Anonymous

My sexual abuse began around age three and continued until about age seven . It was my cousin who was three years older and three times the size of me. He also physically abused me, one of his favorite tortures was the indian sunburn as he called it, twisting my skin on my arm as hard as he could in two different directions.I can remember sitting there and not flinching or crying out (only in my mind) He was so cruel and evil, he knew sexual things and terms that nobody his age should have known. Someone must have been molesting him as well. I can still remember the paralyzing fear that I would feel when my mother would say that we were going to his house. We would go there alot for holidays and birthdays.I can remember walking across the porch and how long it seemed.I wanted to turn and run but could't. I remember sitting through happy birthday and cake and ice cream knowing all to well what I was in for next. He would always say " Heidi come upstairs and play with me." Sometimes I would tell my mother that I didn't want to and she would say" oh Heidi go play with your cousin" . He would then do even worse things to me cause I had tried refusing to go to his room.He would make me rub genitals together with him and as he got older made me put his penis in his mouth,and would throw me on the bed and penetrate me. When I was ten my stepfather would look at ponography with me and would lay on top of me on the bed tickeling me and I could feel the erection.I can also remember masturbating him through his sweatpants,maybe he thought it wasn't abuse if we didn't touch skin. I felt ashamed and like it was my fault for a long time but he was 40 and I was 10. I became very self destructive as a teenager abusing alcohol and smoking and being violent.I used to think that all this happened a long time ago so it couldn'teffect my life today but it does. I have always thought of sex as dirty, have a difficult time finding pleasure in sex,have ocd , depression , severe anxiety and dissociation.I also have a chronic pelvic floor contraction that I believe could have something to do with all of this.I also have problems leaving my children with other people cause I don't trust them. I want others to know that they are not alone in this and I think getting it out and talking about it helps.Holding it in isn't healing. Email