|
Susan Smiles
The memories recently surfaced Just about six months ago I didn't know what was happening Or the feelings my body let go
I was at a point in my life Where everything was going wrong And then one day as I watched the clouds part, The memories, in crept upon
Like the rays that should have fallen through Only this time there was no shine Someone, my uncle violated me And took this now dark soul of mine
My eyes fell open to this As I looked from outside into a window As I laid on my uncles twin bed And watched my innocence go
The curtains were spread wide open And the sun was shining through them As if it were supposed to be a glorious day Yet my insides were ripped from within
Like a story unfolding before me I watched like the turn of a page His hand ran down to my breast Yet I didn't have them at that age
What age was I, I cannot tell you Between 4 and 6 is all I know I lay there in my little pink nightgown At this man everyone loved so
Not even a man at that moment A teen boy is how he looked While it seems like he wanted to only lose His virginity, while it was mine he took
Why am I looking in through a window? Is it because I did not want to be The child feeling this terror The one I lost long ago, me.
After feeling his way with his fingers With his hand, never fully grown He decided to enter his penis And I watched as he thrust and he moaned
By this time I'm inside this room, Looking down from the ceiling above While this uncle had his way with me As I lost the true meaning of love
Did I scream or even try to fight? At first, I did not understand Until at once I was back in my body And I smelled over my mouth, his hand
Was this the only time he did this? At this time, I really don't know Then again, do I really want to find out? And feel pain again as they flow
These memories decide to just now appear Shouldn't I have a choice of when to face this fear? The ugliness that I put behind me, thanks to my brain No I can't seem to wash it down the drain
I must face what has happened, no matter what Will I make it through this, or will I just give up and die Why can't I just shut my self into my own little world Where no one can enter, where I can just hide
I've been told I'm a survivor A survivor of what? I can't even handle these feelings Even from the ones that I remember as I continue growing up.
I was 13 years old, enjoying my own little rebellion When I'm sent to a town to live safely with my aunt. And I meet this nice boy, or so at the time I thought. Until he decides to show me how much he can flaunt
We're alone for the first time and I'm so nervous Never having been with anyone, of course I had forgotten this He tries to make a move, wait, he's going to far Now again, I am going through this ugly abyss.
He did not get what he wanted, although not for lack of trying He threw me to the ground and told me I accept That he was going to do this to me, no matter what I said Until I kicked him in the balls and ran away as he wept.
Never told anyone about this, until almost 2 years from then When I ended up losing my virginity again Like before, I didn't want it, like before he didn't care It was a different man this time, with a greed behind his stare
This time I was not able to fight back and run I had to stay and let this man do what he came for While his wife slept in a different room The same name as the guy 2 years before
It was my fault, I was drinking, I should never have stayed there, But I thought since I was at a friend's house, I thought I would be ok Until his older brother caught me in the middle of the night And showed me why I shouldn't have stayed.
I got up to drink some water and he was there on the couch I was shocked to see him still awake as the rest of us were not When he saw me, he kissed me and I tried to push him off Until he laid me on the floor and on top of me he got.
He was older, 26 and in the army, what a shame I was only 14years old and I knew I lost this game He kept telling me I like it, I kept telling him to stop He said I enjoyed his big one, I told him that I did not
Once he finished he laid back down, leaving me to fend for myself I got up and drank my water and just went back to bed I was scared to say anything To the woman that he wed
The next day, I spent two hours, with his wife at the store I was afraid to go straight home for fear that she would notice That something was really wrong And ultimately blame me for this
I was scared to tell my mother, once I finally went home If she knew that I had been drinking, she would blame me She would think it was my fault She would not be able to see
So I told my friend who also was a friend of my mother's Make her keep it a secret, knowing for her it would be hard I was afraid I may have gotten pregnant, or had caught some weird disease I had never had sex before this, or so I thought with disregard.
We took this man to court, when my mom finally found out He pleaded "no contest" doesn't that mean he's guilty I was told not to go near his house and he got probation Even then he wasn't charged for rape, only for assaulting me
I moved on with my life, which is short yet very long So much stuff has happened since then, never thinking anything was wrong I got pregnant when I was 15 and had my baby a year after I met my husband while I was pregnant, and now our marriage is a disaster
As I watched my daughter was taken away from me by my father Screwed again, by another man, why the hell do I even bother Married young and had more children, never realizing at all. That I've not been able to show love, now I'm taking a hard fall.
My husband suffers because of me and feels like being suicidal Only our kids to keep us afloat and remind us of our bridal Commitment to each other and the children we now see Running around before us, just as innocent as can be
Now I have to deal with this terror, having put it six months ago behind Due to other arising problems, that have left us in a bind Now my marriage is a mess and I have once again been left with the decision to heal if I want to keep my kin
He does not know that I love him Although I can see why I have never showed him emotion I can't even try to cry
I have told my father the truth About this memory I had He told me he would support me Then he turned around and got mad
My mom now knows about my uncle I just broke her heart I know Where was she while this was happening? How could this uncle have done so
How she loves me, my mom tells me How she'll always be there for me How she feels extremely guilty That she could not protect me Mom it's not your fault, I tell her, Mommy you never did know If you had you would have killed him Just as you always told me so
Daddy does not believe me Mommy can you call him please Although I think it's his new wife That refuses to let him see
Husband thank you for being there Helping me to get through this As I'm trying to float above water And I'm trying to beat this
So far now, I feel so ugly Although I know it was not my fault I feel dirty and ashamed Why didn't I remember sooner, I thought
I'm depressed and suicidal. With my kids keeping me alive If it weren't for those precious faces I'd have gone to take a dive
Into the oceans of hell Into the flames that I know so well From the way I've always felt Never having to have dealt
With these emotions running strong Why is this taking so long? How do I go through these stages? Why is my depression contagious?
I will now end this long poem. Cannot see from what this stems Only that I wait for night So I no longer have to fight
Get in touch with your inner child How when I have gone so wild I can't take back the things I've lost I'm just waiting for the frost
To slowly melt away Like I'm told may happen someday I don't even deserve to heal Please tell me what is the big deal
Can't I keep living my life numb. Just because I feel so dumb. Does not mean there's a problem there Only that I don't have to care
Why can't I keep up these walls That have since protected me Why must I be vulnerable? Why must I have to believe?
I know why, it's all because, my family deserves the best And if it weren't for my kids, I'd have long ago failed this test I have rewards out there to reap, the worst is over isn't it? Who knows, I'm only beginning to deal with this shit.
|