Susan Smiles

INNOCENCE LOST

I wish I would have gotten a chance
To live my childhood with innocence

An adult decided that I was the "chosen" one
So my life it would change because my Uncle wanted some

The things that he'd do to me disgusted me so
But I was told I couldn't let anyone know
Because if I told he'd make me pay
So I kept it a secret and I'd let him has his way

I always felt dirty, that there was something wrong with me
Why didn't my family know that he was abusing me sexually?

The movement of his eyebrows, up and down, was my sign it was time
I'd get up immediately to go meet the slime
He'd make me do things that would make me want to vomit
But I couldn't scream, cry or even put up a fight
So in my mind I must have wanted it

I know that he got to my sister at least once or twice
The pain I felt for her was more than I could bear
So from then on out I made a deal with the Devil
I'd always make myself available

In my mind I was thinking better me than Kathy
Oh how I hated the taste, the feeling, and the pain
But he didn't care as long as he came

Now I'm an adult who's forgiven my Uncle
But the abuse is something I'm afraid I'll always recall
It's ruined me to where I can't or won't be sexual
Because sex feels dirty and that I have no control

Never again will I have to have sex when I don't want to
But I'm married now and I don't know what to do

Please God help me to feel clean again
And please, oh please, let me know where to begin