My Name is Jessica.... I myself am a survivor of sexual child abuse.....
The abuse occurred over a span of 10 years....... It finally ended when I was 17.......
I am now 25 years old and have done a lot of "soul searching" in order to heal ......

May God's grace and mercy be on all of us and with his strength and guidance
may we all find some degree of understanding, strength, and healing.....

May this writing help any and all that read it.........

As I sit back in my chair going through
The lost and unremembered pieces of my past
Looking at what I once was
What I could have become
What it seems that I am now
I sit and ponder, " Whatever happen to her?"
"Whatever became of her?"
"Why did they leave?"
"Where did they go?"
Did I really lose them?
Did they leave because they were no longer needed?
Or worse yet! Did I forget that she is a part of me?

Now that I have come to and
Actually stopped at the crossroads
In my life
I look back at the roads
I've traveled
Forward to the roads still ahead
I can see the wisdoms gained
In addition to the truths forgotten
I can see where phantom fairy tales
As well as burdened reality have collided
I can see where lies have replaced
Truth within every performance

For through my life experiences
I have run hard and fast
Tryin' not to see nor feel the wrong
At times I out ran the pain, moreover
Just as many times
I haven't run fast enough

I have tried my hardest not to live in the past
For I know well that if you live in the past
You will have no room to grow in the future
There have been times that I have slowed
Just long enough to take a glimpse
Of what lay in the wake of my speedin'
And what I had done
So as to hopefully not repeat the history
That lay behind me

As I look back
I see the rubble of the past standing
In front of me like ancient ruins long forgotten
And mysteriously taboo
Holding great wisdom and secrecy
Great pain as well as sorrow
As I look forward to the roads before me
I try and see the great adventures
The joys that possibly lay ahead awaiting to be
Found and craving to be brought to life

I see with each passin' day
It is harder and harder to see
See the bright shimmerin' colors,
See the joys of happiness
See the thrills of livin'
See the adventures that bring great
Feelings competency and conquest

For I fear that my sight
Has been dimmed
My emotions crippled
My understandin' both enhanced
And undermined
My being hallowed
My disgrace has become my pain
And my pain my disgrace

I have tried to be true to myself
But instead
I have denied myself
I have tried to accept the existence
Of those ancient ruins that stand
In what now seems to be in the
Distance behind me and at the same deny
That they are there as well as why they endure

As I continue to look back at the paths of prior
I feel distant feelings that seem all too familiar
As these feelings start to overcome me
I start to notice in the far distance
A group of disordered and muddled
Beings beginning to appear from the ruins
As well as the wreckage along the way

Their clothes are tainted and torn
Their bodies and faces bruised and scared
From battles that they had fought in times past
They all looked gruesomely disfigured
From their individually unique trails and torments

As they were approaching
I felt as though I could feel the emotions of this assembly
Many of them are just lookin' for a place
Of refuge and rest
Some among this tattered gathering of
Beings were just longing to Rest In Peace
Others were angrily wantin' to continue
But they were weak and wounded

Even though this cluster of warriors
Seemed to be almost unrecognizable
With every pain-racked step they
Took in my direction My heart
Went out to them and my grief on
Their behalf heightened

For I entered upon the perception that
Many of them look too familiar
For me to turn away from
Whether I truly knew them or not
Made no difference

With the nearing arrival of this band
Of what resembled to be long forgotten warriors
My mind's eye tries to place the vague
Knowledge in which I feel that I hold
Of who they are and why they are so familiar

The more I try and remember whom this
Alliance of kinsmen sacrificed and missed Are
The more I feel that I have done
A great injustice
For I fearfully feel that all
Their lacerations and disfigurements have
Been on my behalf
In the defense of me
And that I selfishly left them behind

As I search through times
And events gone by I start to recall who they are
Some of them I have admired
Some I have despised but they
Were necessary
. And then there are some that
I have missed so very much

With this recognition of the facts
Questions start racing through my mind
Like a gale of strong hurricane winds
Will they burden me with the complex taboos
Of the past as their revenge upon me?
In place of the injustices suffered
For leaving their pains unattended to
If I accept them will they make me
Stronger or weaker?
Is this all that is left of what once seemed
To be an enormously chivalrous clan of beings?
How could I have been so selfish as to forget?
Forget those who sacrificed their beings for
My protection and my life and not show them
The gratitude and the care that they so richly
Deserve

To learn from their trails
To renew their bodies
To let them rest
To renew their sense of purpose
To bring sanity back from those
Who have lost it

Ok, it is time
The extended family is here .....
It is time for me to set forth
On the mending of ME.

I may be at this needed crossroad for a while.....

*Note: this mind doodle of mine is not finished nor
Do I think that ever will be
for life is ever changing. 3-25-2000 JJR