Kris's Story

My name is Kris, my full name is Kristen but I really don't care for that name so everyone except my family calls me Kris.I was just looking at your site and really found it painful and enjoyable at the same time if that makes any sense. I am a survivor of incest by my Grandfather and my Father even though at times I have doubts about my Father and sometimes I doubt about my Grandfather. I don't remember much and I often question my sanity. I have looked at these issues for some time now and actually this is the longest I have been in therapy but I have never told my story. When my Grandfather passed away I felt extremely and physically sick to my stomach. It was a sucky Feb vacation from school...nothing like going to PA to a funeral. Everyone was crying and I couldn't. I remember sitting outside in the van trying to make myself cry but all I felt was sick. I wasn't aware of any memories at that point,I had blocked it all out. My Grandmother died the following year and my sister came into my room and asked me if my Grandfather had done anything to me and it was like she had flipped on the movie projector only the images haven't been edited. She said she was going to tell my father about it and I begged her not to. My Father came into my room and asked me about it and I remember telling him that it was no big deal and that was the end of talking about it in the family until I confronted my Father about his abuse to me.
Things that I always wondered about fell into place....why was I trying to kill myself, why was I drinking and drugging the way I was and why was I sooo fascinated and felt like I deserved to be raped. Things escalated after that day with my sister. I was slashing my wrists and covering the cuts up. I would lock the bathroom door, couldn't go into the basement, had anxiety attacks at night waiting for my mother to come home from her night of gambling. The drinking, drugging and permiscous behavior only got worse. I graduated from HS barely, quit my job and took off from home and eventually was living out of my car, trading my body for drugs and booze. Eventually a good friend took me to a AA meeting and eventually helped me get into my first rehab. I wasn't ready to clean up and sober up for it took a guy to put a gun to my head and I really didn't know who he was and I didn't care if he shot me. Why am I telling you this, probably because I feel like I need to puke it all out of me. I am not doing well with anything. I got sober when I was 19 and stayed sober for 9 and a 1/2 years until I chose to sleep with a married man and then picked up drinking again and I'm having a hard time stopping again. My therapist(Sue) wants me to go to an outpatient rehab and I am struggling with that cuz I am a single mother a 7 year old boy. I just feel
like I'm really alone and that I'm going nuts. I'm meeting men online who want to tie me up and force themselve onto me and I feel like I deserve it all. Am I going nuts?