Anonymous

I came across your website several months ago when I was trying to find help with what happened to me. The first time I came to this site I cried. I felt so sad reading your story and the many other survivor stories. I didn’t realize there were so many people who had been through what I had gone through. This is my story.

When I was about 8 or 9 years old my father started molesting me. He abused me for the next 8 years. During those 8 years I was confused, hurt, angry, and ashamed of myself. I felt so dirty. I thought there was something wrong with me. My whole life I have felt isolated from the rest of my family and people around me. I remember he would come into my bed at night and do these unspeakable things to me. How could my own father do such things?! I felt I couldn’t tell anyone, because I was so scared my family would be broken up and it would be all my fault. I was scared no one would believe me. I was going through depression and I cried myself to sleep every night. During those years I hurt so much. I wanted to die. I felt I was the only one going through this pain and wished I could find just one person who understood me. I felt my whole life was a lie. On the outside I was a normal looking teenager, but inside I was living a devastating and cruel life. Everything was such a lie. Finally when I was 17 I told my teacher. The school called the police and took down a police report. I was so scared I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. I didn’t dare to look up. Up until this point, I had always known what he did to me was wrong, but it had taken me many years just to admit to myself, inside my own head that my father had abused me. A social worker was called in and they tried to get him to apologize to me, but all he could say was that, “he forgives me.” The social worker didn’t make my parents go through counseling or even try to get me into counseling! I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t understand how something tragic could happen and no one was doing anything about it. I felt heart broken and confused. I felt like I had told a huge secret and nobody cared. It was as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders, but at the same time I was exposed and naked. My family knew about it, but no one tried to help me and even comfort me. It was like they all knew, but no one would speak of it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but during this time they held my life in their hands. They had the power to nuture and heal me or turn the other way. They chose to look the other way and ignore it. It broke my heart. People say that in life you only have your family and no matter what they will always care about you. I felt so unimportant and stupid.

As years went by I tried to forget what happened to me, but I couldn’t. I started seeing how the abuse had affected me. I didn’t have any self confidence in anything I did and I felt so ugly when I looked in the mirror. I thought I was the ugliest thing that ever lived. I was so scared to do anything in life, because I was scared I’d fail and no one would be there to help me. I felt unimportant and didn’t think I deserved anything good in life. A few months ago I started therapy. It was best thing I could’ve done for myself. It was a huge step towards healing. I know I have a really long way to go, but I know one day I’ll make it. I still have low self confidence and a poor self image, but very slowly I’m healing. I realize now there are so many people that are abused and I know they feel the same way I do. “I’m not alone!” That is what I had been waiting my whole life to hear!

Before, when I would see fathers and daughters that had a good relationship I’d feel uncomfortable, because I knew what my father had done. Now when I see fathers and daughters, I feel so hurt. I was once a little innocent girl and my father took advantage of that and stole my innocence! It’s something I will never ever get back, but I realize now how precious children are. They’re so small and innocent, and have their whole lives ahead of them. They fill this world with wonder and curiosity. They make this world a better place. They really do.

Thank you so much Susan for having this website up. It was one of things the things that really made me realize there are other survivors out there and that there really is hope in this world. To anyone that is reading this that is being abused right now, please don’t give up!!! Your life is precious and there is hope and love out there. Don’t believe what they tell you! We as survivors took so much onto our shoulders and carried so much pain and hurt. Don’t hide your face or be scared. As survivors of sexual abuse we are strong to have taken so much hurt and still be alive! Please don’t ever give up….Hopeful & Healing