Ann's Story

Hello Susan,
I stumbled accross your page while looking forsome answers to childhood sexual abuse. I am an incest survivor. I am looking for someone to correspond with since I myself am starting to deal with my issues at hand. I have started to go to counseling but I haven't had the courage to talk about my past yet. Well this is hard since I cant even talk to my counselor yet. And my fiancee says he cant hear or deal with my pain so I need someone to talk to. I am 23 years old. I was abused by my father for 9 long years of my life. The earlist I can remeber being abused is 3 but that doesnt mean it didn't happen earlier. It hurts to keep this secret burried for so many years. As I read the courage to heal among other books it tells me to tell my story to feel better so well here it goes. I can remember being so young my dad walking to my room after mom left for work and my younger brother was sleeping. He would say this is a special game for daddy's and their girls and not to tell anyone.

I can't remeber all details yet as I repressed alot of them. what I can tell you is that during all the abuse I was forced to watch adult porno movies. He would try to do the stuff they were doing. It hurt so much when he forced himself on my small not yet developed body. How can a grown man do that to me. He even got me pregnat later in those years and to hide it he took me out of our town and made me lie to some doctor which we used a fake name that he made me again rehurse. I had a painful abortion which still makes me hurt I dont understand why? I guess thats one reason I am afraid to have sex and get pregant again. I had no childhood. I had no friends as I was not allowed to. Well when I turned 16 I ran away and started to look for help but when i did no one believed my when I ws trying to seek help so I stopped trying and just pushed the pain down. Well I now live on my own with my boyfriend of 5 yrs. i am looking for friends who can help listen give suggestions. As!
I feel comfortable I may send you more or any friends that you may help me to meet. Please feel free to send this to anyone who wants a penpal as I do want someone who understands and listens. ann.