Gayatri devi dasi's Story

Here is a story of a scared little girl...

She was very small and had little face with blond hair and big blue eyes. People thought that she was cute. She thought that she was just made to please others. Why did she think that?

See, this little girl was always told how bad she was. She was dirty, mean and bad. She didn't deserve to be loved. Her business was to give enjoyment to others. She really tried, she tried and tried to be a good girl. She wanted to be loved.

She never had a father either... She stayed a lot with her grandparents because her mother couldn't get herself together. One night when staying at her grandparents it was very dark and a big monster came in. Or maybe he came from under the bed. And he was on top of her and she travelled away, she was not there and it was not happening to her. The next morning she was somewhere else. She had moved to sleep with her grandfather and her grandmother had moved to sleep in the kitchen. "Why am I here? Why is grandmother sleeping in the kitchen?" she just got some unclear answers. Maybe she had walked in her sleep...

After that she got scared. She was scared that the monster would come again. She always had to check many times if the door was locked and she never wanted to sleep without the light on. She started having panic attacts and trouble sleeping... She was very sad... Silly girl, why did she believe in monsters... There are no monsters living under the bed. But she prayed, she prayed to God to help her.

Then sometimes this little girl also stayed at het mother's house. She was mostly alone because her mother was at work, or in the bar, or maybe with her latest boyfriend... But she had a nice friend as her neighbor. The only problem was that her friends father was a monster sometimes. He would want
to play monster games and he had big monster hands. He would hurt the little girl with his hands. Put them inside her and make her feel really bad. But he said that it is a nice game. That he just wanted to make her feel good. She was ashamed, but again, she just wanted to be loved. This went on for a
long time until the little girl moved away from the neighbor.

Later on in school it was already clear to the little girl what she has to do. She is made to please others and others are pleased if they can use her body. Since first grade the older boys would come and they knew that she was already dirty, they knew what she was made for so it was alright to do it to
her. But she was not bad, was she? She just wanted to be loved. Often she prayed, prayed to God that she could die.

When she reached teenage she had many boyfriends, but they also knew what she was made for. They knew they didn't have to care. They knew they could just take her body but not her. She accepted that as normal. She never thought about feeling. She hoped though...that someone would love her. She
had tried for so long and she kept trying. She stopped praying. Now she just took drugs. She went away...

Next thing that came was beating. She thought this boy would love her and she moved together with him. But he knew also...He knew that she was bad. That's why he hit her. Beat her head against the wall. Threw her around the room and raped her. Sometimes she thought about leaving, running far away,
being free. She was taking more and more drugs, not wanting to face the pain. Anyway, she was strong, she didn't have problems, no pain.

People often told her she was pretty. She heard that she was intelligent, but she knew... She knew that they didn't know... They didn't know yet. They didn't know the secret. That she can never be loved...because she is made for others.

But then came a point where God helped this little girl. She was still young, only 19...but God helped her. He had always been there. Her boyfriend left her and she started praying. She discovered meditation and then she found people who cared. She joined the Hare Krishna-temple and stopped doing drugs...

After some years she met her teacher who told her to move to America(the little girl was from Finland). She was told for the first time that she wasn't bad. She could be loved by God and not only that. She could also be loved by God's servants. These people were the first that didn't want anything from her. They found out about her secret, but they didn't use her. She got a change to be small for the first time in her life and the people around her always made her feel safe.

Now she has been crying for the tears that were lost for so long. She discovered she had emotions and she learned how to love and to be loved. No-one is wanting her body, she is now very safe. The only thing she can say is that, it is only God's grace...

Thank you for listening to my little story... That little girl was me and I want heal... from this terrible acts that these people did to me. I hope they burn in hell... I can't say I have much compassion... I think it is actually compassion if they get what they deserve... I want to thank you Susan for this webpage. I wish there were more compassionate people like you in the world... Hare Krishna.

Gayatri devi dasi