Anonymous
My name is Lisa. I despritaly want to be a survivor
of childhood sexual abuse, I just don't yet feel like one. I am 34
years old and married to a wonderful and patient man who is trying
with all his heart to understand my emotions. I have two beautiful
children 5 and 7. I have a great life right now...on the outside.
I should be so happy, and I am...on the outside. On the inside I feel
truely lost, scared...no terrified. My sexual abuse started when I
was 4 or 5. I was abused by my Fathers brothers (my uncles...although
I never refer to them as that). My Grandparents had a camp at the
lake. In the summers myself and my cousin's, all 10 girls would spend
a couple of weeks there together. In the evenings my Father's brothers
would lure us into the bunk houses one by one or sometimes a few of
us at a time. My biggest memory is of my disgustingly ugly uncle over
me, as my other uncle held me from behind, petting my head and COMFORTING
me...if you can beleive that...no, it wasn't much comfort at all.
After we were always told that if we told anyone what we did we would
get into serious trouble and everyone would hate us. Well, we certainly
beleived this and kept our mouths shut. How painful it is now to think
of how stupid they thaught I was to make me beleive that I did something
wrong and not them! I have beleived this my whole life thanks to this.
I still feel that guilt, that I did something wrong. This continued
until I was about 10 years old. I also am having memories of it happening
on my Grandparents farm. I was also abused by a male cousin, who I
have found out was also being abused by the same uncles. (not that
that is an excuse)
This left all of us girls to hate eachother...I don't know why. Maybe
it was the easiest way to wash away the memory and keep them out of
our minds and lives forever. There is one cousin I have...we call
eachother sisters. I remember the summers at the camp when her and
I would isolate ourselves from everyone and have the best times just
pretending things were normal...OK. We would get on a huge innertube
and float out into the lake as far as we could watching the air as
far as we could above us. Her and I will always share a special bond...one
that can't be broken, no matter what.
I was going to take this terrible life to my grave. I couldn't bring
myself to start such a horrible family fued. I couldn't bring myself
to cause my Father so much pain. I was already convinced my Grandfather
knew what was happening. Around 10-11 years old, I stopped going to
my Grandparents camp for the summers, I was getting a little to old
and My parents wanted me to stay home with my friends. When I was
pregnant with my second child at the age of 28, I received a phone
call from my "sister" telling me that one of my uncles was
in police custody and had confessed to 20 years of child sexual abuse.
He was caught. I don't know if I was releived or not because, the
next words out of her mouth was "they have your name, too, he
told them everything" I was soon contacted by a witness protection
person and was asked to come give a statement. I couldn't beleive
that after so many years of keeping this SKELETON in my closet, now
I was being FORCED to tell everything...to someone I had never met.
I never even had told my husband. Thinking that I had no other options...I
went. I couldn't beleive what he had told them. Every detail he remembered.
This was the hardest thing I had to do. As it turned out the statue
of limitations was too long and they couldn't use me in court. That
is sad...there is no statue of limitations for emotions and feelings.
He only got 1 1/2 years in prision and is now out walking around in
my same town. I again feel more guilt because I never told anyone
and maybe it is my fault that he went on abusing little girls for
the next 20 years, the most recient one being to young to testify...all
I could picture is myself and the life of emotional hell this little
girl is going to endure.
Being that I was forced to bring this out into the open and now EVERYONE
knew. I saw my father go through much pain. I felt that they all wanted
to know what happened and then it was over. Noone wanted to talk to
me about how I feel now. Noone felt bad for me because it had been
so long, not even my Mother. Everyone figures that because I have
kept this a secret for almost 20 years that it doesn't bother me.
The truth is that even when it all came out I wasn't ready. I felt
no emotion. Now I am finding 5 years later that I am ready and it
is all comming out at once. I am having memories that I never knew
were there.
I am scared but, most of all I am angry ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I
become moody, and I blow up at my husband or my children. I have fits
of uncontrolled emotions out of the blue that I can't control. At
the time I don't know why this is happening but after I realize why
because my last thaught is always of the same thing...being held down
while this beast thrust himself into me. I have a huge problem with
trust. I can't EVER beleive when someone says "I love you"
that they mean it. I am always waiting for the storm and can never
be happy. I can't be satisfied with myself physicaly or mentaly and
I have a constant need
for attention. I don't know where to start getting through this, at
times it hurts as much as it did when it was happening.
I know I need counceling. I am scared to trust someone. I am scared
they will laugh at me when I leave, share my feelings with others.
I don't know where to start. All I know is that it IS starting and
it is out of my control.
I searched the web under childhood sexual abuse, I read your opening.
I read as many stories as I could emotionally get through. I noticed
one thing, wether it was an Uncle, a Brother, A Father, stranger or
simply someone you trusted that hurt you, we all carried it through
life heavily and it could never stay inside forever. Some of them
sounded almost rejoiceful that they are over it and have had help
and actually LIKE themselves again! I am envious of this...I am desperate
to forgive myself, desperate for the anger and memories to go away.
I want to wake up and not have a thaught of it for the enire day.
When I wrote this I didn't care if anyone read it or not, as I came
to the end I realized I felt differently. If you reply please do ...Author
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