hi susan, i sent in some poems that i had written
about my childhood abuse over a year ago now. just after i sent
those in, myself and my son moved from our hometown, where i had
lived all my life, and went to a womens refuge 80 miles away. it
was my one last try at life, so to speak and i had decided that
if i couldnt cope then, well, neither myself or my son would be
around today. fortunately, although its been difficult along the
way, we have made it, and for the first time ever, i feel able to
cope alone and finally deal with the past abuse. i have been so
lucky to have found a counsellor who understands and is such a terrrific
help and support to me, other counsellors ive seen made things worse.
I know i still have a long way to go, dont even know if i will ever
get there, but I've made such a massive start on healing, and for
the first time ever, i feel as though i am living and not just existing.
finding your site helped me so much, it was the first time ever
to hear others like me with some of the same feelings, made me realise
i wasnt mad after all,(well maybe a little hehe) i havent had use
of the internet since we moved as we lost everything, but when youve
been through abuse i dont think material things are ever really
important.most importantly of all, my son is happy and well settled
in the new town, which means the world to me. i still cant mix with
people,just cant find any trust, which is probably why i find myself
on here waffling away to you, sorry! anyway, im sending in two more
of my poems that i wrote,the others i sent you were, i am not to
blame and a fight i will win. i wrote these in the refuge and they
really helped me at the time.
CHILDHOOD
Living in fear - hope death is near
Battered and bruised - so confused
object of lust - self disgust
Happy Birthday,4 - child whore
Feeling like dirt - pain and hurt
Can never tell - living hell
Living a lie - want to die
Thoughts inside - suicide
as you can tell, not an optimistic poem, far from
it, but when i think now how much better i feel, its kind of good
to look back on in a way, to realise how far I have come. this ones
a little more positive, i wrote this as like alot of adult survivors,
one of the hardest feelings to come to terms with was my guilt.
A
GIFT FOR MY DAD
I have a present to give to you dad
Its the guilt ive lived with, its made me so sad
I thought it was mine but now i can see
It was yours to carry for eternity
Ive carried that guilt right from the start
And slowly, its been breaking my heart
Ive lived with that guilt, but it was misplaced
It was all your fault, the truth must be faced
I know you wont keep it, you believe your own lies
Youve done nothing wrong in your own eyes
But do with the guilt whatever you may
I will not carry it for one more day
Its one less burden for me to bear
Im starting a new life, not that youd care
Next i'll rid myself of the shame
Ive already learnt i wasnt to blame
It wont be easy, youve made my life hard
I was just an object to use then discard
Youve ruined my life for way too long
Youre now in my past, thats where you belong
I said over a year ago when i sent the poems that
i would get around to sending in my story too, which i think i am
nearly ready to do, that will be another long email too, sorry!I
also finally disclosed that my dad wasnt the only one in the family
to abuse me,the one thing that made me hold that back was that surely
people would think it was definitely my fault if my dad wasnt the
only one to abuse me, but reading the stories on your site made
me realise that unfortunately, there are often more abusers. anyway,
thanks for taking the time to read this, and keep up the great work
on your site, I am one person that it has helped and i am sure that
it helps others too.
Take care, and best wishes for the new year, hope it brings you
everything you wish for.
Joanna
