The following letter to my inner
child was one of the more difficult ones that I have written. I choose
to share it now because I want the pain of abuse
to be known!! Please read with care if you are a survivor!! If it is too difficult to read, then
please stop. If, however, you are an abuser...then read this letter and my prayer is that your heart will
be broken!!
To My Inner Child!
Dear Blessed Little Susan,
What a life you have had!! Your strength
is astounding to me. You were always so little, like a delicate
flower, but no one noticed you, did they? No one
cared. No one loved you. No one cherished you. They didn't
realize that you had seen the face of God!!
You know something? You are a special
child. You have survived against incredible odds. You did not
deserve to be yelled at just because you were there. You did
not deserve to be hit with that belt. You did not deserve
to be humiliated because your skin was dirty. Your mother did
not take care of you. She only wanted to drink with her husband.
She never heard your tears, your fears, your needs.
You did not deserve that!!
It was so scary to see your mother
drunk and out of control. Who would protect you against that
mean father? the priest? Then when she found out about him,
she told you not to tell. She said people don't talk about things
like that! She lied!!
When you overdosed on aspirin, she
never even knew. You could have died!! Oh my precious child!! Hear
me now, I love you!! Listen to me again...I love you!!
When you cut your wrist with that
razor blade, no one even knew. No one saw the bandage that you yourself
put over the gash. How smart you were to do that! How
strong you were! Your parents are contemptible for the
way they neglected and abused such a beautiful
little girl. Susan, you did not deserve such abominable treatment!!
You did nothing wrong!
I admire your ability to laugh and
play even after living through such hell! You couldn't play back then
could you? It was not safe. You were too busy trying to stay alive,
and I thank you for that. Because of your strength, I have a
chance to live now. Can you feel my hugs to you now? Yes, I know you
can, and I feel your tears come. It's ok to cry now. No one can hurt
you now. No one will laugh at you. You are safe. I will keep you safe.
I feel your pain and I hear you. My loving little girl, it's ok now.
I love you. You are safe.
Do you remember that doll that you
loved so dearly? I know you do. You were such a good mother to her.
You talked so softly and lovingly to her. You wanted to be treated the
same way. You wanted to be loved like that. You knew HOW to love even
then!! Even when you felt so unloved you knew how to give love. You are
incredible!! I see your smile.
When that priest ("Father"
Roger Colleret) touched you on your private parts you were scared beyond belief. You didn't know what to do.
Panic and fear froze your body. He did adult things to you, but you
were a child. You did the only thing that you could do. You endured the
atrocities of abuse!! Your father would have beat the crap out of you had you
tried to tell. Susan, you were not protected. I am
so sorry for that. No one will ever touch you again where
you don't want to be touched. I will protect you so carefully and
diligently. No more bad touches. He humiliated you didn't he, when he
stuck his fingers into your tiny body and gave you that smirk! I am
furious that that happened to you. I feel your
anger. It is justified anger. No guilt feelings allowed!! He was
a BASTARD!!! He will burn in hell!! How dare he rape you, then bow his
head in prayer. Damn him!!
Men scare you, and I understand that.
I will not let any man hurt you again. Not all men are bad. I know
the difference now. You help me to know which men are safe, and which
are not. I will listen to you. I will hear your little voice. I will use
my big voice to protect you. No one will rape you, hurt you, humiliate
you, or neglect you again.
You were so frightened tonight. Your
heart was pounding in fear, hands were shaking. You did not feel safe
with me. You thought you needed someone else to keep you safe. It must
be me, the adult. I neglected you tonight, and I am sorry.
I will NOT do that again. But it is up to me to keep you safe. I will protect you. Yes, I know you
are just a little girl. But I am not, and I, the adult,
will keep you safe.
One last thing, it is ok to love.
It is ok to allow yourself to feel and accept love. You ARE worthy of
love. You deserve love. You are an adorable child!!
