Susan Smiles

IF TODAY

If today were the day that I would choose to end my strife
It would be because I couldn't find the strength to go on with my life

The painful memories of seeing my Mom beaten and me, a small child,
forced to experience sex on an adult's time table
Was too much for me to handle - I just wasn't able

I have through the years been able to forgive what was done
But the support from my family was next to none
I don't want to blame or hurt anyone
But it would have been nice to hear
"Tami, it was an awful thing to have experienced for such a little girl"
And the next thing they'd do would be to hug me and hold me near

I wish that what happened to me could have been out in the open
But instead it was hid and to never be spoke about ever again
So I was left with the feeling that I was to blame
My whole life filled with such horrible shame

I have tried so many times to work through all the pain I feel inside
But can't seem to find the courage to do what is suggested - so instead
I retreat - I go run and hide

I have always let friends and family believe that I was tough - a person
with strength and courage - who didn't need anyone
But after things are all said and done - all I am is a coward who's afraid
of everyone

I know if today I would choose to end my life, that people would be sad
and maybe even cry
But I would want them to know it was not their fault - I was just to worn
down
that I'd given up - was unable to try

I truly believe that my husband, friends and family would be better off
without me
They would go on living life, as is suppose to be, with me as only a memory