Anna's Story

Is this sexual abuse?

ok, a part of me knows it is but I need someone to say yes. you know that feeling, you need someone to validate your thoughts, that it wasn't your fault.


If I was masturbating from lets say age 4-5 and my brother would watch me/touch me.. he is 6 years older then me.
so I was 5 and he was 11.
But lets say that I would do it in front of him. But the older he got the more he would watch me.
But I was the one that said for him not to tell anyone, I was the one that made it into a secret. and I was the one that did it in front of him, so anyhow this went on until I was like 11-12.. then my brother became bipolar and went all nuts for a few weeks until the meds stabilized him. anyhow so by this time I did not think anything bad happened to me, then we had Sex ed at school and this notion of sexual abuse came up and all these weird feelings came into my head and I just felt pretty dam dirty. So then he stopped taking his meds for a while and I was like 13 at the time.. and I really wanted to be friends with him because he hung out with the cool people and I wanted to know about them.. so either way I ended up jerking him off and blowing him couple of times that whole summer when I was 13. Then he relapsed and went nuts again and he doesn't remember anything really, or at least that's what I know. I really don't know about his feeling and his whole bipolar situation because I don't really care and because my family views me as a cold heartless bitch because I am always selfish and don't help him with his fears and I don't try to be his sister and blah and other shit like that.
Anyhow, I am 20 now... I haven't tried to kill myself in a long time.
I have met creepy old men online that I fell in love with that completely broke my heart, I guess right when I got my heart broken that's when everything crashed down on me, because no one was going to come save me anymore. NO more night in F*cking shinning armor.
Well so I now work 9--5. go to school and have a long distance boyfriend, whom by the way is such a dam looser, I don't even like him, thank god he is far away... even though he can be genuinely the sweetest person sometimes
I lie 24//7 about my life, and relationships because the fact that I am fat, ugly, unsuccessful is not something I want to explore or fix.
I have problems with eating. used to have problems with drugs. but now I stopped doing drugs.
I am basically a workaholic.. I have held some job or other since the age of 14.. because my originally goal for everything was to leave this god forsaken house. I hate it here. there are days when I just can not stand to see my brother, when I seriously want to bash his head into the cement... but then this guilt will wash over me, how can I be so selfish? he is bipolar? this is a great tragedy on our family (my mothers words)? I am my mothers only hope now (also her words)?

so what can I do? I have told everyone to go and if. themselves. I am a complete bitch at home. My mom and brother make no money and I make money and bring none of it home. I refuse to help them in anyone, and I don't feel that I should. Everyone thinks that I am cold heartless bitch, and sometimes I feel that I would rather be that, than to give anyone the god dam satisfaction, especially the satisfaction of letting my brother get away with it. If he doesn't remember its his fault, not mine.
I was there, and I know what I felt and still feel.