Angie's Story

Hi my name is Angie,

I am 40 years old, My sexual abuse started when I was 5yrs to 10 when my family moved. I was abused by the sitter, a cousin, and a friend of my fathers. My younger sister and my older brother knew and we kept this secreat for 30 years. I have a Brain Tumor and Cancer, so I have a lot of health issues. I signed my self into a Mental Hospital because I was slicing my skin to stop the pain. It did not stop the pain it just put my focus on another area. I was suffering from sevear Depression. Through all of this I still never told I was abused. During all of this my father called my sister and told her he did not know why I was depressed, I needed to stop taking my medication and I would be alright. He even said I was addicted to Pain Medication. My sister was so upset that she told my father he did not know what he was talking about. She told him I had been through Hell trying to deal with my illness and on top of all that she was sexual abused when she was a kid. In response my father told her that happened 30 years ago and that should not effect me. It happened in the past. A part of me feels that they had to know what was happening to me. I would begg my parents not to go out and leave me with these men, but they liked to party. I felt like I was payment for sitters fees. When I finaly said no they said they would do it to my sister. I could not let that happen, I had to protect her, so it went on. I have 4 adopted children. Recently my oldest son has been masterbating in public. He is 13 years old. I get angry, but I tell him he is not to do that in public areas. I have had him in therapy for years and they think he was abused when he was younger, but he won't tell us or maybe he does not remember. He was from an abusive home when I adopted him. I have tried to get him extra help. I have called CPS on him trying to get him help because I knew one thing leads to another and the signs were there. He would runaway all the time. No he is accused of sexual abuse and I can't look at him or talk to him. It's like the past has come back on me full force. I maybe blaming him for my past. What he has done is unforgiveable to me. He blames the girl and it's not her fault. He is responsible. My husband is great. He has just found out about my past and he was angry not at me, but at the abusers. He has to deal with my son. I told his attorney he needs to be in jail. I can't feel sorry for him. How can I be a good mother without forgiveness. I could really use a penpale.