Audrey's Story

Thank you for this website that victims can come to. I want to let everyone know that they are not alone and I support every effort they take to help themselves. I also want them to know that I believe in them. I believe in their strength to seek help. I urge you to seek help or this will continue to haunt you worse throughout the years. You are not a victim, you are a survivor. Your perpetrator wants you to believe that you are a victim but if you get help you may no longer consider yourself a victim, but a survivor and a beautiful one at that. Congratulate yourself for survivng!!!!!! :) My story is as follows… When I was about 5 was the first time that I was molested. I was at my babysitter's house, who also happened to be my mom's best friend at the time. Steven, who was quite a bit older but a child himself, took me around to the side of the house and was touching me. He told me that he would punch me in the stomach if I told anyone. The next time it happened was again at the babysitter's house when she and my mom went out for the evening, leaving Steven, my brother, and I with some young, teenage girls who were babysitting us. I can remember the three of us were in Steven's room and I was on the bed as Steven and my brother were on the floor. I believe that my brother was sleeping as Steven stuck his penis in my mouth. I can remember that I thought that he had peed in my mouth, but really I do not know if he was old enough to ejaculate or if he did, in fact, pee in my mouth. I do not remember whether or not there was ever any intercourse between him and I as I was too young. I never told. My mother and father then got a divorce shortly after. My mom was seeing this man after my parent's separation and we were over at her best friends house. The man took me up on his lap and I think he began to talk dirty to me. All I can remember is him shoving his tongue in my mouth because he wanted me to see how " big people kiss". I really did not want to know that at that age. Then about a year later, my mother met a man who actually became my step-father. He had two children and they would come over to our house for the weekend. Timmy, ( who is my step-brother), is the next person who hurt me. I cannot remember what all happened, but I know he inappropriately touched me and I think he may have tried anal sex with me. I believe Timmy told his cousin Brent and so one day when I was at Brent's house, Brent touched me too. It went on for awhile until I confided in my brother. He immediately told my mother and she told my step dad who just scolded his son. Soon after my experiences, I began to pull my eyelashes out and dig my nails deep into my scalp until it bled. I inflicted pain upon myself. Years after, when I was ten, I moved into my father's house. My mother never really did anything about the abuse and when I told her about Steven, it was as if she had already known. When I would go to visit my mother, it was not pleasant. Timmy and his sister no longer had visitation with their father, but my stepfather came to me once and said that his son was just experimenting and there was nothing wrong with it. My mother just sat there and allowed him to say it to me, like she agreed or did not care. Another time, when I was visiting my mom, my real brother touched me, but I told him not to and he has since apologized profusely. I am not saying that what he did was right but he was the only one there for me growing up, when we lived with my mom, so I forgive him. These experiences have affected me all my life and caused me to sleep around and do a lot of drugs in high school. I have never felt worth anything and do not see myself as beautiful. I tried, but failed, to kill myself last spring and ended up spending a night in the psychiatric ward. I was on meds, but took myself off because I want to be able to heal on my own without them. I have enrolled myself into therapy now and my counselor is an angel. I truly believe that she was sent from heaven to be with me. It is and has been hard coming to terms with all of these things, but I know it will be so worth it the day I can wake up and feel worth something and actually WANT to get out of bed. I just found out a year ago that my stepfather molested his own daughter which could be why he stuck up for his own son. The hardest thing is my mother knew that before she married him and I can not forgive her for putting me in that situation. I cannot remember if he ever hurt me but I think it may have happened. I could never be with someone I knew molested their own daughter or put my children in that situation EVER!!!! That is what truly is so hard to get over and I find myself reverting back to my past lately. Just the other day, I started crying and my boyfriend was holding me and rocking me. I began to say things like, " help me mommy, help me!!! ". He played along like he really was my mom and said soothing things to me and I know he thought it was kind of weird, but he was willing to do it because he knows what I need and that is the love of my mother.