acting out. My stepfather kept us all separated emotionally from each other. Somehow he controlled my mother getting her to always tell me how they weren't such terrible people for fear I would tell my real father when I would visit him. I felt like I wanted to kill myself when I was 12. Then I started drinking when I was 15. By 17 yrs I remember looking in the mirror and saying "I give up". I can't keep living a lie. I always felt I was no good. That I was bad. That no matter how beautiful I looked on the outside I felt ugly and repulsive on the inside. My family was about appearances. Everything looked good on the outside. The house the cars, my grades, my weight. Except the rage I started to display towards my mother at about 17 and the defeat I felt and numbing at 18. In college I drank heavily blacking out and usually starting fights. I was severly depressed and didn't get out of bed for weeks. I was far enough away from home to keep this all hidden to protect our "Normal" family. I never slept around, in fact I hated sex all together. I despised it. Which leads me to believe I was raped by my stepfather. Today I am 26 and have been in therapy for almost 1 year. It has helped me in leaps and bounds. I am getting ready to confront my abuser as well as my mother in order to move on with my life and to save my 14yr old sister. No one was there to save me. In fact the sexual abuse in my family spans generations. I feel my mother knows that the abuse happens but is in strong denile. She was always emotionally invalidating and cold. She instilled guilt in me in order to control me. I have so much rage and anger still that it has started to cause physical problems to my liver and gallbladder so I know that in order for me to heal and move on with my life
I must confront those who abondoned me and left me fend for myself. I am happy to say that I have started to work through my chronic depression and have gotten off my medication. I also have started to love myself and gain a sense of myself. I now know that I am worthy of receiving love. I honor all of
you who are survivors and have been inspired to share my story to bring healing and strength to others.Remember we are love and we deserve love.
Malinda