Anonymous

I was rape and still am every time i think or talk about it...it is the downstair neibhor that did it to me...I am 11...his wife is gone to the hospital to have her second baby... he as a son age six also gone for the week. We are poor, my father work no time to give us attention, also my mom work she dont have any time for us ether...i have a brother who is 3 yars older he also abuse me mentaly , physicaly,emotionnely. but not sexually thank god...
I am very vulnerable, that men knows it, at home i am always by myself, this man knows it , at home there is no much love, this man knows it, my brother is bad whit me this man knows it. One day a summer morning , very early , like i always do i go to talk and play whit his son , he is sitting outside half dress drinking a beer , he tells me no one his home,talk to me like i was a grounup, he has a game, a pegboard game, he ask me to come in and play, innocent i go inside so glad that some one is carring about me, then as i was playing he started by putting his hand on my knee and leg higher and higher , i said in my mind ...naaaa it is not happening , i will ignore him and he will stop , but to late he drag me in to his bed room , undress me, lay me on his bed and did raped me....i was and still am cold as ice...wanted to scream but i could not...looking for some one or something nothing nothing... i choose to
live my body , now i am on the sealling looking at the situation, yelling to him ...stop stop... nothing so i closed my eyes ...when i came back in my body, he was dressing me back...wanted me to touch him, never did, I totaly refused...he said it was ok i did not have too...told me not to tell my mom cause she would die,,, if i told her she die crying...i loved my mother so much , i would not want to kill her by my fault.
When i got out of his house, the world was change, the sun was sad ,the colors of the grass and tree and flower's was looking dirty...i ran ...alone i was ...no one to tell...what did i do... i said to my self...shivering ,crying, thorn, hurt, my heart and soul, feeling so myserable... what am i going to do...after a while i came back to my senses ...said to my self ...ok nothing never happend... My brother keept on abusing in other way's ...all of this was destructive to me so, i eat ,and heated ...now i am 58 and over weight... always alone inside, scared ashamed ,lonely, affraide that my mom who is still alived would find out and die...this story is much longer then that but this is enought for tonite...please excuse my english cause i am french....sorry...i thank GOD that my daugther is beautyfull and have never been rape...i wish i could love myself. Name withheld by request