Anonymous

I was a very troubled child, I never really knew why. I just knew I was angry. I hated everyone and everything... especially myself. My Mom had a friend who used to be around all the time, I always remember hating him, but not knowing exactly why. My Mom and him got into a big fight when I was about 9, and he didn't come around any more. About two years later, they reconciled, and he came over. When he hugged, me, I knew instantly what happened. I felt sick to my stomach. I went in the bathroom, threw up, and cried for the longest time. I was overcome with visions of him molesting me. Since that day, the nightmares, visions and feelings have been constant. I remember so much now. A lot of things clearly, as if it was yesterday, but so many things I don't know where I was, or when it was, I can just see us. I never told anyone. I thought I just had one hell of an imagination, and made it all up. I think that's what I wanted to think. I know now it really happened. I! remember him making me touch myself while he watched. I remember him putting his penis in my mouth, telling me "It's just like a lolly pop, suck it just like a lolly pop" It tasted worse than any lolly pop I'd ever had, but I still did it. I remember him putting his penis between my legs, and moving his hips in and out, like we were having sex, but he didn't put it in. (Thank God!!) He did put his fingers inside of me, it hurt so bad, one time I was so scared I peed on him while he was doing that. I got quite a spanking for it, then his way of "apologizing" for hitting me. His apology for the physical abuse, was gentle sexual abuse. I remember SO much! I wish I wouldn't. I remember him telling me that I must never tell my Mom, because she would be so jealous. "Your Mom wants me to do this to her, but your the special one, I only do this because I love you. Your Mom would be so mad at you if she knew" He would say things like that to me. My parents were divorced,! but I still loved my Dad. My Mom's friend would tell me that my Dad doesn't love me, and that he's going to be my Dad now. I was so afraid of that happening! It never did though. There was never more than a friendship between my Mom and him, but that's not the way he saw things. Anyway... I finally met an amazing man who asked about my depression. He was the first person I ever told of the abuse. He convinced me to tell my Mom. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, but I'm glad I did. The amazing man (Ricardo) is now my fiance. He is very supportive of me, and is trying to get me in counseling. I think websites like this are great, it's hard, but feels good to read other peoples stories. Some make me feel like I didn't have it bad at all. I'm very lucky he never actually put his penis inside of me. It would have hurt so bad! When I was 12 my uncle tried to rape me. I barely got away, but I did, I'm proud of myself for it. I'm trying really hard to have a normal li! fe now, Ricardo convinced me that I can do anything I want. I decided to go to get my high school diploma (I dropped out of school in sixth grade) I'm planning to start college in the fall, I now realize that I'm a beautiful, intelligent young woman, I've decided that I'm not going to be a victim anymore, I'm going to be extremely successful, I know I'm worth it... and if your a survivor of abuse, keep in mind, that YOU are worth it too! I'm only 18 , but at any age, you can go to college, and do what ever you want! Hang in there everybody. If anyone wants to talk, please email me, I'd love to talk with you. My address is: fluffyroach@hotmail.com Thanks for listening..