Chloe's Story

Hiya Susan, im 16 and live in england. I came across your site by chance and am so happy i did. i didnt realise that so many people have been through the same kind of things that i have. I thought it was a rare. I was abused from age 6-12 by my babysitter joanna and 3 of her male friends. (Sorry to say all this you can ignore the rest of what im about to say i just want to tell someone, to be heard, to make this seem real and to face upto it.) The first time it happened was when my mum and dad had a big fight, my dad is a alcoholic and came home one night really drunk, he started hitting my mum and got out a knife and said to her that if she didnt leave the house in the next 20 seconds he would kill her. She called the police and i was sent to jo, my babysitters house. Jo had a big house and the whole top floor was hers, like her own apartment, she lead me to her room and gave me some night clothes to put on. She got out some massage oils and said she had dry skin and that she had to out on the oils every night and could i do her back for her, it seemed innocent so i did then she said lets have a girly night and that she would put oils on me and after we could do eachother nails. She sat behind me and started rubbin the oils in my back then she put her hand down my pants and started touching me, i let her because i thought it was normal, i didnt know anything was wrong. But then It felt weird and i felt disgusted i asked her if she could stop but she said all girls do it and made me feel stupid for saying no. She put her fingers inside me and it really hurt i grabbed her hand and said it hurt and she said it hurts at first but after a little while the pain goes and that i would like it, she looked at me as if she was upset and asked me what was wrong, she said she thought i liked her, she though i was her friend and i felt bad for upsetting her so i said ok. throughout that night she got really violent and really hurt me, she held me down and wouldnt let me go. As i walked home the next day the pain was unbareable. After that she done things to me (massage time as she called it) a few times a week when she babysat me. Then one day she said her boyfriend (trent) wanted to watch and join in, he raped me. Then 2 of her boyfriends friends joined in. Her boyfriends friend mark used to really hurt me, he used 2 hit me and strangle me while he raped me. His friend, John used to treat me like i was his girlfriend and buy me things and hug me after he raped me and tell me he loved me and that he was just showing how much he cared and his other friend danial used to rape me analy and play "acting games" i would be his slave amoungst other things. Sometimes trent, mark and danial raped me one after the other. They made me do things to them and to myself that i can never forget they float around in my head all day. All this went on for along time untill they moved, and their parents divorced and they had to move away and things.because of it I cant seem to connect with people, i mean i dont know how to talk to people, to start a conversation. At work they all think im weird because i dont talk. I left school because i was bullied, they all thought i was a freak because i didnt talk to anyone and i never went near anyone, physical contact scares me. Ive got no qualifications and no future really. Im not feeling sorry for myself just facing up to reality. I cant sleep because i have nightmares and all of the day i think about the abuse, re-live it. Im just stuck. Well this is the first time i have ever told anyone sorry its really long and in a bit of detail im sure you didnt really want to hear all of that if you have read this far. I dont know what this email is for really, i guess im just being a bit selfish and unloading my problems. Anyway i'll shut up now.
chloe