Jennifer's Story

This is very difficult for me to send in, since I am just beginning to understand that the abuse I suffered was NOT my fault - nothing I did caused a grown man to rape me at the age of 8. However, like many of you, I feel the shame and humiliation. Maybe it is because as children, we look at adults as our protectors, the ones who will ensure we won't get hurt. So, when these adults abuse us in such horrible ways, we tell ourselves that it had to be something we did, or said. At least, that is how I felt. I was raped on a picnic table by an uncle when I was 8 while my aunt slept in a tent not more than 20 feet away. I was also forced to watch him do the same thing to his children. He ended up going to prison for what he did to us, but that doesn't make the rage go away. I have struggled for many years with eating disorders, low self-esteem, and self-hatred. I have also been through a string of violent, sexually abusive relationships as a young adult. That is what I thought I deserved. Through it all, I demanded nothing less than perfection from myself - I completed University, have held down a Management position for 7 years, and on the outside, look "together" - happy, responsible, and successful. But, I was dying inside. I have contemplated suicide many times, and have spent many hours struggling with whether or not to finally end the pain. I've realized that I don't really want to die. I just want the pain to end. So, I entered therapy 6 months ago, and am just beginning to reach out to others who understand what I am going through. My heart goes out to all of you. We all share a special bond, and have gone through the most unfair kind of hell - not a hell that we created, but one that was given to us by another. I wish each and every person who has gone through this kind of pain all the best in their own personal recoveries. Good Luck and God Bless.
Jennifer