Erica's Story

Hello,My name is Erica from your servivor storys on your web page. It is 2:40 in the morning and I find myself sitting in from of my computer wanting so much to scream help! It was over a year ago when I wrote you my story and alot has happend. After I left the father of my baby I went thru a serious depression. And I felt so angry inside ,something in me snapped. I decided to lose wieght . I wieghted almost 400 pounds when I decided this. And I decided no matter what the cost I was gonna do it. So I slowy starved myself. I ate every 4 days,and within a month dropped 100 pounds. Untill I had to go to the hospital because I was so dehyrated I couldnt even hold liquids in my stomache. When i got out I started to eat again,but only once a day or once every 2 days.When I got down to 220 I was raped by
a co worker of my ex husbands. For a while I considered going back to wieghting 400 pounds because I felt atleast then men would leave me alone. I felt like I could handle men not even treating me like I was human because I was so big other than bieng raped because I was smaller. I went thru a serious depression and stayed angry for a long time but I managed to pull thru and be okay. Then I started having flash backs and remembered my father molesting me when I was 2 years old. And for a while there I felt like there was something wrong with me,maybe something evil and that was why even my
father saw it in me and touched me when I was 2. Untill I met a man I had thought was so wonderful. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was on the rebound and this man made me feel soo good about myself. By this time I had starved myself down to 170 and was making myself throw up when I was so hungry I couldnt help it and had to eat. The man I had started to see got me to start eating again and realy made me feel special. And he was so good with my daughter. Untill he started trying to control me. He would get jealous if I flirted with another man. And even gets jealous about my relationship with the father of my baby. Even though it isnt a good relationship we try to get along for my daughters sake. Then my ex boyfriend and I started talkin and I realized I never realy loved the current guy I was seeing . He just felt safe to me and that I was still seriously in love with my ex. But I was confused. I told both men how I felt about them and asked them for time and space to sort out my feelings. Well my current boyfriend got worse. He started treating me like a trophy and acted like it was a compotion. And started trying to control me even worse. We started fighting all the time and he even kicked me out of the house at one point. Untill I told him I would leave but before I went I thought he should know that I though I was pregnate. I was on the birth control and was trying not to get pregnate but obviosly it didnt work. He bought a test that night and it turned out I am. I cried my eyes out when I found out I was,
And at first I was gonna settle and try to make things work but after a while I realized I still wanted to see my ex one last time to see how much I still cared for him. I wanted to make sure there was nothing left between me and my ex and make sure I was doin the right thing. But also part of me didnt want to be pregnate. I was on the diet pill and still starving myself. Even though by that time I wieghted 160 and had lost a total of 240 pounds I still couldnt see a difference when I looked in the mirror. When my boyfriend found out he was angry,and told me if I wanted things to work out between me and him then to get an abortion, He said if I didnt and I got involved with another man and didnt stay with him he would take the baby, And if I had it I would be having it on my own.My ex has stayed out of this and told me what ever I decide to do he will understand and be there. He hasnt pressured me or felt compeled to turn this into a contest. I have already decided to have the abortion. I cant raise another baby by myself. And me bieng pregante wont stop me from starving myself or throwing up. And I dont want the baby to be born with
birth defects. I currently wieght 163 (im 5''7 by the way) and I still cant see a difference. And I cant seem to ever lose enough. Now I find myself goin thru another depression. One min im fine with everything. The next I feel sad inside,becuase I will never get to hold the baby or see it. And the next I feel so much anger towards my boyfriend I want to hurt him. When I do have the abortion I know the baby wont be the only thing that will die. A small part of me ive managed to keep alive thru everything ive lived thru will die to. The part of me that still wants to belive there is good out there and not all men are bad. The part of me that cares about others and can still feel emotions will die also. I feel so lost and alone. So numb and angry. I want so bad to scream help at the top of my lungs but im afraid if I do ill never stop screaming. I dont know why im writting you this. Im sure you have your own problems in your life to deal with. I just feel the need to tell someone before I go crazy. If you can offer any advice or suggestions I would apreciate it. If not thank you,bieng able to just tell you this and get it off my chest has helped me.I think I can finally fall asleep. Thanks

*~*~Erica~*~*