Cathe's Story

Hi Susan, I found your site while looking for some poems on childhood sexual abuse. I found your site to be so supportive and comforting. I am 51 years old and a victim/survivor of childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I am also a rape survivor. My older sister and I were both sexually abused by our step-father although we never knew it was happening to each other until 20 years ago. My sister remembers back to when she was 5 and I was 2 and that was the beginning of the hell for me for the next 11 years. I hid inside myself until I was an adult when it all came pouring out. I went on to be raped at age 20 by a guy I had known from high school and since I knew him I didn't know it was rape. Back then you did not talk about it and so I carried the shame and pain inside until my daughter was old enough to understand. She was my rock, my angel who brought me through the nightmare. She has gone on to work with abused kids and rape victims. I was also a cutter and never ever realized there was a name for it and what had caused me to act this way.
My life has been a long painful road that still affects me to certain degrees today. At age 42 I was blessed with a son who is my gift and I know in my heart he was meant to be to complete that circle in my life. To raise him to be a kind, caring and loving man is my responsibility as a mother and more so because of the abuse I endured. I still have nightmares at times, as well as flashes. Tastes, smells, colors can take me back to the terror in a heartbeat. I know my peace will come when I leave this earth and I long for that peace when my time comes, for then and only then will I finally be held in loving arms, the arms of my Lord. I would love to talk with others who have walked in my shoes, it is hard when people just don't understand why you are the way you are. God's Blessings!!!!
Cathe