I Was 10

I remember the confusion most.
The first time, I didn't understand
what was happening.
10 was still very innocent then.
That summer everything changed.
I was forced to abandon childhood.

The first time she touched me
I didn't know how to react.
I knew grown ups weren't supposed to touch there.
But she wasn't a grown up.
She was my babysitter.

I knew it was wrong
but was too scared to say stop.
I was too ashamed to tell anyone.
Now the shame is gone
but the fear and the secret lives.

Sometimes when I'm back in that room, my room
I can still smell her vile breath
and feel her on my skin.
It makes me shiver.

As I fall asleep
I can hear her frantic whispers and moans
as her lips press against mine.

I can still feel her weight on top of me,
her strong arms holding me down.

She called me her lover.
I didn't know what a lover was.
I am still afraid to be a lover again.

Jeannie